


I told you before, I was an Epitaph.

by 2Odinsons (NatureBoy)



Category: Loki - Fandom, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Anal Sex, BDSM, Biker!Thor, Bondage, Child Abuse, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Fluff, Gore, Hooker!Loki, M/M, Miscarriage, Modern AU, Mpreg, Pregnancy, Psychosis, Rape, Revenge, Rimming, Thorki - Freeform, Violence, non-con, pregnant!Loki
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-11
Updated: 2016-01-08
Packaged: 2017-12-19 04:54:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 20
Words: 78,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/879691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NatureBoy/pseuds/2Odinsons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thor and Loki met by chance.  Fate brought them together - but it threatens to tear them apart at every turn.  Love, loss and revenge fuel a Saga of the modern age.  Loki is haunted by drug addiction and his former life as a prostitute...amongst other things.  Thor fights for the love of his life, heart body and soul.  And there's NOTHING he wouldn't do for Loki.  This is packed with sex and violence  - you have been warned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> The start of a long and bumpy road. Plenty of smut. Enjoy.

**Chapter One**

 

 

It had been raining when they met. The sort of soft, insistent drizzle that soaks you through in a matter of seconds. The roads were slick after the heat of the day and the air had felt thick and heavy. Thor had been in a foul mood, finding his normal route home closed off and already feeling the rain seeping into his leathers. He almost hadn't noticed the skinny, bedraggled figure on the hard shoulder, throwing long arms up in frustration at a clapped out looking mustang.

  
Three months later, he was still thanking the gods he had. It had started as nothing, really. Thor knew he was being played almost as soon as he'd pulled over, but he'd take that aver never seeing him again. Looking over at his sleeping form, dark wisps of hair trailing over the pillow, Thor can't help smiling to himself. He looks so peaceful like this. It's the first time he's stayed the whole night - Thor usually wakes to find him long gone and it always stings him to find he's taken his fee, too. He knows he wants more, has known it since that first encounter. Maybe this time, maybe he'll stay...

'Staring is creepy, Thor, stop it,' Loki mutters into his pillow, eyes still closed.

'Sorry,' he chuckles in response. Loki props himself up on his elbows and drags a hand over his face.

'Shit - what time is it? I told you not to let me sleep, you idiot!' he snaps as he swings his legs out of bed and starts grabbing his things, 'Never mind - just help me get my shit together and give me a ride back, yeah?' He's already a whirlwind of movement, dressing and fixing smudges of eyeliner before Thor can even get his jeans on. Maybe next time, he thinks.

  

It's still early and the ride back across town passes quickly; too quickly for Thor. He nips through the sparse morning LA traffic with ease, weaving his bike between lanes with practised ease, warm wind whipping at his face, Lokis arms holding tight around his waist. All too soon, he's pulling up at Loki's apartment block on the lower east side. He flicks down the kickstand and kills the engine, sighing when he feels Loki release his hold and dismount.

'You really have to go?' he always asks. He knows the answer.

Loki looks a little sad this time as he hands back his helmet and straightens out his hair.

'I wish I didn't.' Thor raises his eyebrows, surprised at that – even more so when Loki pulls him into a parting kiss. 'but I have to.' Loki turns and is away, striding across the street before pausing at the door and looking back to Thor.

'Maybe you should come here tonight...at least I wouldn't be late back then...' he calls across to Thor, clearly trying a little too hard to sound casual. Thor's face splits into a broad smile,

'It's a date, I'll see you later.' Thor calls back. Loki nods in response and slips inside. Thor can't stop smiling the entire ride home.

 

The rest of the day seems to crawl past – every time Thor looks at the clock, only a couple of minutes have passed in what feels like an age. He tries to throw himself into the latest project – a custom roadster with what he personally thinks is way too much chrome - but his focus is completely shot. It must be showing too, even Hogun is looking at him funny. It's only a small workshop and there's no way of avoiding the others. He's just thankful that Fandral is out front on the shop floor dealing with customers – he'd be interrogating Thor otherwise. He looks over the fuel tank he's been working on, turning it in his hands, checking for the tiniest flaw.

Nope...perfect...good. Except...

'Volstagg...this tank IS for the chrome monstrosity, yeah?' Thor shouts across the workshop. Volstagg looks up from welding and raises his goggles before booming back,

'Only if by 'chrome monstrosity' you mean 'the 125cc with no chrome on it whatsoever'. '

Thor sits down heavily and lets his forehead meet the worktop with a thud.

'Bollocks'....

  
The rotund older man pulls off his gloves and chuckles as he comes over, slapping a meaty hand on Thor's back.

'Oh, you've really got it bad, haven't you?' Volstagg rumbles, beaming.

Thor shrugs, or tries to, his head still on the worktop.

Volstagg pats him affectionately 'Happens to the best of us, don't be too hard on yourself. Ah! Lunchtime!' Volstagg gives Thor a final slap that almost knocks the breath out of him and heads out in search of food.

 

  
The rest of Thor's day isn't much better.

He nicks or hits his fingers every time he works on a piece of shaping and manages to survive the afternoon only by grace of Hogun bringing him the occasional coffee and silent nod. Finally, it's time to shut everything up for the night and Thor steps out thankfully into the early evening air, breathing deeply. The city is just starting to buzz with life again as people prepare for their evenings excitement. There's still some time to kill before he can meet Loki, so he spends it picking up some vodka, beer and snacks before heading home to shower and change.

 

Loki sounds stressed when Thor calls up on the buildings' entry phone. His voice hisses and crackles through the metal speaker.

'Shit shit shit is it that time already?! Okay give me a minute PUT THAT DOWN! Sorry hang on...'

Thor waits patiently, puzzled by the ruckus he could hear in the background. Loki never really spoke about himself, always changing the subject or...distracting him.

After a few minutes, the door buzzes and clicks open and Thor bolts in and up the stairs, taking them two at a time, to the second floor. Loki is leaning in the open doorway, taking long drags on a cigarette. He half smiles, seeing Thor all primped and scrubbed up like that – sweet idiot, he thinks.

'Oh thank fuck, you brought vodka!' Loki sighs and flings his arms around Thor's neck, pulling him into a smoky kiss. 'Hmmm that's better. Come on in then!' He takes Thor's hand and tugs him into the apartment, smiling to himself.

'Rough day?' Thor inquires, taking in his surroundings.

Its nothing fancy, but it's bigger than he'd expected – decent sized lounge and ...two bedrooms?

'Oh just the usual, you know' Loki, as usual does not want to talk it seems, as he shoves Thor back onto the couch and climbs onto his lap, kissing him hard. 'mmm just what I needed...'

He runs his slender fingers into Thor's hair and tilts his head back, thrusting his tongue deep into his hot, willing mouth. Thor shudders and pulls Lokis' hips closer, already feeling the familiar heat pooling in his groin, his heart hammering against his ribs. Loki shifts and grinds against him and a moan escapes his lips, the friction making him harder by the second. He bites and licks at the crook of Lokis' pale neck, hands working their way up under his tight, deep-green shirt, raking fingers down his back, making Loki writhe again and bite at his lip.

'Mmmnh...Thor....'

Long lithe fingers dance across Thor's chest and down to tug at his belt as Loki kisses and nips, watching him with half-lidded eyes and a wicked smile.

'Miss me, did you?!' his viridian eyes sparkle with mischief as he squeezes Thor's straining cock through the thick denim.

Thor's breath hitches and he rumbles 'I always do' and pulls the smaller man into another desperate kiss, tongues entwining as they scrabble at each others' clothes, unwilling to wait any longer.

They both sigh as their flesh connects, Loki's milky skin pressed up against Thor's bronzed chest, arms and legs tangling about each other, losing themselves to the passion. Thor thinks he hears something from one of the adjoining rooms and pauses, looking over at the door. Loki's hands find his face and pull him back into a long, slow kiss, murmuring 'It's nothing...' against his lips.

Then suddenly Thor finds those sweet, hot lips gone from his, burning kisses down onto his neck and over his chest. He moans as Lokis mouth moves ever lower, his deft fingers making short work of freeing his throbbing manhood and hitching his black jeans down and out of the way.

'Mmh you did miss me,' Loki teases, bending to lick Thors full length, base to tip, the wry smile never leaving his thin delicate lips. 'Ahhhn...gods....Loki' Thor sighs, his hips jerking in response to Lokis attentions, running his thick fingers into his lovers inky locks and letting his head fall back.

Loki grins, pleased with the result and starts to lick and nibble at the hot firm flesh before him, letting his fingers and tongue trace paths around Thor's twitching erection.

Loki can feel the heat rising within him, too, growing more and more insistent as he mouths and licks. He deftly slips out of his own jeans, never breaking away from his ministrations, and fists his own hard cock with one hand.

He's already slick with pre-cum and shudders with delight as he swipes his fingers over his slit, then reaches back, still tending to Thor with his mouth, and starts to work himself open. His hands are skilled and well practised – too well practised, he thinks briefly before shoving the thought away – and it's not long before he's crawling up into Thor's lap once more, desperate to take him in.

Thor had been lost in the sensation of Lokis mouth on him, and hadn't even been aware he'd undressed until he finds the wet heat gone and the lithe man straddling him, pressing reddened lips to his own in ragged breathless kisses.

He can feel Loki's hardness pressing against his stomach and he works a hand between them, grasping firmly and stroking, swirling his thumb over the tip. Loki moans and arches his back, one hand braced on Thor's shoulder, the other reaching behind to guide himself onto his waiting cock. Thor thinks he's never seen anything so beautiful and tells Loki so. Loki gazes down at him, eyes heavy-lidded and chest heaving, sheened with sweat.

His mouth twitches into a smile, 'Shut up and fuck me.' With that, Loki lowers himself in one firm, smooth movement, moaning and clawing at Thor's chest as he takes the full length of him. Thor's head lolls back again, as he sucks in air, hips automatically rocking upwards in response, body trembling at the intense, tight heat around him. And then Loki's moving, sliding sinuously up and down, graceful and wanton all at once, and Thor falls into rhythm, matching his pace, shifting his hips to hit a little deeper, fingers trailing over Lokis' alabaster flesh.

When Thor shifts again and thrusts a little harder, Loki moans and leans back further, bracing his hands on Thors knees 'Fuck...Thor....YES!' Spurred on by that, Thor gives a low growl and starts to pick up the pace. His fingers dig into the muscle of Lokis ass and he thrusts harder, deeper; his other hand gripping and stroking Lokis swollen dick at the same pace.

Loki cries out in pleasure and his eyes close, his tongue darting out to wet his blushing lips. His pale cheeks are growing flushed and he's riding Thor in earnest now, slamming himself down with as much force as he can and then fucking into Thor's hand on the rise. It's all Thor can do to match his pace and hold on as tight as he can for fear of Loki overbalancing and toppling backwards.

He's close, very close and he can feel his cock harden and swell further inside his lover, begging for release. 'Loki...ahhn fuck...Loki...

Loki seems to feel the change.

His eyes fly open, pupils wide and blown with lust and he cries out again, body trembling 'Ahh! YES!! OH GOD YES!!! FUCK ME!!' That's enough to send Thor over the brink and he's slamming into Loki now, bucking wildly under him, spilling deep inside with a low, guttural groan. Loki suddenly jerks out of rhythm with a long keening cry, Thor can feel his muscles contract and release around him, over and over as the waves of his orgasm hit him, feels Lokis cock tense and swell in his hand as he cums, hot and sticky over his fingers.

 

As they regain their composure, gasping and kissing each other hungrily, there is a loud thud from the room across the way, followed by what sounds like a muffled argument. Thor freezes, looking at the door as it creaks open a smidgen, revealing a wary eye through the crack. The eye widens and they hear a quiet 'uh-oh' before the door is shut quickly and there's a lot of shushing and a faint ' _told you!_ ' from behind it.

Thor blinks in disbelief and speaks with a dry mouth. 'L-loki? There was a kid...' he's still watching the door, but Loki seems utterly unphased, tossing his hair back and getting up to retrieve his clothes.

'Well yes. Where else would I put them?' Loki says casually, continuing to dress.

Thor sits forward, stunned 'That boy...they're _yours?_ _You have kids?!!_ ' 

Loki folds his arms and gives Thor an irritated look 'Yes.... Problem?'


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there is more smut and a little more insight into Loki's life ^_-

That night heralds in a new routine of sorts – an unspoken agreement that they want to spend more time together. Instead of snatched moments here and there at Thor's place, they see each other every night. Loki doesn't finish his shift till 1am so often-times, Thor picks him up to take him home.

The dark streets always seem empty at first, but once you really look there are people everywhere, even that time of night. Most cling to the shadows or hover in doorways, but not Loki. He was most often to be found silhouetted beneath a street-light, slender and poised no matter how broken and exhausted he feels inside. Thor never brings up the nature of Loki’s work; partly because he knows that Loki doesn't want to talk about it; and partly because he doesn't really want to know any of the details himself. It eats at him - the thought of his lover with anyone else, but he holds onto the notion that it's him that Loki comes home to, him that he seeks out for company and comfort.

Since Thor started to stay at his small, sparse apartment, things have changed for Loki. He hates himself for it, but he likes Thor - really, truly likes him - and that scares and confuses him more than anything. He promised himself a long time ago that he would never get attached – people lie, people leave - and yet, Loki finds himself smiling whenever he thinks of his broad, blonde boyfriend.

No, no! Not boyfriend – he thinks - dammit Loki, he's a client, just another client.... No matter how many times he repeats that mantra though, the words are empty. Thor has found a way past his defences somehow and Loki is finding it more and more difficult to tell himself otherwise. Part of him likes it, wants it... needs it. He despises that need deeply. It means only one thing in the end: pain. Loki knows that all too well. He tries to bring his mind back to the here and now, the small measure of contentment he feels with Thor there with him. They have settled on the threadbare sofa for the remainder of the night, channel hopping and sharing chips and dip.

The low light of the TV flickers over their faces, casting the room in more appealing colours than the plain cream walls usually offer. There are small reminders of the kids everywhere – the Disney movies peppered through his own scant selection; that smudge of crayon over the skirting he'd never managed to entirely remove; the brightly coloured spoon wedged under the TV stand (when did that even get there? Loki thinks) - and right now, they were jumping out at Loki, blaring their existence loud and insistent. As if he could ever really forget anyway...

Loki sighs and shuffles closer, resting his head against Thor’s' chest. He can feel Thor run his fingers lightly through his hair and it's...nice. If he knew though....knew everything...he'd leave too, Loki thinks to himself. He feels a sudden surge of desperation at the thought and sits up quickly, pouring another drink to distract himself. Thor watches him as he pads through to the kitchen and adds a generous spoonful of koolaid to his vodka, stirring the powder in briskly and sipping it as he comes back through.

'Vodka and koolaid?! Really?' Thor asks, incredulous.

'It's good, shut up.' Loki retorts, a half smile on his lips.

'Here, let me try?' Thor scoots forward as if to take the glass, but instead snatches a kiss from his startled companion. 'Mmm, not bad...' he grins.

'Thor!'

'What? I said it was nice...' Thor kisses him again, deeply this time, taking his head in his hands. Loki feigns irritation at first but is soon responding with equal enthusiasm, stretching over to set his glass down on the table. How does he do that? he thinks, as he sighs into Thor's kisses.

'Thor! Wait – the kids are asleep next door!' Loki puts on his best 'Oh heavens, you scoundrel!' face, followed by a wry smile.

'The key word there being asleep.' Thor plays along, enjoying the feeling of doing something they shouldn't. (Though not really wanting to be caught out again – that had been uncomfortable in the extreme) He bends and starts to kiss and nip at Loki's neck. 'They won't wake up if you can be quiet...' he rumbles into his lovers ear. Loki shivers at the heat of his breath and allows his head to loll to the side, baring his throat to Thor's lips, teeth and tongue.

Thor tugs at his shirt, exposing his collarbone and traces its shape with his hot, eager mouth. A moan escapes Loki, and he clamps a meaty hand over his delicate lips. 'Shhh ...quiet, remember?' Thor chides. A muffled protest comes from Loki, that sounds vaguely like 'I can't'. Thor smiles, eyes twinkling in the low light and hitches up Loki’s shirt, exposing his chest. Loki closes his eyes and moans behind Thor's hand, as the blonde head dips to tease his already pert nipples. That's more like it, he thinks. Touch, physical closeness, sensation; this is familiar territory. He has the advantage here - unlike in their quiet moments - and he leaps on the opportunity to get precisely what he wants. He wrenches Thor’s hand from his mouth.

'You know where the toys are? My room, the box under the bed. Get the cuffs, gag, lube, cock ring and anything else you like the look of.' Loki's tone is demanding, his eyes brook no argument and Thor gets to his feet, and does as he's asked, traipsing through to rummage through the aforementioned box.

'And don't make too much noise!' Loki hisses after him.

'Got it okay..Jesus...um...' Thor is faced with a selection of each item requested and decides to take through a couple of each. 'Anything else?'

'Oh yeah, grab a dildo while you're at it.' Loki is already stripping as Thor grabs the first that comes to hand and brings the assortment back through. Loki eyes the purple phallus with a wicked smile

'The largest one?! So keen to hurt me?' He kneels on all fours, presenting himself for the taking and grins over his shoulder, 'I could take twice that right now!'

When Thor hesitates, somewhat unfamiliar with this side of Loki, he wiggles his ass and purrs 'Come on, what are you waiting for? You can do anything you want to me, Thor... and I can tell you want to...'

He's not wrong. Thor is hard as hell with Loki displaying himself so brazenly. He quickly rids himself of his clothes too and kneels behind his lover, dumping the toys close to hand. Loki moans again and Thor looks up to see he's already begun working himself open, watching him over his shoulder and biting his lip.

'Please...hurry up...' Loki whines.

Thor swallows and takes the cock ring first, intending to put it on himself, but Loki shakes his head 'On me, quickly! The cuffs too...' Thor nods, wasting no time in binding both his cock in front and his slim wrists behind him. 'Mm, good! Yes!

Thor licks his lips 'God you're so hard!' He slicks himself with a generous amount of lube and does the same with the dildo, beginning to tease Loki with the tip.

'Ah! And thanks to that, I'll stay that way until you let me cum!' His hips buck back against Thor's hands, eager to take more of the toy. 'Come on, before they really do wake up – it's getting late!'  
Thor strokes his arching back, working the toy deeper, starting to fuck him with it, watching his lover writhe with hungry eyes.

'Fuck Loki, I could cum just watching you like this!' Thor adds a circling motion to his movements, working Loki open further still each time he thrusts the dildo home.

His lover his quivering under his hands, moaning lustfully, louder and louder – Thor grabs a gag.  
Loki’s head whips round – his breathing is ragged and his cheeks flushed – 'Not that one, the one with the bridle,' he moans again, shuddering 'do what you want to me, you know I like it rough! And don't forget to spank me if I misbehave!' He smiles slyly and opens his mouth for the gag.

Thor slides the cold metal bit between Loki’s teeth and tightens the leather straps.

'Having to use it so soon, too..' he tuts, playfully, giving Loki a hard slap on the ass before starting to work with the dildo again. The slap has Loki moaning again, rocking his hips back and shaking with anticipation. He turns his head again, eyeing Thor, lingering on his massive dick, pleading for more – his eyes seem to challenge; twice – I could take twice that right now.

  
'More? Oh I'll give you more, alright,' Thor growls as he effortlessly lifts and flips Loki onto his back, raising his hips off the sofa and thrusting the toy deeper, harder and faster. His cock looks painfully hard, deep red and throbbing, already desperate for release. Loki groans low and long, arching his back, sucking air past the bit in his slavering mouth. His eyes find Thor's once more – they are wide and wild with passion. He nods emphatically to Thor's stiff member, begging to be taken by him. Thor starts to withdraw the dildo, but suddenly Loki is shaking his head,

'Mmm! Mmph!' his words are lost behind the gag but his meaning is clear. Thor blinks, a little hesitant 'Both?' he queries, 'Loki are you sure?!' Loki rolls his eyes exasperated and horny as hell, nodding his head furiously 'Mmmmmph!'

He doesn't need telling twice. Applying more lube, Thor starts to ease forward, working himself gradually in alongside the dildo. 'Fuck! You're so tight!' He watches Loki carefully - he's panting, head thrown back and back arching against the stretch. Thor can't help moaning as he pushes further in, the tight wet heat sending thrills through him that make him shudder. Loki is making a small keening noise, and Thor stops, concerned. 'Loki...do you need me to stop?'

Loki looks to Thor – there are tears welling in his eyes, but he hesitates, shaking his head uncertainly. 'Mmmph.' Thor nods and tries to go a little further, keeping his eyes fixed on Loki’s. The pale mans' face is contorted in a mixture of pain and pleasure, the tears beginning to flow freely now, tiny mewling noises slipping from behind the bit. He screws his eyes shut tightly and Thor feels him clench tight involuntarily. Loki whimpers - to Thor it seems that pain is winning out. He stills once more, stroking Loki’s ass and thighs soothingly.

'Loki,' his voice is calm and reassuring, 'I'll ask you again – do you need me to stop?' Loki’s reddening eyes dart about for a moment before settling on Thor's gaze. He gives a faltering nod, looking defeated, eyes still streaming, utters a muffled noise of agreement. Thor slowly removes the toy as smoothly as he can and reaches up, releasing the clasp on the gag and gently removing it.

'Th-thank you' Loki mumbles 's-sorry, I just – it was too much but...that pain...I needed it..' he trails off, licking his parched lips.

'We can stay like this for a while – I like it when it's just you and me. I mean I like the other stuff too, but... you know.' Thor murmurs, stroking damp strands of hair back from Loki’s face. 'How do you feel? Do you want to go on?' Loki squirms, still catching his breath, 'Please, Thor, for fucks' sake, move!' he strains upwards, seeking his lips as Thor starts to grind into him, slowly at first, pulling Loki’s' hips toward him. He hooks an arm under Loki, lifting him into a deep kiss and taking the pressure off his bound arms. 'You want the cuffs off too?' Thor mutters between kisses.

'Mmm no – I like feeling helpless in your arms, Thor,' Loki wraps his lithe legs around his lovers' hips, pulling him hard against him. He moans and falls into rhythm, hips tilting to meet Thor’s' with every deep thrust. 'Ah! God yes! More!' Thor gives a low rumble and kneels up, fucking into him harder and deeper, bracing one hand on the back of the sofa for better leverage. Loki cries out with abandon, Thor pounding into his sweet spot again and again.

'mm mmore! More! Fuck!' he's aching for the pain again, he needs the sharp, sweet bite of it. 'G-get the dildo back in, hurry!' Thor grunts and feels about for it, raising his eyebrows in surprise 'You sure about this?!' Thor breathes, hot against his neck, letting him feel the tip of the toy press against his already stretched entrance.

'Yes! Ahh yes! Thor! Give it to me!' Loki is rolling his hips up as Thor works the phallus slowly inside once more, gasping at the intensity. He stills for a moment, giving Loki time to adjust to the feel of so much more girth. His pale body is twitching and glistening with a film of perspiration, he's gasping and biting at his lip.

'There's more...do you want it?' Thor asks, tracing his free fingers lightly over Loki’s' belly in figure of eight patterns.

'More? Oh god...yes! YES!' his moans turn almost to squeals as Thor slides the toy the rest of the way, his heels dig into Thor's lower back, legs pulling both him and the dildo deep. He looks at Thor, panting, barely able to speak, eyes heavy-lidded with desire.

'You are so fucking beautiful' Thor whispers, starting to move once more, timing his thrusts to work in opposition with his hand controlling the dildo.

'Ah! N-no don't lie to me.' Loki gasps 'Not now! God...ah...I feel so full!'

Thor shakes his head in rebuke 'I'm not..I would n-never! You are the most beautiful person I have ever known.' He picks up the pace a little, stooping to mouth at Loki’s neck. 'Someday I'll make you believe that.'

'But for now, you'll fuck me, hmm?' A wry smile graces Loki's blushing lips.

'I was hoping that fucking you might help, actually.' Thor grins and thrusts harder in retaliation, sending Loki’s eyes rolling back and his mouth dropping open, slack-jawed and gasping.

'Ah..fuck...Loki' Thor feels his climax closing fast and fumbles at the cock ring 'Loki...ah...I c-can't hold on much longer.' He frees Loki’s' swollen member and props his shoulders against the back of the sofa, allowing him to use his free hand on Loki's cock. 'F-fuck! Nng Loki! Cum for me! Cum with me!' Loki is writhing and bucking under his touch, whining and shivering, mouth gaping, only managing to utter snatches of breathless words. Thor can feel his lover's prick tighten and twitch, feel his muscles start to spasm around his own dick. Loki surges forward, seeking Thor’s' lips as they cum hard and long, moaning and jerking together as the waves of their orgasms roll over them.

Thor reaches back and frees Loki of the cuffs as he tries to recover his breath.  
'Mmmm that was amazing! Where'd you learn to fuck like that?!' Loki teases, wrapping sore arms around Thor’s' neck, and drawing him close.

Thor half-shrugs, 'Just following your lead. Are your wrists okay?'

'It'll leave a mark' Loki purrs, 'a little something to remember this by' his mouth twitches up in a wicked smile.  
.  
'God I love you.' Thor murmurs, between snatched kisses, 'I love you so fucking much.'

'Don't..' Loki cuts him short, suddenly serious. 'Don't spoil it by saying things like that.'

'What? I was just being honest...' Thor looks puzzled.

'Just … don't.' Loki has grown tense and sullen, avoiding Thor's gaze but still pinned beneath him. 'You'd hate me if you knew what I'm really like.'

'Hey,' Thor strokes his cheek, still flushed and warm from their exertions 'That's not true.'

'I'm a fucking whore, Thor!' Loki sounds angry now, full of self-loathing.  
'Well, yeah – I kinda gathered that.' Thor tries to sound reassuring, 'But it doesn't matter – it's what you do to get by, not who you are at heart, Loki.'

'Yeah, right.' Loki sighs, 'When you think about it a bit longer, you'll hate me. You'll leave – everyone does. When the boys are old enough to realise exactly what I do, they will too.' The anger has faded a little, his voice grown small and resigned.

'Bollocks!'

'If only you knew' Loki smiles sadly. 'I mean I lied to you from the start – I never had a flat tire that night.'

Thor chuckles 'Yeah I noticed that when I was changing it out.'

Loki looks aghast 'You knew? Why the fuck did you still go with me after that?'

Thor shrugs 'You seemed like you could use a hand. And I had a good feeling about you.'

'Idiot! I was desperate! I would have gone with anyone!' Loki regrets his choice of words as soon as he hears himself utter them. 'Look, I'm sorry, but it's the truth. I just needed money for food and stuff, the kids had been living off bread and cereal for three days at that point...' he trails off, clearly thinking of things he'd rather avoid.

'Loki,' Thor's hand gently encourages him to turn his head back a little, to look at him. Thor with his bright eyes and kind heart... he has to do it, has to push him away before it's too late, before Loki destroys him too...

'No Thor. You don't get it. I'm a whore. I fuck for money. I'm soiled goods. Tainted, okay? And that's just the tip of the fucking iceberg. You want another reason to get the fuck away, how about this; I'm an addict. A junkie fucking hooker – go on – tell me how fucking wonderful I am now!'

Thor is stunned into silence, but his face is all concern. No revulsion, no anger, no flinching away – Loki can't take it. Suddenly he's crying, trying to hide his face, ashamed – but Thor just shifts them both, pulling Loki into a tight embrace. Loki resists at first, hitting out aimlessly with balled fists, trying to mask his pain with rage, but Thor does not relent. Held tight in those strong arms, Loki finally lets go, his thin frame wracked with silent sobs as Thor cradles him, kissing his hair, trying to quiet the demons within.


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluff and kiddies ^___^

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Crystal or TC - a drug much like crystal meth, only more potent. Full name, Tesseract Crystal.

__

_'_ _Get the FUCK away from my kids!'_ Loki is wild-eyed and screaming, standing in the middle of his living room in just a pair of boxers. He clutches at his head and staggers sideways, grabbing blindly for something to lean on.

'Steady, steady baby...' Thor keeps his voice calm and level, holding a hand out in placation as he cradles the small snuffling boy in the other arm.

'FUCK! OFF! Fuck you...' Loki rights himself and rubs at his eyes with the heel of his hand.

'Loki, baby, it's me... _it's me!'_ Thor steps forward slowly, trying to show Loki that his boy is safe and well, just a little upset. 'See, look, everything's okay....'

Loki blinks and starts giggling uncontrollably, sinking to his knees.

  


  


Everything _had_ been fine - just their average night really - Thor wanted to talk, Loki didn't. They half-watched some late night rubbish on the TV, Thor had a couple of beers, Loki stuck to gin... They had actually got close to having a proper conversation about Loki's kids - Thor still hadn't been able to coax anything out of him; no more than their names - and then ...

Loki had shut down the topic and escaped to the bathroom, leaving Thor to ponder what he did wrong this time. He'd been in there for a while when the crying started. Thor knocked on the door, calling Loki, telling him that one of the boys was upset, but only got muffled giggles or swearing in response.

He couldn't bear hearing the child crying and had gone to comfort him. It was the younger of the two boys, Fen, who was sitting huddled under the patchwork blankets, sobbing his little heart out when Thor went through. His brother - Sleipnir - clearly wanted none of it; he was sitting cross-legged with a pillow clamped round his head, covering his ears. His face was a scowl of disapproval, lower lip jutting forward in an angry pout. His rage seemed diminished in effect somewhat by his onesie with happy bunnies all over it.

Thor acted on instinct, giving the sullen boy an apologetic smile as he bundled the the younger sibling into his arms. He held the toddler gently, rocking him and murmuring soothing nonsense; and despite Thor being a stranger to the boy, he soon started to calm. That was when Loki had emerged, ranting and wild from the bathroom, high as a kite.

  


  


'Loki _...Loki?!'_ Thor sighs and jiggles Fen a little. Loki's still on the floor, giggling at nothing.

Sleipnir has given up trying to sleep and has hopped down to peer through to the living room.

'Mommy?' Sleipnir's voice is tired and querelous. Thor glances round at him, about to tell him that no, Mommy's not here right now - but the way the little boy is looking right at Loki gives him pause.

'Hey, baby!!!!' Loki's head snaps up and he beams at Sleipnir, holding out his arms to him. 'Come give me a cuddle! Who's my big boy?!'

Sleipnir trudges wearily over to him and Loki pulls him into a huge hug, tickling him and giggling. Thor watches the two fondly for a moment before finding a damp toy bunny being shoved at his face. Fen is waggling it enthusiastically, looking up at him with big clear green eyes and sucking at his pudgy little fist.

'For me?' Thor accepts the soggy toy graciously. 'Well thank you very much!'

Loki is back on his feet, heading for the kitchen 'You want pancakes babies? Uncle Thor hasn't had my pancakes - my pancakes are the BEST aren't they boys? THE BEST IN THE WORLD!'

'Loki, hey, how about another time?' Thor really doesn't relish the idea of him trying to cook in this state.

'Oh, I get it, you want to skip straight to the happy ending, big boy?' Loki drawls, grinning and leaning over the counter, somehow making a spatula look suggestive.

'No...' Thor sighs 'Loki, the kids? How about we put on a movie or something till everyone's calmed down a bit, hmm?' he says emphatically, addressing the would-be seducer. Like a shot, Loki's dashing over to the dvds, spatula still in hand.

'Ooooooh YES! Beauty and the Beast! Got to be - right babies?! Sleipi LOOOOVES Belle and and and Fen too, I think but he's not talking much yet...' the spatula gets wedged into the dvd rack as he grabs the Disney film excitedly, fumbling with the case. 'Fuck fuck fuck come oooon...'

Thor settles Fenrir on the sofa and lays a hand on Lokis back 'Here, I'll get that, why don't you go sit with the boys?' He keeps his voice calm and level, not wanting to send him spinning off into another change of mood.

Loki giggles and presses the case into Thor's hands 'oooh you are just so SWEET! YOU ARE!' he squashes Thor's face between his hands, pressing kisses to his lips before stumbling over to the sofa and flopping down. He bundles Fen into a cuddle and pats the cushion, calling to Sleipnir. 'Come on Sleipi, Uncle Thor says we can watch Beauty and the Beaaaaaast!!!' The little boy huffs and clambers up beside Loki, taking Fen's hand.

'Can we still have pancakes?' Sleipnir kicks his heels against the maroon couch.

'Sure, sure, I'll make some – my treat' Thor responds, before Loki can get up again. He sets the dvd playing and bustles thorough to the kitchen, glancing at Loki on the way; he seems a bit more settled, even if his is bouncing in his seat and grinning like a maniac.

Thor makes pancakes as best he can remember – they're not bad, perhaps a little sweet – keeping an eye on Loki and the boys out of the corner of his eye. The little kitchen opens onto the living room, thankfully, so he can peek across frequently as he cooks. Loki seems exhuberant, if over-excited; he laughs with the boys and sings snatches of the songs. It's sort of sweet really, Thor thinks to himself. If only Loki weren't off his face on Crystal, that is. He shakes his head and turns off the stove, carrying through a tray of pancakes, syrup, lemon juice, sugar, butter, chocolate sauce....he couldn't decide what to offer the kids, so he just brought everything he could think of. Shuffling the tray onto the low coffee table, he settles onto the sofa.

'ooooohhh YUM!' Sleipnir is instantly scooting forward, hand grabbing the top pancake on the stack before pausing and looking at Loki then Thor, ' I mean ... please may I have a pancake?'

Loki laughs, the most lighthearted Thor has ever heard him 'Yessss! Of course baby! Right, Thor?!' Loki grins across at him, eyes still looking somewhat unfocussed.

'Yeah, yeah! Go for it, little man!' Thor smiles warmly as Sleipnir hauls the pancake away, not bothering to put anything on it; content to sit nibbling it, clutched in his hands. The little boy tears a bit off of his prize and hands it to his younger brother. Fen accepts it, but only gets it halfway to his mouth before getting engrossed in the film again. Thor can't help smiling as he settles back, getting comfortable.

Disaster averted for the moment, Thor relaxes a little. The movie rolls on and it seems to have both the boys and Loki entranced; they occasionally grab bits of pancake or comment on the action. They even start involving Thor in their little jokes; Sleipnir pointing out 'the best bits' and explaining plot points or characters he thinks Thor might not have understood (which turns out to be almost everything, Thor thinks, amused). He's seen it before, of course, but plays along letting Sleipnir talk, enjoying being included.

For the first time, Thor is able to sit back and take in the events, and the company he's suddenly found himself with. Sleipnir can only be around four, if that. He has curly, strawberry-blond hair, dramatically different from Loki's jet black, sleek locks, his eyes are a rich hazel, a marbling of warm brown and deep olive green. He seems confident and relaxed, but from the way he keeps giving Fen bits of pancake and checking if he wants juice, it's clear that he sees it as his role to look after the toddler. Fen, on the other hand, is much quieter, clinging to Loki and barely making a sound once he's settled. He's barely more than a baby – one and a half, two perhaps – and his big, timid eyes are a stunning translucent green, an unusal combination with his sandy blond hair.

Gradually, they all settle together, Sleipnir settling in Thor's lap at some point, Thor drawing Loki and Fen closer with an arm about Loki's shoulders. By the time it gets to the last half-hour of the movie, the two boys are dozing peacefully and Loki seems more lucid, resting his head on Thor's shoulder and stroking Fen's hair as he sleeps. This, thinks Thor, is the most wonderful thing. He wonders in that moment if perhaps they could ever really be a real family, someday...the warm glow he feels deep inside is enough to tell him that it's something he'd like very, very much. To see Loki and these beautiful boys safe and happy; to have someone to look out for; to watch them grow up... He blinks and puts the thought aside; after all, there's a long way to go before they could hope to get there. After all, Loki's still not opening up to him. Not yet.

He leans down and kisses Loki's hair 'I'm gonna get these sleepy-heads back to bed,' he murmurs softly. Thor gathers the snoozing boys up, trying not to wake them and tucks them back into the bed they share. The two barely rouse as he pulls the covers over them, though Sleipnir mumbles something that could be 'thank you for pancakes.' Thor smiles and quietly retreats to the living room.

  


Loki is sitting forward, picking at something in foil on the table.

'Hey...that's them settled. How you feeling?' Thor asks as he comes to sit beside him on the couch.

'Hmm? Yeah, good, great, thanks – just gimee a sec and I'll be good to fuck, okay?!' He grins and picks at more of the blue substance in the foil, sucking it off his fingers and grimacing at the bitter taste.

'Loki we don't have to do that, not all the time – we can just...you know, spend time together.' Thor tries to parcel the Crystal back up, but Loki snatches it away.

'HEY, I NEED this, okay?! And what's wrong with the fucking - am I not good enough? I can do shit you wouldn't believe...'

'No, no that's not what I meant at all...' Thor looks concerned as Loki starts picking at the Crystal yet again 'I...haven't you had enough of that for tonight? Can't we just talk and stuff? Come on – I got on ok with the boys, didn't I? There's still so much I don't know about you...'

'I know what I'm doing Thor, Jesus!' he tuts and looks offended.

'Sorry, yeah, okay I guess....' He leans back, sighing and pulls the elastic out of his hair, shaking it loose and rubbing his head.

'You know enough, trust me on that.' Loki laughs mirthlessly and sucks more crumbs from his fingers 'If you knew any more you'd just fuck off like everyone else.' his last words are quiet, almost to himself and he seems distant.

'I'm not everyone else. You know that.' Thor reaches to take his hand. Loki does not stop him. They sit quietly like that for a long moment before Loki speaks.

'You're an idiot.' he mutters quietly. There's no venom behind it, if anything there's a fondness there. There's even the faint hint of a smile on his thin lips.

'As long as I'm _your_ idiot, I think I can live with that.' Thor squeezes his hand.

Loki sighs deeply 'Thor....I....' he looks away, finally putting down the foil package. 'I think...I want to tell you but...'

'I swear, whatever happened before; I'm not going anywhere.' Thor tries to sound reassuring.

'Is...is it to do with your boys?'

Loki stiffens and he won't look at Thor. His voice sounds small and tremulous '...I...I can't....Thor – you'll hate me... ' he turns, looking truly vulnerable and scared 'I....I don't want you to hate me...'

Thor tucks a stray strand of hair back behind Loki's ear, concern writ large on his face. 'Hey - hey, no...I could never hate you....please....'

Loki clams up, looking away again and shaking his head. Thor takes both his hands in his own and takes a chance.

'Loki....it's okay. I'm not leaving, I won't hate you. I....I noticed the boys.....they .....they don't call you Daddy...' he says it as gently as he can. 'They call you Mommy, don't they?'

Loki's voice is barely a whisper '...I'm a monster...'

Thor shakes his head 'No, no you're not...not even close...'

'They're my babies, Thor. You don't get it.' Loki keeps his eyes fixed on the floor.

'I know that, and they always will be – I know kids grow up fast but...'

'NO! THOR! They are my _babies_ – I...as in MINE, I carried them, I gave birth to them, I am their mother.' His voice is wavering, cracking, swinging between something like anger and self-loathing. 'Like I said – I'm a _monster._ '

Thor blinks, unsure what to say in response. It's a huge confession, an enormous secret that Loki has shared with him and he simply can't find the words to tell him how he feels. Instead, he cups Lokis face in his hand, tilting his head up to look at him. Thor holds his gaze, azure eyes showing nothing but concern and acceptance. He sees tears welling in Loki's eyes as he draws him into a slow, tender kiss. Loki is still tense, trembling as Thor kisses him -this is not real, he must be higher than he realised – he can't possibly actually still want him..... But as Thor's lips linger on his, the strong arms drawing him close, he almost laughs – he's still here...still .... Loki catches Thor's gaze in stunned amazement and suddenly he knows... just knows in the heart of him, that this is truly, fundamentaly real.

'You really are an idiot.' This time, Loki smiles as he says it, running his fingers into Thor's loose hair and pulling him into a deeper kiss.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all SO much for the kudos and comments, I'm utterly overwhelmed by my little story's reception!  
> There's lots more to come, so please do keep checking back <3
> 
> And I wanted to share this amazing fan-art! 
> 
> http://lunaisfree.tumblr.com/post/57353898334/for-the-thorki-fic-i-told-you-before-i-was-an
> 
> and these FANTASTIC cosplay pics by FAHRLIGHT!!!! I can't get over this! For more awesome pics based on the fic and more of her amazing Loki cosplay, please check out her Facebook page too;
> 
> https://www.facebook.com/fahrlightloki
> 
> http://fahrlightloki.tumblr.com/post/57272480732/fahrlight-loki-nal-escort-lover-mother
> 
> http://fahrlightloki.tumblr.com/post/57349482785/fahrlight-escort-lover-mother-addict
> 
> Thank you so much!!!!


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More insight into why Loki is....Loki. Be warned, things are about to start getting dark - there are references in this chapter to child abuse and mpreg, just as a heads up.
> 
> (Also thank you for sticking with me and all the lovely comments - I'm sorry this chapter took a while!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for waiting! And I'm thrilled to share some more amazing art! The lovely Fahrlight has been cosplaying escort!loki and inspired these!!!
> 
> http://fahrlightloki.tumblr.com/post/58087371607/hele-pj-a-full-length-one-this-time-thank-fahr
> 
> http://fahrlightloki.tumblr.com/post/57529830869/fahrlight-hele-pj-tried-to-make-a-sketch-of
> 
> Here's Fahr's awesome cosplay too:
> 
> http://fahrlight.tumblr.com/post/57269966391/loki-nal-escort-lover-mother-addict
> 
> and bonus gifs!!!
> 
> http://fahrlightloki.tumblr.com/post/58284118710/fahrlight-i-smoke-my-friends-down-to-the
> 
> asldkjfhsdlkfjhsadlkfjh so perfect, I can't get over it!  
> You all ROCK!!!

Thor wakes with a start. There had been a sound, something roused him, he knows it and his senses are peaked. It takes him a moment to remember where he is, blinking in the dim light. The garish red light from the alarm clock on the bedside cabinet is displaying 04:48. Loki's cramped bedroom is stuffy and warm and, Thor realises, too quiet. Loki sleeps almost silently, but he can tell the difference nonetheless – he feels his abscence. Sitting up, he rubs at his eyes with the heel of his hand, straining to hear what Loki might be doing. Nothing. Not a sound. Thor feels worry settle in his stomach like a stone as he swings his legs out of bed and pulls on boxers, making his way to the door.

Padding through to the living room, Thor peers around. Everything is still and quiet. He can make out shapes in the grainy semi-dark – everything is just as they had left it; a pizza box open on the low table, a half finished slice languishing with the crusts that Loki always discards; the blanket flung back over on end of the couch, cushions piled at the other end where they had lain watching cable and spooning; the assortment of toys that the boys has been playing 'Iron Man' with scattered in front of the TV – but no Loki.

He hears a tiny sound from the bathroom - at first he thinks it might be Sleipnir whispering stories to Fen - as he often does when his brother can't sleep - but no, it's definitely coming from the bathroom.

Thor finds the door ajar and pushes it slowly open. Loki seems unaware of him, sitting hunched on the bare tiles, hugging his knees to himself. The t-shirt he's wearing drowns him – it's one of Thor's that reads 'I love the shit out of you' and far too big on him. He's staring into nothing, tears falling every now and then to splash against his arm. As his eyes adjust, Thor can see that his lips are moving, rapidly forming words he can't quite hear, snatches of whispers drifting through the tiny room. A lump rises in his throat - Loki looks so small, so lost and fragile that it breaks his heart.

'Oh Loki...' it's the barest breath, more a sigh of sorrow than anything else. Quietly, Thor goes to him, crouching in front of him, trying to meet his eyes.

'Loki?...Loki, baby - it's me...' Thor speaks softly, scanning Lokis face for any sign of recognition. Loki stares through him as if he weren't there at all, his whispered monlogue still pouring forth. It's like he's somewhere else entirely, Thor thinks, brow furrowing as he reaches out to lay a gentle hand on Lokis arm.

'Loki...can you hear me?' He waves a hand in front of Loki's face, but he continues to stare blankly forward. The whispers seem to be getting louder, faster. He hadn't noticed when it started, but Loki is rocking back and forth ever so slightly. Thor can feel him trembling. He has to bring him out of this, somehow.

'Baby..' he speaks at a normal volume now, just trying to get through to him 'baby, it's okay...it's me...'

The rocking is becoming more pronounced now, and he's shaking his head, his tears coming faster and his blank expression crumpling into one of pain, though he still stares forward unseeing. Small whimpers fall from his lips, and Thor starts to make out snatches of words.

'...nnnn.....no....please....no more.....please.....no....daddy no....please ....I can't....'

Thor's heart stutters and his stomach lurches. He moves to cup Lokis face in his hand, to try and get him to see him, to come back from whatever hellish nightmare he's lost in. The second his hand brushes Loki's cheek, he finds it being slapped away. Loki is suddenly shouting, screaming at him, flailing blindly and scrambling to his feet.

'GET OFF! GET OFF!! DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!!' Loki is a whirlwind of fear and rage and knocks Thor off balance, fleeing the enclosed space still shouting and sobbing. 'YOU DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!!! YOU CAN'T DO THIS!! I WON'T LET YOU!!!'

Thor rushes after him, confused and terrified for his lover, for the children. He rushes toward Loki, but stops dead seeing a large kitchen knife held toward him in shaking hands. Oh god...

'YOU STAY AWAY! YOU GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU!!!! Loki is holding the knife at arms length in both hands - a defensive position, Thor realises - waving it without any real aim, just slashing at the air in front him. _He...he thinks I'm someone else..._ Very cautiously, he edges forward, hands out in supplication.

'Loki..LOKI...baby, it's ME....baby...'

Loki backs away from him, shaking his head violently and half screaming, half sobbing,

'NO!! WHERE IS MY BABY?!! WHAT DID YOU DO, YOU BASTARD?! MY BABY!!! GET BACK!! GET THE FUCK BACK!!!' he's frantic, eyes wild and desperate. Suddenly he turns the knife on himself, his voice drops to a low, hoarse rasp 'If you come one step closer I'll do it, I won't let you make me do it again, I won't! Get away! I swear I'll do it!'

Thor's blood runs cold - barely thinking, he launches himself forward, grabbing Loki's hands, wresting the knifefrom his grip and sending it skittering across the floor. He's vaguely aware of Fen crying, Sleipnir trying to quiet him and at the same time sounding scared himself. He has Loki by the shoulders, but he's still crying and shouting at him, hitting out with balled fists and desperately trying to get free.

'GET OFF!!! GET OFF!!! DON'T TOUCH ME!!!!'

He kicks Thor sharply on the shin and he nearly loses his hold, but instead manages to wrangle him back again. Acting on instinct, he wrestles them down onto the floor and wraps his arms and legs firmly around Loki, getting an elbow in the nose in the process.

'Ah! FUCK! Loki it's ME!' He gets a better hold, ignoring the wild flailing and bracing Loki against him. Loki struggles on, his voice wavering and small.

'Please...don't hurt me...daddy please, let go...i'll be good ...please...'

'Loki...it's okay, it's me...I've got you' Thor murmurs, keeping Loki pressed firmly to his chest. He feels Loki sag a little, giving up his futile fight.

'....I'll do it...I'll be good...I promise...I'll do better daddy, I will...'

Thor's heart lurches again. _Jesus Loki, what the fuck happened to you?_ He muses as he cradles him.

'I got you...it's me....it's Thor...I've got you...you're safe ....' Thor mutters softly to him, loosening his grip a little, stroking his arms soothingly. 'You're safe now...it's okay..'

He catches Sleipnir's worried gaze and gives him what he hopes is a reassuring nod. The little boy seems to understand and nods back, turning back to the bedroom and ushering Fen back to his side of the bed. At times he seems so much older than he is. Thor will check on them in a little while, but for now he turns his attention back to the now quiet, softly shaking man in his arms. He can hear quiet, choked back sobs from Loki, like he's trying not to be heard. Thor just holds him close, rocking him gently as if he were a child. At some point he starts to hum, a song from his own childhood, half remembered but comforting all the same.

Thor loses track of how long they stay like that, but the first rays of dawn are creeping around the curtains when Loki looks up, eyes red but focused once again; focused on Thor. His voice cracks when he speaks.

'....Thor?...'

Thor smiles wearily down at him.

'Hey...hi...' he gently tucks a stray strand of hair back behind Loki's ear.

'...I'm sorry.'

'Shhh, it's okay. I got you...you don't have to be sorry.'

'...before...when I was...' Loki fiddles nervously with a lock of hair and bites at his lip. '...did I ...did I say anything bad?'

Thor sighs and kisses the top of his head, deliberating.

'You seemed scared. Really scared.'

Loki nods.

'...You... you were begging someone not to hurt you....your father, I think.'

He feels Loki tense against him, going very still.

'Loki?...It's okay...you don't have to tell me if it's too much.'

Loki sighs deeply and seems to deflate.

'No....no...you have to find out sometime...and after tonight...I...I was hoping you'd never see me like that.'

Thor strokes his arm softly.

'Is that why you wouldn't stay over for so long?'

Loki gives a curt nod.

'Mm... a bit of it, yes...' he trails off into silence again, but Thor doesn't push him to speak, just keeps holding him close, tracing small circles on his arm with his thumb.

'He...he said it was for science.' Loki speaks quietly, looking away. Thor can feel him drawing little patterns at random over his skin with one delicate finger. 'I don't even really know when it started. I just ... it was always like that. As long as I can remember.' he sighs again.'I thought it was normal for such a long time.'

Thor's heart is thumping, dreading what may come - in the pit of his stomach, nausea rises. He says nothing, trying to remain strong and calm, steady for Loki to lean on.

'...He always told me it was because he loved me so much, that it was a good boys duty to his father...and he'd get so angry if I tried to stop him' Loki shudders involuntarily.

'He hurt you?'

Loki nods, once.

'...one time he beat me so badly I was throwing up blood for a week....I learnt not to fight back...'

'Jesus Christ...' Thor breathes, shaking his head. He feels Loki give a ghost of a shrug.

'...I got used to it. It was only every now and then, and as long as I didn't fight him...' Loki pauses for a long moment. 'Of course then puberty hit and ....he...we ...found out about my...problem...after that, it was all the time - he wouldn't leave me alone, he was always trying to....to....make me...' his voice chokes and drifts off. When he speaks again, it's with a cold detachment, as if he were merely reciting statistics. '...They kept dying; the babies. He kept charts, notes, remains... _science_.'

Thor's rage is growing by the second.

'Bastard...utter BASTARD... how could he? How could anyone DO that? Jesus FUCK Loki...' He holds him tighter, wishing he could take all that away, wishing he could shoulder even some of this terrible trauma, spare him some pain, anything.

'He was a doctor...he said that's what doctors do....that he had to keep trying until...until it went right' Loki stammers. 'But they kept dying, Thor! My babies...my poor babies...' he heaves a dry sob.

'Jesus fucking Christ...I'll kill him...I'll fucking kill him!' Thor has never felt the kind of deep, churning hatred he finds building within him.

'I got away Thor. It's ...it's okay.' Loki sounds tired, defeated.

'It's so far from fucking okay, I can't even fucking...'

'Thor, please, don't.'

Thor grunts but quiets, holding Loki tightly, mind racing.

'He should pay for what he did to you.'

'Thor, just...stop.'

Thor sighs deeply and kisses his hair possessively. He can barely take it in – what monster of a man could do that? His own son... Thor shudders to think of what that did to his beloved. All those years of abuse and loss, lies upon lies binding him to the perpetrator. The person who should have been protecting him using him for his own perverted whims.

'How the hell did you even get away from that fucking psycho?'

Loki shifts against him, balling his fists in the oversized shirt.

'There...there was a man that used to visit. A student. My father and he would talk for hours about surgery and stuff...I ...I was nineteen and ...and I knew I was pregnant again and...I ran. When they were laughing and talking about their precious science one day I just ran and ran. I went as far as the cash I swiped from Daddy dearest's wallet would take me. That's when Thanos found me and took me in. '

'Thanos...you mean your...'

'Pimp, Thor, just spit it out.'

Thor clenches his jaw and falls silent again.

'He was good to me, Thor. He looked after me, saved me really. Got me into this place eventually.' Loki gestures vaguely to their surroundings. And he...he could get good money out of it. You'd be surprised how many guys get off on doing you when you're knocked up.' His voice is weary and bitter.

Thor shakes his head, anger still roiling within him, clutching Loki tight. After a pause, he asks quietly, 'What happened to the baby?'

Loki looks up, tearful.

'Thor..I can't...'

Thor cradles his sallow cheek.

'Tell me, Loki.' His voice is soft and concerned, his saphire eyes reassuring as Loki searches them.

'Thor...it was Sleipnir. He ... his real father was...my own...' He breaks and tears fill his eyes. 'Oh god...oh god please don't hate him...oh god ...'

Thor pulls him up, into a proper embrace, burying his face in his raven hair. 'Loki no – I could never, it's not Sleipi's fault, it's not yours either. I love you, shh it's okay, I got you...' Thor's heart is thumping – he had suspected, knowing that Sleipnir is nearly five – but hearing it... knowing that Sleipnir, sweet, caring Sleipnir was forced on Loki by his own father... His stomach churns at the thought of that man, that monster – but Sleipnir and Loki....he loves them and it makes his heart ache for them.

Loki stares disbelieving,'You don't think we're disgusting?' his eyes are red rimmed and watery, his hair haloing about his head in disarray.

Thor smiles sadly and pulls him into a soft, tender kiss. 'Never. I love you, and Sleipi no matter who his father is; Fen too. Hey...' he shifts and stands, pulling Loki up with him. 'Come with me.'

Thor leads a still sniffling Loki to the boys room and puts his arms around him.

'Look at them. How could I NOT love them?' he murmurs into Loki's ear. He surprises Thor by spinning around and flinging his arms around his neck.

'Oh Thor, you are the sweetest, stupidest...' He pulls Thor's lips to his own, eyes sparkling. 'Can...I...sometimes I like to stay with them' he looks over at the sleeping boys. 'Would you mind?'

Thor smiles and strokes his thumb along Loki's jaw. 'I think that sounds like a great idea.'

He gently kisses him again and nods. Loki smiles weakly and makes his way around the bed, slipping in beside Fen and stroking his soft, fine hair. Thor climbs in, shifting Sleipnir gently further into the middle and wincing when the little boy frowns and mumbles in his sleep. He lies on his side, facing Loki across the two softly dozing children and smiles tiredly, reaching for his hand. Loki reaches across and their fingers entwine. The gentle sound of the boys slumbering breathing, soft huffs and sighs, soon lull them into sleep themselves, hands still clasped together, embracing the children lovingly.

  


  



	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lots of fluff and kiddies but also some smut and Loki insights.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sections in italics are flashbacks to varying points in Lokis childhood.

The sun is high and there's a cool breeze wafting in from the ocean as Thor ushers Loki onto the pillion of his bike.

'Come on, come on, we'll be late!' Thor chides with a grin.

Loki rolls his eyes 'I still don't understand why you won't just tell me where the hell we're going.' He mounts the bike anyway, huffing and gripping around Thor's waist.

'It wouldn't be a surprise if I told you!' Thor beams, winking. Loki shakes his head and wonders again why on earth he agreed to this. He doesn't do 'dates' - he just doesn't. A day off is a day off though and he'd usually just spend it in front of the telly or in bed, with a decent supply of TC. Of course Thor always throws disapproving looks when he takes a hit; or sits and tuts at him like some giant school teacher but, Loki supposes, he means well.

They have already spent a lazy morning variously in bed and wandering from shop to shop, picking up tasty morsels for later on. A picnic, it seems is on the cards - but that's about as much as Loki can get out of Thor and it's infuriating. He's been planning this for a while now, Loki is sure of it - he had even arranged for Loki's friend-come-babysitter Tash to take the boys for a while. He's been up to something ever since....ever since.... Loki pushes the thought away - he hates that Thor ever saw him like that. If he could avoid it, he would never tell anyone about... _that_. Loki shudders at the mere thought of his father.

They are heading back through town, the streets bustling with life, lots of grinning, gawping tourists flapping about in sandals and sunburns, but Loki's mind is elsewhere.

  


_He couldn't understand it. He had been eating barely anything, exercising every chance he got, even sneaking laxatives from the medicine cabinet and still he was gaining weight. He couldn't even get his pants buttoned this morning and he had secured them with a hair tie in desperation. He scrutinises himself for hours in the mirror, lifting his shirt and trying to suck in his stomach to no avail. It just sits there, mocking him, round and bloating despite everything hes tried. He hates it. His father will hate it. He'll be angry if he doesn't lose the weight. He jabs his index finger at his stomach emphatically, punctuating his whispered pleas 'JUST. GO. AWAY.' Something shifts, something moves, he feels it and is filled with terror and disbelief. Something is inside him, living inside him. No..No no no no this has to be a nightmare – wake up, wake up! Whatever it is shifts again and he can't hold back a cry of fear before his vision turns dark and he hits the floor._

  


Thor corners sharply and Loki is jolted back to the here and now. He grips Thor tighter, fingers digging into his leather jacket, determined to anchor himself to this place, this time, not to slip again. He leans his head against Thor's back. He's so solid, so real...

It dawns on Loki that they are in an area he doesn't recognise and the tang of the salt air seems stronger suddenly. The beach then? Was that the big surprise? _Oh Thor, you sweet idiot I can't stand sand getting into everything..._ To his surprise, they take another turn and pull into a private marina. _This can't be right_ Loki thinks, _we must be picking up fresh seafood or something ludicrous._ He rolls his eyes thinking about how readily Thor seems to part with his money and waits for the engine to cut out before dimounting.

'So what is it here? Crab? Some other weird fishy thing that I probably won't eat?' Loki teases, removing his helmet and fixing his hair.

'No, not exactly.' Thor smiles wryly. 'How are your sea legs?'

Loki blinks 'My _what_?'

'Sea legs...you know...how are you on boats? I have some tablets if you get sea-sick or anything...' Thor rambles nonchalently as he starts getting to picnic out of the panniers.

Lokis eyes widen 'You mean... _you hired a boat?!'_ He can't hide his excitement and for once, he really doesn't care. 'Which one?! Is it this one? It has to be this one!' Loki is pointing to a little speed boat, a few berths along from where they stopped.

'Um no...actually it's the next one along.' Thor doesn't even bother trying to disguise how adorable he thinks Loki is being right now, it's like seeing a kid at Christmas.

Loki laughs 'Yeah right - no seriously, where is it!!!!'

Thor crosses his arms and indicated the next boat along – the one Loki had just dismissed as being a joke. It's huge. A gorgeous, sleek-hulled beast that must have room to sleep four, at least. Loki does a double take, head snapping between the boat and Thor.

'Are you _serious_?! You are insane! Thor this must've cost a fortune!!' Loki is walking around, looking the vessel over from all angles. He shakes his head, gobsmacked. 'Oh the boys would have loved this...'

'Really?' Thor drawls 'That's lucky.'

A taxi has pulled up at the entrance to the walkway and a rather smug looking, stunning red-haired woman emerges, looks pointedly at Loki and then sets about retriving a very excited Sleipnir and a somewhat sleepy-looking Fen from the back. As they approach, Loki is openly gaping – no-one has ever done something like this before, no-one – he can't quite take it in. As he takes Fen from Tasha he smiles widely, shaking his head.

'YOU...I want words with you later!'

Tasha smirks 'Sure thing, enjoy!' and with that she sweeps off, back to the taxi before Loki can muster any further admonition.

'Hey baby! Oh are you tired Fen-fen?' Loki coos to the little boy in his arms. Fenrir merely buries his face against Lokis neck, grabbing a fistful of his shirt.

'He can't be tired – he just woked up.' Declares a fidgeting Sleipnir 'Can we go on the boat now? Can we, can we can we? Pleeeeeeaaaassse?'

Thor chuckles and sweeps him into a big hug, eliciting squeals and giggles of delight. 'I think we'd better or we'll be late!' He sets Sleipnir down and gathers up the supplies, heading toward the boat. Sleipnir trots along with him and Loki follows with Fen, who is gradually coming around and looking more interested.

'You keep saying that – how can we be late for our own boat trip?!' Loki asks pointedly. Thor just smiles.

'Is this really your boat uncle Thor?' Sleipnir asks, in awe as they reach it's side.

'YOURS?!!' Loki has stopped stock still in shock.

Thor looks a little awkward 'um....yeah...Tash wasn't supposed to say anything, actually.'

Loki gapes anew, taking in the name on the hull 'Stormborne.'

'Are...are you rich?' he can't help asking.

Thor shrugs 'I do okay – you know, the custom comissions and whatnot.' He tries to avoid the subject, setting the supplies on board and retrieving two lifejackets for the boys.

'What exactly is _whatnot ?'_ loki narrows his eyes – Thor doesn't seem the dealer type, what with his dislike of Loki's habit but you never can tell...

Thor sighs, trying to fasten a very bouncy Sleipnir into his little lifejacket. 'Well it's my Dad, really. I try to do my own thing with the bikes, you know, make my own way.'

'Right...so...your Dad is rich?' Loki frowns, holding Fen as Thor fits the other jacket.

'My Dad – yeah, yeah I guess you could say that. He's ... he's Odin. Look I'm sorry I didn't say anything, I just didn't want to ...'

'Odin.'

'Yeah.'

'As in THE Odin. Owner of the Asgard group?'

'Yeah'

'Fuck me.....'

'Loki, the boys...'

'...is something we shouldn't say in polite company children.' He's still reeling.

'Are you okay?' Thor is a picture of concern – he hadn't intended for it to come out like this.

'I...yeah...' Loki blinks again and shakes his head, trying to clear it – this is insane; he'd known Thor must have enough to fling it around a bit, but _this_... He grabs the front of Thor's t-shirt and pulls him into a kiss, grinning. Thor takes that as him being okay and grins back, kissing him again. Fen scrunches up his face and shoves a small hand between their noses. Sleipnir seems to be of the same opinion and tugs adamantly on Thor's jeans.

'Can we GO now?!!!'

Thor and Loki both laugh seeing his petulant face.

'Yes, Sleipi, sure. Come on then.' Thor releases Loki and gets a hold of the back of Sleipnirs' life jacket before he takes off too far. Helping him on board, Thor adds 'no running about on the deck though, okay?'

Sleipnir jumps up and down, impatient for them to get going 'Whyyyyyy???!!'

'Because it gets really slippery and we don't want you falling over and getting hurt, yeah?' Thor answers patiently as he takes Fen to let Loki climb on, then hands him up.

'So no running, got it?' Loki empasises firmly.

'Okaaaayyy.' Sleipnir scuffs his feet as Thor unhitches the ropes and coils them neatly aboard, hopping up with practiced ease.

'Alright! Who wants to come up and help me steer?' He beams at them all, in his element.

'Uh...I don't know..okay I guess' Loki is hesitant, he's never been on a boat before and has no idea what to expect. Thor smiles, stroking his arm.

'Follow me – come on, it's the best view up there anyway.'

Loki nods, a little wide-eyed and makes his way carefully after Thor, holding Fen tightly. Sleipnir seems unphased and tries to follow as fast as possible without running.

'Where's the big wheel?' Sleipnir asks, looking bemusedly at the panel of simple levers and buttons.

'This is it, Sleipi, it's just smaller these days' Thor indicates a circle of metal on the panel with a little handle on it. Sleipnir looks distinctly disappointed.

'I thought there would be a wheel...' he pouts.

'Oh baby, no, that's just on the really old boats like in Pirates of the Carribean.' Loki tries to explain.

'But you can help me steer it Sleipi? How's that?' Thor offers, hoping to win him around again. It works. Sleipnir's eyes go wide.

'REALLY? Like for real steering the boat? Really really?!' The little boy is bouncing again. Thor grins and chuckles.

'Yep, _really_ really! I'll get us out of the marina and then I'll show you, ok?'

'Mommy mommy!!! I get to drive the boat!!!!' Sleipnir is exstatic and can't keep still.

'I know, baby, isn't it great?!' Loki beams at him and then at Thor, mouthing a silent 'thank you.' Fen seems interested in the large colourful buttons and keeps leaning out trying to reach for them.

'Oh you want to help too, Fen?' Thor smiles and turns the key in the ignition. 'Go ahead, press that one there.' Loki guides Fen's hand to the right button and helps him push it. The engine roars into life and Fen laughs, reaching to press it again. 'Just the once is great, well done Fen' Thor beams.

Thor guides them carefully out into open water, and soon they are picking up speed, Thor guiding Sleipnirs hand on the wheel and Loki closing his eyes, enjoying the wind and spray on his face, holding Fen securely in his lap. He breathes deep lungfuls of the ocean air, listening to Thor and Sleipnir shout back and forth to each other over the noise of the wind and waves. Fenrir wriggles about, turning around every now and then to look in a different direction, sometimes tugging at Loki's t-shirt or exclaiming 'mamama!' loudly, pointing at things. Loki finds it is enough to keep his mind from wandering, and for that he is thankful. After a little while, the engine slows and stops completely. Loki opens his eyes, blnking.

'What's wrong? Why have we stopped?' He looks inqiusitively at Thor.

'Nothing's wrong, we've arrived, that's all' Thor smiles, stepping don from the helm and checking Sleipnirs life jacket.

'Arrived?' Loki looks incredulous 'For that ugent appointment in the middle of the sea, oh of _course_.' he snorts derisively. Thor just smiles, infuriatingly, and starts to unpack the picnic. Sleipnir bounds over to Loki.

'Did you see? I was driving it! Did you see?!' he bubbles, bouncing on his heels.

'I _did_ – you were so good, baby! Just like a proper captain!' Loki fusses 'My big clever boy!' Sleipnir giggles and flings his arms around Loki's neck, planting a big kiss on his cheek.

'Captain Sleipnir!!! YAAAARRRGH!!!'

Loki laughs and copies him 'YAAAARRRGH!!!' They both grin and giggle, but Loki is suddenly aware that Thor isn't diving into the action like he usually does. He's stopped unpacking and is just staring out over the water, a bottle of juice in one hand and some paper napkins in the other. Loki's heart skips in panic.

'Th-Thor? …..baby what is it?'

Thor motions for Loki to come over to him, putting down the picnic bits and keeping his eyes fixed somewhere out to sea. He turns Loki by the shoulders and points.

'What am I looking at?! What's wrong?!' The worry in Loki's voice is obvious and it prompts Thor to speak.

'Just keep looking....about a third of the distance between us and the horizon.' That doesn't quell Loki's concern at all, but he scans the water in any case wondering what on earth had gotten into his boyfriend. Just as he's about to turn and admonish Thor, a huge dark shape breaks the surface, skin glistening, pale patches stark against the near black of the body of...of....and just as suddenly, it's gone again.

'Wh-what ….was that?!' Loki's eyes are wide, his voice hushed with awe.

'Sea monster.'

Loki turns and thumps a grinning Thor square on the chest.

'OAF! You know damn well what I...' Loki drifts off, a smile blooming on his lips, 'Was it a...a whale?!' As if in answer, a huge column of water erupts from the other side of the boat, with a noise like a giant snorkel being cleared. 'OH MY GOD!!! FEN!! SLEIPI LOOK!!!' Loki scoops up Fen and grabs Sleipnir's hand, pulling him over to get a better look, as Thor laughs at the reaction.

They are still looking out in the direction the spout came from when Thor calls over

'Look DOWN!'

Loki and Sleipnir do and both gasp almost in unison as they see a massive shadow passing beneath the boat.

'They're curious.' Thor beams 'Come on, down to the lower deck and we'll see if we can get their attention.' Loki looks as if his eyes will pop out, Sleipnir claps and bounces.

'What? But they...are....HUGE and....and...'

'And gentle and very friendly.' Thor interjects. 'Trust me.' He holds out his hand. Loki takes it, hesitantly and allows himself to be led down to the back of the boat where a flat open area seems designed for paddling or swimming from. Thor gets a grip on a very excited Sleipnir's life-jacket and sits right at the edge, dabbling and splashing with his hand in the water. Loki looks worried and clings tightly to Fen, who seems to be just enjoying looking around and chewing Loki's hair. Thor turns to say something when a massive head emerges a few feet from the boat – like an absurdly large whack-a-mole marionette – and looks them over for a long moment before submerging again with barely a ripple.

'WHOA!!!' Sleipnir is clearly impressed.

'What is it DOING??!!' Loki holds Fen tighter 'are you SURE it's safe?!'

'Yes! Completely! This is why I brought you all out here!' Thor slaps at the water again and Sleipnir follows his example, deciding to call to the cetacean for added effect.

'HEEEERRREEE MR WHAAAAALE!!!!'

'They're Grey Whales, it's their migration season' Thor attempts to explain. 'They've grown very friendly over the last few years, seem to really like people.' He pauses, squinting. 'Hey Sleipi, I think you should change that to _Mrs_ Whale....look – she's got a baby with her.' He shows Sleipnir where to look and the boy laughs raucously.

'That's the biggest baby in the WORLD!!!'

'Yeah just about Sleipi!'

'Oh my God...' Loki whispers in awe, as the surface breaks right beside them and there, looking up at them is a great dark eye set over a long gash of a mouth; the whale is just calmly lolling at the surface, looking almost expectant.

'And the most relaxed mommy ever, letting her baby come see us..' Thor speaks quietly, reaching out and patting the rubbery skin. 'Go on Sleipi, it's safe.'

Sleipnir has fallen silent and stretches over, stroking the calf's massive head. The calf seems to approve and rolls onto it's back like a giant aquatic puppy demanding belly rubs. The tension is broken and everyone laughs, Loki coming closer with Fen as the bizarre petting session continues.

'Look Fenny, see the baby whale?'

Fen frowns. 'baybeee?'

Loki nods, smiling.

'That's right darling, _baby_. ' He shifts the little boy to his other hip. 'You want to say hello, like Sleipi and Uncle Thor?'

Fen pouts, forehead crinkling, shaking his head. 'Big.' Loki nuzzles his cheek.

'I know, he's VERY big, but he's only a baby, just like you Fen-Fen.'

The calf has rolled onto it's side again and puffs a spray of water over Thor and Sleipnir, who both burst out laughing. The sudden noise puts Fen off further though and he plants his face against Loki's shoulder, shaking his head emphatically.

'Okay, okay baby; mommy's got you.' Loki rocks him a little and murmurs reassurances as he watches Thor with his older son. He actually finds himself smiling. It would be so good for the boys to have someone, to really have someone – not just some fleeting 'uncle' who is gone in a few weeks but...a father. He shakes himself from the reverie, as the pair stand on the deck, Thor lifting Sleipnir onto his shoulders to wave goodbye to the departing whales. Maybe though...he drifts again...just maybe.

  


  


They stay, drifting idly for a little while longer, picking at the food and talking happily about their close encounter. Thor delights in telling them how some of the whales are old enough to remember when people hunted them for food and fuel; how they seem to be showing forgiveness despite the past. For some reason this strikes Loki like a blow, he's not sure why, it just seems so far beyond the capacity of any human he has encountered. Soon both boys are sleepy, lulled by the rocking of the boat and tired from the excitement of the day. Thor helps Loki to tuck them into bed in the main cabin to nap through the trip back.

They don't speak much on the way, Thor mans the helm of course, and Loki stays close, wrapping his arms around the blond man's waist and resting his head against his muscular frame. For once he lets his mind drift and it doesn't stray to the dark days of his youth or the nightly sacrifices for his children – instead it replays the day, the surprises, Sleipnir's face when he touched the whale for the first time, how good Thor was with both the boys... The memories are marred only by the insistent and growing pangs that eat at his innards. He's been far too long without TC today, he needs to get some into his system before it gets really bad. Soon, they are slowing, Thor guiding them smoothly into the marina and back to the berth they began from. Loki watches him, the evening sun almost seems to make his bronzed skin glow as he secures the boat once more and hops back up lithely. He feels warm inside, somehow thrilled seeing Thor like this, flashing Loki a smile as he ducks into the cabin to fetch the children. It makes him nervous, uneasy – it's unfamiliar and he doesn't entirely feel in control. His skin is starting to itch and the restlessness is getting stronger. Thor re-emerges, Fen still dozing on one arm and Sleipnir stumbling along, holding his hand and yawning.

'Mommy can we c-coome...' Sleipnir interrupts himself with a particularly big yawn 'can we come back again?'

'Yes baby, if it's alright with Da- Uncle Thor' Loki bites his lip, hoping the slip went unnoticed.

'Fine with me' Thor beams, 'But bed time for sleepy boys, now! Come on, Tasha should be waiting with a taxi.'

'You really have thought of everything, haven't you?' Loki shakes his head, incredulous as he disembarks, taking Fen from Thor once he's on the jetty.

'I hope so' Thor retorts, with a sly smile, lifting Sleipnir down. 'Now you boys be good for Tasha okay? Me and Mommy will be back tomorrow.' He starts to walk back toward the entrance, taking Sleipnir's hand and placing the other on Loki's lower back.

'What? Tomorrow? I thought..'

'I thought we could have a little 'alone time' at my place tonight.' Thor winks at him and Loki finds himself tongue-tied, nodding.

'O-okay...'

  


  


Seeing the boys off and the bike ride back to Thor's apartment seems to pass in a blur. TC becomes the only thing on Loki’s mind: he's already playing it through in his head, how quickly he can prepare and take a hit. They barely get in the door before Loki rushes to the bathroom, without a word, slamming the door behind him. Thor frowns and sags against the door, tossing his keys on the sideboard.

No matter how good a time they have, no matter how close to real happiness he manages to bring Loki, it always comes down to this. There's always this nasty, insidious poison that breaks it up, that takes away everything Thor tries to give Loki. His heart sinks, realising exactly what that means. He has to get him clean, or this won't work. Not ever...

  


Loki scrabbles at the wrapping on his small package of TC, almost fumbling and dropping it with shaking hands. Fuck..just a little he just needs a little, to take the edge off...

_It's dark, the only light coming from the gap under his bedroom door. He's wide awake, senses heightened, eyes wide and staring into the night. He must stay awake. He has to. Otherwise it will come for him again. The monster that crushes him, squeezes the breath from him till he can't make a sound, pierces him with its horrid big stinger and makes those noises like a pig, snuffling and grunting until he's sticky and bleeding and shaking. He has to stay awake. He's nearly eight – nearly a big boy and he has to stay strong, beat the monster. If he can stay awake, it won't get him. A shadow flickers under the door and he flinches. The door creaks open and he begins to tremble – until the light reveals his visitor. Oh ...Daddy....it's just Daddy... Relief washes through him until he hears that noise...the grunting. He shakes his head in the dark as the breath is crushed from him once more..._

Loki finishes his line of TC and stares at his reflection – _this_ is not _then_ , he tells himself over and over. The drug starts to rush through him and he feels his limbs loosen. _This_ is real, _this_ is real. _Thor_ is real. Thor; kind, warm, caring, _real_ Thor. The rush starts to thrill through him and now all he can think of is Thor's strong arms, that well muscled torso, the feel of his lips pressed against his own slender neck. Loki takes a deep breath and heads for the door, only one thing now on his mind.

  


Loki bursts from the bathroom grinning widely and shoves Thor back against the door, kissing him hard and running his hands greedily over his chest, clawing at his neck and shoulders. Thor is taken by surprise but responds eagerly, with equal voracity, sloughing off Loki's jacket onto the floor and pulling him hard against him, his fears temporarily whisked aside.

Suddenly, Loki's lips leave his and he sighs at the loss, shuddering as the slender man's fingers deftly run over his stomach and undo his fly. Loki wastes no time, yanking Thor's jeans down and making him gasp with the heat of his mouth.

'Mmmmh...Loki...gods...' Thor runs his fingers into his dark hair, hips moving on their own as Loki runs his eager tongue along the length of his hardness and takes him into his mouth. Thor's head falls back against the door with a thump, his eyes closing in ecstasy.

'Ah! Ow! Fuck...'

Loki chuckles around him and sucks in his cheeks, swirling his tongue over Thor's head and making him shudder again. He rakes his fingers over Thor's stomach, under his shirt as he bobs his head up and down, lips firmly gripping around his throbbing shaft. Thor feels like his knees will give out any second, and he grips Loki's hair tighter, moaning.

A few more deft motions and Thor can't stand it any more. He pulls Loki up with a growl and kisses him fiercely, grappling at his shirt, ripping it off, kicking off his jeans and trainers.

'Mmmmh! Thor!' Loki grins between the kisses, lifting Thor's t-shirt off over his head as Thor's thick fingers free him from his own tight jeans. Thor picks him up, hoisting him to sit against his hips, still kissing his lips, his neck, his earlobe. Loki moans and cinches his legs behind his lover as Thor strides through to the bedroom, carrying him as if he weighed nothing. He clings to Thor, pressing as close as he can, raking his fingers through his hair, pulling at it in desperation. Thor growls again and guides them onto the bed, groping blindly on the bedside cabinet for lube, grinning and biting at Loki's pale chest.

'Just...just...' Loki moans and writhes as Thor runs slick fingers over his entrance, teasing. He grabs Thor's wrist and guides him, sliding a thick finger inside him, biting his lip.

'Ahh god Thor yes!! Mmh...more!! Come ooooon!!' He claws at Thor's chest with his other hand, arching his back and pleading with his eyes. Thor works him open a little more, but Loki is already begging, whimpering and shivering, his cock hard and dripping with pre-cum. It's driving Thor wild and he presses forward, feeling the tight ring of muscle open to him, engulf him in pulsing heat.

'Ahhh, Loki....mmh' Thor rumbles as Loki gasps and pants beneath him, hands scrabbling to pull him closer, to press their lips together. They lose themselves to the moment, hips moving together, mouths locked together in fierce passion. For Loki, every touch is thrilling, he's alive with electricity – he knows it's the drug but he doesn't care; it's just so good. He feels Thor's strong hand close about his cock and his hips buck upwards, his body taking charge, a deep heat rising, building within. A whimper falls from his lips as Thor shifts his angle and quickens his pace, groaning and shivering against him.

'Thor!!! Oh god...I'm so c-close!!!' Loki arches against Thor, grinding down against him as hard as he can, mouth hanging open and moaning loudly. Thor hardens within him even more, twitching and swelling, straining for release.

'Fuck, yesss....cum for me baby, come for me' Thor breathes hotly against his neck. That sends Loki tumbling over the edge, and he spills in Thor's hand, clawing at his back, shuddering violently. Just as the last convulsions ripple through him, Thor cries out, hips jerking out of rhythm and bucking into Loki hard and deep. Loki can feel the rush of hot seed filling him up and he moans again, seeking Thor's lips, face flushed and panting.

Thor kisses him over and over, breathless.

'S-so..' Thor gasps 'g-good date then?!'

Loki grins and thumps him on the chest laughing. After a little while, Loki drifts to sleep, limbs still tangled together with Thor's and still smiling.

And for once, Loki's sleeps soundly.

Thor though lies awake, holding Loki close; unable to shake his mind from the challenge that could save or break them. He has to get Loki off TC. For his own sake; for the boys; for _them._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The whales described really do exist and behave like this!  
> I strongly recommend YouTube searching 'friendly grey whales'  
> it's truly amazing!
> 
> Also check out this amazing new cosplay by the awesome Trent!!!
> 
> http://thenightdreams.tumblr.com/post/58839653160/escort-loki-based-off-the-amazing-fic-by
> 
> http://thenightdreams.tumblr.com/post/58825348751/did-escort-loki-makeup-test-and-sorta-clothes-test
> 
>  
> 
> and this GORGEOUS fanart of Fahrlight's cosplay
> 
> http://fahrnight.tumblr.com/post/58812718170/cos-im-down-on-my-knees-and-im-begging-
> 
> http://hele-pj.tumblr.com/post/58075682129/a-full-length-one-this-time-thank-fahr-for-all-her#notes
> 
> http://hele-pj.tumblr.com/post/57504638172/tried-to-make-a-sketch-of-fahr-as-escort-loki#notes
> 
> http://grotesque-inc.tumblr.com/post/57438356287/i-couldnt-help-myself-her-cosplay-photos
> 
>  
> 
> And finally a huge thank-you to all of you for reading and supporting this!!!


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A brief foray into Thanos' nefarious world and more from Loki's past...along with a look to the future...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading, I can't believe this nearly has 10,000 hits *ded*
> 
> I've started a Tumblr if you want to ask any questions and intend to start putting up little previews for upcoming chapters ^^ I will of course also post any cosplays or fan art! You can find that here VVVVVV
> 
> http://2odinsons.tumblr.com/
> 
> Speaking of which, check out this awesome Escort!Loki set!
> 
> http://2odinsons.tumblr.com/post/60872655812/mamajayscosplays-escort-loki-preview-okay

_ _

_There is so much blood, too much...the pain is unbearable, he feels as though he is being ripped apart, torn open. He screams as another stab of agony hits him, clutching at his belly. He cries out for his father; pleading, begging him to make it stop. His vision is blurred with tears and his body wracked with sobs between the waves of searing pain. Another comes and he grits his teeth; they are coming faster and stronger - he fears he will pass out soon...Through bleary eyes, he sees the door open, and sobs in relief as a large cool hand is placed gently on his forehead._

_'F-Father! Help..help me!'_

_He feels himself lifted and laid on his bed, his father's piercing ice-blue eyes never leaving his; strong hands moving over his swollen belly as another cry is torn from his already raw throat._

_'Shh...hush now...' his father's voice is comforting despite the pain, despite the fear. He feels his legs being eased apart, the nightshirt pulled up to expose him. A cool soothing hand on his belly once again and now one between his legs. He whimpers, tears streaming down his face, as his father looks up, uttering one heart-stopping word._

_'Push.'_

  


A loud knocking startles Loki from his memories; suddenly he is back in the bathroom of his little apartment, leaning against the sink, eyeliner in one hand, trembling.

'WHAT??!!'

He doesn't even know why he shouts. He takes a shuddering breath and looks to his reflection, finishing his half-done kohl.

'Are you okay, baby? You've been in there for ages.' Thor's voice is muffled somewhat by the door, but full of concern.

Loki sighs, capping the pencil and shoving it back in his ratty make-up bag.

'I'm fine.' Loki calls back. 'I'm fine...just coming.' He stares at himself critically for another moment before bustling out, past Thor and straight to the bedroom.

'Tash was busy, thanks for this.' he rattles off, slipping his heels on and straightening out his top before pulling out an arrangement of leather straps and slipping it over one shoulder.

Thor watches him, leaning in the doorway.

'Any time, you know I think they're great.' He's clearly holding something back. Loki buckles the harness and rolls his eyes.

'BUT?!'

'But nothing, I love spending time with them...'

'Thor!' He hasn't got time for this, not now. He faces Thor, glowering, the asymmetrical bondage harness adding to his no-nonsense stance.

'Do you have to go?'

Loki groans and grabs his jacket.

'No, Thor, I do it for fun - I LOVE getting fucked by strangers to pay for food and rent, nothing better!' he spits bitterly as he shoves past, into the living room, searching for his bag. 'You know damn well I have to, don't you dare pretend otherwise.'

'I could...'

'NO, THOR.' He cuts him off sharply, shouldering his bag and opening the door. 'Whatever you think you can do, you can't. You always think things are simple and they're not, Thor, they're just _not_.' He swallows and softens a little, seeing Thor's face fall. 'I know you mean well baby...' he bites at his lower lip, unable to bring himself to apologise. 'I have to go.' He slips out, pulling the door closed behind him. He sighs deeply and lights a cigarette before heading don the stairs. He hates it when Thor does this. He seems to think that there is a way out for him, that he could get clean and start over with the boys somewhere new. But it's just a stupid dream. The thing that he hates most about it all is that deep down he aches for it to be true.

  


He walks briskly to Thanos' club - it's just a couple of blocks away - dragging in deep lungfuls of burning smoke and exhaling in great plumes through his nose, brows still knotted together in fury. He has to get his mind back in the game. He grinds the cigarette butt into the sidewalk and strides inside, holding his head high.

The club is lit with a low amber glow, the smell of stale smoke and incence lies heavy in the air. A few familiar faces are already nursing drinks at the bar as Vic habitually wipes it down, glancing up to give Loki a surly nod as he passes. Loki smiles but shudders internally and keeps walking. He knows it pays to stay on the right side of men like Vic; any of Thanos' heavies really. Of course men like Vic seem nice enough until they're trying to shove their fist up your arse. He makes for the back, for the 'VIP' area – Thanos always oversees that room through a two way mirror – and sweeps back a curtain to knock at Thanos' comcealed door. Everything looks so plush at first glance, he thinks; velvet, satin, gilded fixtures...but up close it's all battered and soiled. _Just like me and everyone else who works here_.

After a moment, the door clicks open and he sweeps in, head high, a smile on his lips.

'Hello princess.' Thanos' voice is a gravelly rumble, his face a map of scars, his hands like shovels.

Loki goes straight to him and slinks into his lap, toying with his tie.

'You know I don't like it when you call me that' he pouts. Thanos gives him what passes for a smile.

'Yeah but you're cute when you're mad' Thanos rumbles. Loki feigns distaste and pushes his chest playfully before leaning in and kissing the scarred lips.

'You are terrible, baby.' Thanos grins and squeezes his ass. Every night, it's pretty much the same – a ritual of sorts. Loki needs it, needs to believe he still cares. He remembers not so long ago, when he was expecting Fen, how well Thanos looked after him. He reduced the number of clients he had to take, charged them more for the privelege, even stepped in if he thought they were getting out of hand. Thanos protected him, protected Fen. And once Fen was born, well. He got time off, of course, but it went further than that. Thanos would stop by almost every week to see them, he'd paid for the formula and nappies... he was good to them.

Loki smiles and kisses him again, he's a good man, really.

'So anything special on tonight baby, or just the usual?' he purrs, tracing a long scar on Thanos' jaw with a delicate finger. Massive, rough hands run over his thigh.

'Nothing special. Just your regular beat, gorgeous.'

'Baby?'

'Hmm?'

'Do you think we might take the boys somewhere nice again this year?' Loki gives Thanos his best puppy eyes.

'Mmmh' Thanos shifts and scoots Loki off his lap. 'Yeah, yeah...maybe...we'll see. Best get out there princess, we'll talk later.' He busies himself with some papers on his desk, not even looking at Loki as he stalks out, heart sinking.

As he makes his way back through the dingy club and out into the evening air, he maintains perfect poise and his face is composed in a carefully honed mix of allure and disdain. Inside though, he feels a crushing weight in his chest. He lights another smoke and takes up his customary spot under a street-light, turning up his collar against a light drizzle. _Great. Cold and wet. Again._ He shivers and pulls his jacket closer about him. He drags on the cigarette and lets his mind drift to last summer; back to the wonderful day when Thanos surprised him entirely. A day he still clings to as proof that he cares.

_It's early and already hot; Loki has just finished sterilising bottles after Fen's latest feed – at five months old he still has trouble with his stomach, so Loki has to feed him little and often. A knock comes at the door and he frowns, not expecting anyone. He opens it to find Thanos there, smiling..._

It had been like a dream. Thanos had arranged everything for them. Just showed up and swept them off for a day at Disneyland. Of course Fen was too young to remember anything really, but he loved all the bright colours and happy tunes. Sleipnir was agog the whole time, eyes wide with wonder at it all. He and Thanos had a good time too – and Loki made sure Thanos knew how grateful he was. He gave probably the best head of his life in the car on the way there and by the end, he just had to drag Thanos into the nearest rest-room and let him fuck him then and there; Sleipnir watching over his baby brother outside on a bench, working his way through an enormous ice cream cone.

The cigarette has burnt down to the filter and Loki tosses it to the asphalt, pushing away from the lamp post as a car slows to a stop. He fights down the urge to run, back to the warmth of the flat, to Thor's comforting embrace. If only he could just give in, let Thor run with whatever wild scheme he thinks will be his salvation. But how can he? He owes Thanos so much; the flat, so much money...what with the TC and all... and how could he take Fen away when it was Thanos who was most likely his father?

He puts on his best bedroom eyes and leans down to the open car window,

'Hello gorgeous, looking for a little fun?'

  


  


Thor is nodding off on the sofa when he hears the latch. He rubs his eyes and yawns as the door opens behind him.

'Hey baby...you must be shattered.' He turns and freezes in horror. Loki is a mess. His lip is split and bleeding, his jacket torn. His face is streaked with black tear tracks and he is shaking badly.

'Oh my god...' Thor rushes to him, trying to support him, but at first he flinches. He opens his mouth to say something, but nothing comes out and tears well in his eyes, slipping silently down his face. Thor gathers him carefully into his arms and he can feel Loki clutch handfuls of his t-shirt, hiding his face against his chest, still trembling.

'Loki...oh god....what did they do to you?....' The only reply from Loki is a broken keening sound, almost lost in the bunched material of his shirt. Loki's knees sag and Thor quickly tightens his hold, stopping him from falling – but eliciting a wail of pain. He carefully changes his hold and lifts Loki, carrying him to the sofa and laying him gently among the cushions. He strokes stray strands of his long, jet hair back from his face and can see that one eye is bruised and swelling too.

'Oh baby...' Loki just seems to look past him, not meeting his eyes, tears still tracing silent paths over his cheeks. Thor goes to fetch a make-shift cold compress - frozen peas in a tea towel – and tentatively applies it to Loki's cheekbone where the swelling is worst.

'Th..they...' Loki's voice is hoarse and breathy. 'Thor...they...' he shakes his head, lips pressed into a thin line and brow furling, unable to continue.

'Shhh...I've got you baby...you're safe now' Thor murmurs softly, stroking his uninjured cheek tenderly. Inside, he is a mass of pure rage – if he ever found who did this, he would do the same to them, _if_ they were lucky. Now though, he tends to his battered beloved, unbuckles the leather strap about his chest, unbuttons his shirt to check for further damage. Angry purple bruises are already blossoming over Loki's ribs and he grabs Thor's wrist as he goes to undo his pants. His eyes are scared, pleading – as if he doesn't want Thor to see. Thor tenses and his pulse quickens, more anxious than ever now. He gently pries Loki's fingers from his wrist and continues, carefully, easing his pants down. Things look raw and red, but … he notices then, blood dried and crusting on the inside of Loki's thighs and his breath hitches. Very carefully, he turns Loki, rolling him onto his side.

'Oh Jesus...' his voice is a whisper and Loki is visibly shaking. Loki's buttocks are covered in patches of burnt and blistering skin, many still weeping and it is clear from the blood between his cheeks that he has suffered bad tearing at the very least. Thor swallows hard and curses under his breath. He strokes Loki's hair and kisses his temple as he gathers supplies to tend his wounds as best he can. Loki though, seems distant, detached as Thor works... _perhaps that's for the best_ , he thinks as he gradually cleans the blood away.

_It was his fault. He didn't work right. He let the baby come too early; that's why it died. He lies on his side, clutching at his pillow as his father sutures his injury. Even though it was big enough to tear him, it wasn't strong enough to live. Just wasn't ready. It was his fault. He deserved to get hurt by it. Father was too kind, fixing him like this, after he failed so terribly. He would do better next time. He would take good care and do whatever father told him. He missed being in school sometimes, the people he used to know, but that doesn't matter any more. Since mother died, this is his duty, his purpose. To take her place. To be a good son, a good mother, to help his father, to please him. He so desperately wants to please him. He'll do better next time._

  


  


Loki barely talks or gets out of bed over the next couple of days. He hardly eats, despite Thor's best efforts and takes only as much TC as he needs to stave off the shakes. Thor takes time out from the shop to look after him, and Loki doesn't argue. He dresses his wounds regularly and tends to the boys, taking them through to see their mother as often as he dares. People call Loki's cell from the club, wanting to know where he is and Thor fends them off, explaining he's injured and needs to recover. On the third day, Thanos himself calls, demanding an explanation. Loki insists on speaking to him and though Thor hears only one side of the conversation, it's clear to him that Thanos cares only about his money. Loki is in tears again when he hangs up, though he tries to hide it from Thor.

'You're not going back.' He sits on the bed, taking the phone from Loki and putting it aside. 'Not now, not after this.'

'I've had worse' Loki mutters.

'That's not the point.'

After a few moments, Loki speaks again, in hushed tones.

'I can't leave Thor. You know I can't.'

'You can. I can get you out, I can...'

'Thanos owns me, don't you get it? He _owns_ me...'

'Nobody owns you, Loki!'

Loki's voice is high and tremulous now.

'He _does_! I owe him so much! I owe him everything, Thor! And...and Fen...'

Thor blinks, taking it in.

'Thanos is Fen's father?'

Loki nods, fiddling with the sheets.

'...I think so.'

Thor quiets, thinking.

'How much do you owe him?' he asks after a moment.

' _Everything_ Thor, I told you! ' Loki sounds tired and exasperated.

'No..I mean...if you could guess, how much do you owe him in terms of money?'

Loki sighs deeply.

'Too much, Thor. ' he shakes his head 'fifteen...maybe twenty thousand by now, with the interest.'

Thor nods.

'Okay.'

Loki frowns.

'What do you mean “okay”? How the hell is it okay?!'

Thor looks him in the eye.

'I want to talk to him. In person.'

Loki pales and shakes his head

'No no no! Thor, he doesn't know you! He'll _kill_ you!'

'Even if I give him the twenty grand?'

'YES.'

'I'm not letting you go back out there.' The set of Thor's face is so determined, Loki can see there is going to be no swaying him. He has to do something though, or Thor will get himself killed.

'I can hold my own you know, I can get back-up.'

'Thor, no....' Loki props himself up on his elbow, wincing. 'Let me talk to him. He...he's a reasonable man underneath it all...he'll listen to me...' Loki hopes against hope that is true, because otherwise ….

'Alright....' Thor nods in agreement. 'But you're not going alone.'

'What? Thor! Just....can't you just wait outside? It'll just rub him up the wrong way if you're there.'

Thor huffs and rubs his neck.

'….. Fine. I'll be right outside... and I'll have the guys ready to weigh in if there looks like trouble.'

Loki's face turns from worry to confusion.

'The guys? What guys? What are you talking about?'

Thor smiles slyly

'Huh, finally something _you_ don't know about _me_ , for once!' Loki glares and Thor concedes 'Come on Loki, you've seen my jacket how many times? You didn't think it was some kind of fashion statement, did you?' Loki's eyes widen. He knows the leather jacket well, he just never thought...

'But...you're in a _gang_?!!!'

Thor chuckles at that.

'Well I suppose you could call it that, but we prefer to refer to ourselves as a club or even a family really. The Valkyries generally aim to improve public opinion when it comes to bikers. Have done for years.' He smiles.

' _You_ are in a _gang_?!' Loki still sounds disbelieving. The words 'Thor' and 'gang' just won't co-exist in the same sentence in his head.

'I'm the V.P. actually. Dad was one of the co-founders.'

Loki shakes his head, blinking.

'You are insane.' there's no venom behind the words though. He settles back down on the pillows, wondering what the hell he just agreed to. Thor smiles and kisses his cheek.

'It's going to be okay, baby. I promise.' Loki nods vaguely and Thor leaves him to try and sleep some more, going back through to the boys. He can hear them, speaking softly at first, Sleipnir asking Thor if they can visit him again soon. His stomach twists and he feels like he might cry again. He loves them so very much, they are more precious to him than life itself – but he is terrified that something will go wrong. Something always goes wrong. If anything happened to them... He can't bear to think of it and buries his face in the pillow, trying to picture that better life, a better place; free of all this, free from hurt and danger... he cannot. Thor may have the Valkyries at his back, but Loki has no idea if they have the kind of power it would take to overcome Thanos. How many of them are there? Are they armed? Sure, they might have guns – but Thanos is dangerous and above all clever...and he knows people. He knows their weaknesses, knows just how to break you. Then, of course, there's his strong ties with the Chitauri... Thor might have his gang, but the Chitauri … they are _Mafia_. What about the boys? Could Thor guarantee they'd be safe while all this goes down? And even if it works, even if by some miracle Thor pulls it off and they all get out alive, what then? Thanos would come after him, or at least send people after him...

A high-pitched burst of giggling erupts from the next room – Fen – and Loki can't help but smile. It would be so good...he lets himself just lie and listen to Thor playing with the children, savouring the sounds of Thor's warm, deep voice so full of love; Sleipnir's excited babbling about the pirate adventure they are apparently on; Fen's sweet nonsensical baby-talk cutting over them now and then. Thor is so good with them, he'd be such a good Dad...

And just like that, Loki feels his resolve harden. He has done everything he can to keep them safe and happy and he will damn well do this, too. He has to give them the best chance he can, and this...this is it. The chance of having a real family, the chance to just be children – especially for Sleipnir... Loki feels so ashamed of all that he's had to deal with so young, he feels like a terrible mother, but perhaps if he can do this for them...

He thinks of all the thing has endured, all the sacrifices he's made already – and really, could he even survive the rest of his life this way? He eases himself upright slowly, swinging his legs off the bed, gritting his teeth. He wants this. He wants it for them. He has to try. Loki rises stiffly on shaky legs and moves toward the door. He pushes it open, quietly and smiles at the sight of his boys engrossed in play for a moment, before Sleipnir spots him.

'MOMMY!!!!!' The little boy runs to him, wrapping his arms tightly about his thin legs.

'Hello baby!' Loki strokes his hair. Sleipnir looks up, face troubled.

'Are you all better now?'

Loki comes carefully down to his level, hugging him tight.

'Yes baby.' He smiles fondly at Thor, over Sleipnir's shoulder. 'Everything's going to be alright.'

  



	7. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki confronts Thanos. 
> 
> And that's all I'm saying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The segments in italics are flashbacks to Loki's past.
> 
> Thank you all for your continued support and lovely comments!

'You can do this.' Thor tucks a stray strand of hair back behind Loki's ear as he takes a deep, nervous drag on his cigarette. Loki nods, exhaling, but his eyes are full of trepidation and he can't stay still. He's been trying to get up the courage to face Thanos for days now - he's running out of time, and he knows it. If he doesn't do this now, Thanos will come to him - and that would be so much worse. He glances anxiously about, the familiar back-street now seeming foreboding, feeling as though he is being watched from behind every window.

'I'm going to be right here, and the others are ready pile in if there's trouble.' Thor's voice is calm, he makes it sound so easy. 'You've got the money, he can't hold that over you - if he threatens you, you shout and I'll be there okay?' He means it, means every word, Loki knows - but Thanos... He takes a deep breath and thinks of his boys.

'Sleipi and Fen are safe with Tash, I've got a couple of guys keeping an eye on her place just in case.' Thor seems to read his thoughts sometimes and he doesn't know if that scares him or reassures him. He nods again, taking a last drag and stamping the butt into the ground.

'Thor...if something happens..' Thor cuts him off, pressing a finger to his lips and shaking his head.

'Don't even think it. I won't let anything happen to you.' His eyes seem even more intensely sapphire in the low light of the fading afternoon, and Loki wishes he could just lose himself in their liquid beauty, forget everything else. But he has to do this. He has to try. For the boys.

'Alright.' Loki squares his shoulders, bracing himself. 'I can do this.' He softens a little and touches Thor's face, softly. 'Thank you.' Loki presses his lips to Thor's almost reverently, his eyes sad. In little more than a whisper he speaks again, still so close that his lips almost brush Thors, '...if I could ever love anyone...it would be you.' And quickly he is gone, striding away determinedly, before Thor can respond.

As he crosses, he bites his lip, telling himself that he only said it for Thor's benefit, in case anything happens - that he might be remembered fondly. But deep down, he feels it; that seed of truth that he doesn't want to acknowledge. He doesn't think it's love he feels for Thor...he doesn't really know what that feels like...but it's not nothing, either.

He reaches the door and goes in, without even a backwards glance. He has to be strong. Thanos is idly smoking a cigar at one of the tables, surrounded by at least six of his men - some he recognises, others he has never seen before. All of them share an air of hostility that is all too familiar. It is an informal meeting of some sort, it seems, each set of gnarly hands nursing a drink and a cigarillo. They all stop talking when Loki appears though, eyeing him with suspicion - this is _not_ the sort of job you show up early for if you can help it. Thanos takes a sip of his whiskey and gives Loki a long, curious stare.

'I'm sorry baby, I didn't know you had business this afternoon..' Loki splutters, his nerves getting the better of him for a moment.

'You're early, princess...to what do we owe this pleasure?' Thanos rumbles, eyes narrowing. Loki falters under his cold gaze but tries to hold onto why he's doing this. He forces a bright smile.

'Good news, baby! I have all the money I owe you!'

Thanos' face folds into a frown and he leans forward, elbows on the table, fingers steepled together.

'What are you talking about?' His men shift to get a better look at Loki.

'The...everything I owe you...I have it...here...' Loki fumbles a wad of notes from his bag and tosses it to Thanos. His pulse is racing, as he watches Thanos make a quick count, thumbing through the notes with a mix of suspicion and disbelief - checking for forgeries no doubt and wondering where Loki has aquired such sudden wealth.

'And?' Thanos slaps the money down on the grimy table.

'You've been so good to me, baby and....and the boys...and I wanted to thank you before I ...left...' Loki can't stop his voice shaking.

Thanos raises his eyebrows and leans back in his chair, cocking his head to one side.

'Gentlemen...a little privacy, if you would.' Thanos gestures dismissively, eyes never leaving Loki's, and his associates retire to the back room, cursing and mutteling, casting viscious looks at Loki as they retreat. Once they have left, Thanos beckons Loki over, patting his lap. He looks thoughtful, not angry as Loki had feared; so he goes to him with little hesitation. Thanos hooks one arm around his waist and starts to toy with Loki's hair, his eyes wandering over his neck and collarbones. Loki relaxes a little and gives him a small smile, stroking a hand over his massve chest. 'Now then...' Thanos rumbles 'What's all this about leaving?'

Loki sighs. 'I...you know I appreciate everything you've done for me, baby – you know that, right?' Thanos nods, watching him carefully. 'I ... I just want to give it a go. On my own. Get a regular job, be a proper mom.' His eyes are downcast and he even feels guilty at the prospect of leaving Thanos after all this time.

'You support them just fine, princess – better than I thought judging by this..' He gestures to the money on the table and then traces a calloused finger along Loki's jaw and over his neck. 'How exactly did you come up with all that?' There is a slight edge in his voice now and Loki's pulse quickens.

'It just....I've been saving it...' Thanos' grip tightens about his waist and he wraps a rough hand around Loki's throat – not squeezing, but caressing, with the promise of danger in every movement of his fingers.

'So you've been keeping money back from me, is that right?' Thanos rasps, close to Loki's ear.

'N-no baby! I...not at all...' Loki is starting to panic again, his voice becoming higher and pleading,'..please baby....I got you it, isn't that what matters?!'

'Oh now Loki...you know I don't like being lied to...' Thanos' large fingers tighten about his throat – just enough pressure to let him know he's willing to use more. 'So I'll ask you again...where did you get it?'

Loki swallows hard, shaking a little.

'Please baby...don't be mad...it was just s-someone being nice, a friend...'

The grip tightens further and Thanos snarls 'whores don't have friends, sweetheart. Someone trying to buy you out more like.'

'Baby please...you're hurting me...' Loki whimpers, tears welling in his eyes, despite himself.

'You are _mine_ , you understand? You think I would just let you walk away? I have to protect my assets, _princess_.' He hisses the last word, squeezing to the point where Loki is struggling for air. He claws desperatley at Thanos' vice-like grip, gaping, his eyes rolling as Thanos watches, an intense pleasure in his dark eyes. Just when he thinks he will pass out, Loki finds himself flung roughly to the floor, Thanos calling his men back to him.

'Seems you need a little reminder of how things work around here.' The thugs crowd about him, at a nod from Thanos, and take him roughly by his arms.

'Baby...please...y-you said you cared...and...F-Fen...' Loki pleads, his voice high and tremulous.

Thanos strides to him, looking appalled, and squeezes his jaw hard until Loki fears he'll wrench it from its sockets. Thanos bends close, his breath hot and foul on Loki's face, spittle flecking his cheek when he rasps 'My property, same as you. Call it an _investment_. ' He grins wickedly. 'They'll _both_ make me a nice profit in a few years, just like the freak that spawned them.'

'NO!!! DON'T YOU TOUCH THEM!!! YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!! I'LL KILL YOU, _I'LL KILL YOU!!!!_ ' Loki's eyes are wide with horror and he feels a rage greater than he's ever known, roiling within him. He lashes out against the men that hold him any way he can, screaming, kicking out, biting at them like a cornered animal. Thanos strikes him hard across the face with the back of a heavily-ringed hand. Loki's vision swims and he tastes blood, he can feel hot tears welling in his eyes as he yells, hoarse, 'Not my babies! I'll fucking KILL YOU!!' he spits blood, his anger still over-riding his fear.

Thanos rounds on him again, spitting in his face 'I can just see it now, nice sweet young boys, just _bred_ to be fucked - oh yeah, that'll be a big hit.'

Loki screams out at the top of his lungs, thrashing wildly against his captors, who merely laugh and twist his arms to the verge of snapping bone.

'Stop up his whining mouth boys. He needs a lesson in humility.' Thanos gestures dismissively and more brutes crowd in on Loki, jeering as he's shoved face first against the filthy floor. He can feel rough hands ripping at his clothes, exposing him and he tries to cry out again, but someone yanks at his hair, and he finds his mouth forced onto an eager cock, huge and rank. He tries to bite down and the thug yelps in pain, wrenching his head back by the hair and delivering another savage blow that has Loki reeling. Once more a big hand strikes him and now it is all he can do to try not to choke as he's forced down again. He can't even cry out when he's breached from behind, the pain blindingly intense. He can feel himself drifting, the world dimming, he knows he's going to pass out. As his vision dims, he is aware of shouting, heavy boots... gunfire... then only soft, welcoming oblivion.

  


_It's dark. He likes the darkness. He used to be afraid of it, but now it seems comforting; an old friend, soft and gentle, so much more welcome than the harsh, garish light of day. He shifts in his bed, restless, as is the child within him. He strokes his hands over his swollen belly, trying to soothe it, but it only serves to provoke retaliatory squirming and kicking. Things are better, this time. He has grown accustomed to the strangeness of the movement inside him; even fond of it at times, as it reassures him that all is well and the child is strong._ This time it will be different, _he tells himself;_ this time there may be the blood and the agony, but I will have a beautiful baby when it's done _. Unable to sleep, he sighs and eases himself upright. He is almost at six months, and it is getting harder to move around, even to dress himself; everything is so awkward when you can barely bend forward at all. He shuffles his feet into his slippers and ties his robe loosely, knotting the cord above his burgeoning bump; it will not close but hangs open, framing his belly. He sighs again and makes his way down the corridor, down the stairs, hoping that perhaps a wander and maybe a light snack might ease them both toward sleep._

_The child seems to settle somewhat as he walks, and he smiles to himself, opening the fridge and looking for anything palatable. A particularly savage kick seems to indicate that his child does not appreciate the radiating cold. He settles on some milk and closes the door. For some reason, he finds his eyes drawn to the cellar door and he hesitates. It is usually closed and locked but now, it stands ajar, tempting, beckoning. He sets the milk down and strokes his belly when another bout of wriggling starts up. He knows he shouldn't go down there; it's father's private place, his science place, for his work. Yet still he finds himself walking toward it, reaching out, pulling it open further. His pulse is racing, his mind yelling at him that he should not do this, but he is drawn on, down the wooden stairs, flicking the light on._

_It looks stark and immaculate; stainless steel shelving and white paint, a neat desk and filing cabinet, a chest freezer... He moves further into the room, wondering at the purpose of all the strange and shining objects, laid neatly out as if ready for use. He glimpses large jars on a far shelf; samples, he supposes, and pads softly over to get a better look. At first glance, one could be mistaken for some kind of half-formed lizard; but it is the other occupants, suspended in their formaldehyde tombs that show the truth. There are three in all. Loki can feel a painful lump in his throat and hot tears trailing down his cheeks as he reaches trembling fingers to the glass. They are so small...so very small...his children...his failures made flesh..._

_A heavy hand on his shoulder sends a shock down his spine and he yelps in fear, knowing it is his father, knowing he will be angry..._

_'You should not have come here, Loki.'_

  


'Loki...Loki?' Someone is calling him, he knows the voice but cannot place it. He's so tired, can't they just let him sleep?

'Loki? Are you awake? Can you hear me?' _Apparently not_ , he thinks as the voice comes again, clearer this time. He tries to move, to open his eyes, but it's a struggle. Everything feels wrong, heavy and sore...then he remembers; his eyes snapping open, wild and full of fear.

'S-Sleipi...F-Fen...' His mouth feels slow and his voice comes as a hoarse rasp, making him cough violently. Large, warm hands are suddenly on him, helping him to sit up a little, a glass of cool water is pressed gently to his lips.

'Shh...the boys are safe...you're safe now ...' The voice is as warm as the hands.

'T-Thor?' he tries to focus, blinking.

'It's me baby...it's okay...you're safe, the boys are safe. Everything's going to be okay.' Thor rumbles, pressing a kiss to his temple. As his vision clears, Loki can see that he looks tired and somewhat scruffier than usual.

'You came for me.' He croaks, suddenly finding himself fighting back tears. 'You r-really came..' he dissolves into another painful fit of coughing and Thor gives him sips of water again, murmuring softly to him and supporting his head.

'Th-Thanos...'

'Is not a problem any more.' Thor cuts him off, abruptly. 'I promise.'

Loki frowns, but nods, thinking.

'He'll come after us.'

'No. He won't. He can't hurt you any more. He can't hurt anyone any more.'

Loki blinks, scanning Thor's face. 'Is...he dead?'

Thor closes his eyes and nods, almost remorsefully.

'That wasn't the plan, baby, I swear. But yes. He's gone.'

It doesn't feel real. Thanos can't just be gone – he's...enormous, invincible... _human_ , Loki reminds himself. Thor seems to think the news has upset him.

'It was an accident, I swear. We only brought the guns as protection, as a warning. There's this new kid, a Prospect, you know? He's 19, supposed to be being patched in soon, but he panicked. I never meant for anyone to die, not if it could be helped.'

Thor's words seem distant as Loki's mind races, trying to process it all. He fingers the clean, crisp sheets and takes in his surroundings. It's cluttered but not excessively untidy; simply furnished as if purely out of practicality, occasional items of clothing discarded here and there, and neutral colours in all the decor. Smiling faces of what he assumes are family members grin from assorted frames on a plain wooden chest of drawers. It's all very...simple,safe. Very Thor. He relaxes a little. Thor's place is familiar at least.

'The boys...they're here, too?'

Thor smiles warmly. 'Sleeping in the guest room. Tash had no bother, I just wanted to have you all here, to keep and eye on you.'

'Thank you,' Loki manages a small smile in return. 'for everything.'

Shaking his head, Thor leans in and kisses him softly, careful of his painful split lip.

'You don't need to thank me.' His bright blue eyes sparkle in the low light. 'We can go get your stuff when you've recovered a bit, okay?'

Loki nods, feeling suddenly very tired.

'You should try and sleep as much as you can. I'll be right here.' He gently strokes Loki's hair, humming softly. Soon his eyes are drifting closed again and Thor stays at his side, until his breathing has settled into the soft rhythm of sleep.

Quietly, Thor rises and goes to look in on Sleipnir ans Fen. They are still fast asleep, sharing the single bed that graces Thor's small guest room. It seems that Sleipnir has grown too warm at some point, the gingham bedding kicked back and half his little body poking out, one leg flung over the edge of the bed. Thor can't help smiling to himself as he tucks the boy back into bed, pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead, and to his little brother's too. Fen scrunches up his face in his sleep and almost punches Thor in the nose with a pudgy fist. Barely able to keep from laughing, Thor slips away, leaving the door ajar and goes to get himself a drink. He's exhausted, but the events of the last few hours keep replaying themselves in his head. He checks and double checks the door, keeps twitching the curtains back, looking out for any sign of trouble as he takes long swallows of his bourbon.

Eventually, his mind calms somewhat and he feels able to rest, slipping quietly into bed beside Loki, careful not to wake him. He is asleep within minutes, lulled by the sound of his lover's steady breathing.

  


  


_There is a smell that is unfamiliar, amongst the disinfectant and formaldehyde. It is sharp and scratches at his throat, making him want to cough. The chair he is strapped into is hard and uncomfortable, but he knows it's necessary. Father never does anything without purpose. He flexes his fingers, trying to stave off the prickle of pins and needles,wincing at the pinch of the tight leather straps at his wrists. He has been taken back to the site of his transgression, in order to ensure the punishment is driven home; the jars containing what remains of his children within his field of vision. There is a hissing, spitting sound and his father returns to him bearing the source of that strange smell. Loki's eyes widen, seeing the red hot metal tongs clasped in his father's gloved hand._

_'D-Daddy, please...' he feels so small and worthless before this stern giant of a man._

_'You know this is for your own good, Loki. You must learn.' His face is grim as he approaches, his cold grey eyes almost pitying as he presses the scorching metal to Loki's forearm. Loki screams in pain, his instinct to pull away stymied by his bindings. An angry red burn is etched into his skin and he can feel tears stinging his eyes as he pleads._

_'Please...I have learned father! Please!' Another cry is torn from his throat as his father presses the tongs to the inside of his thigh. He can hear his skin hiss against the metal, smell his own skin searing like so much meat. In desperation he chokes, sobbing,_

_'Father...no more...please...the child...' In response he recieves another vicious burn, this time on his upper arm. His throat is so raw that only pathetic squeaks emerge when he tries to cry out._

_'Don't you DARE speak like that! You think I WANT to do this? That I wish to endanger my own progeny?' There are tears in his fathers icy eyes. 'I have tried so long...' His face grows sorrowful and he strokes the bulge of Loki's stomach with great tenderness, 'and I had hoped...perhaps this time.' His face grows stern again, '...but now this; now you force me to punish you.'_

_His father leans close to his ear. 'If the child dies it will be on your own head. We will continue until you bear me a healthy heir; if the price of that is your life, do not think I will hesitate. I will be remembered, Loki. It is for the greater good, you know this. Science must be advanced at any cost.'_

_'Y-yes father' Loki whimpers, barely audible._

_His father's eyes take on a glazed look that is all too familiar and he runs a large strong hand firmly over Loki's taught belly._

_'You will bear me heirs that will be the dawn of a new age for mankind – and the name of Dr Laufey Nal will be etched deep in the annals of history.'_

_A stab of pain rips through him – a pain that he knows and fears more than anything. He flinches and his father's head snaps up, locking eyes with him. He knows. Somehow, his father knows and his face contorts into a snarl._

_'You fail me once again.' He hisses, casting aside the cooling tongs and finally loosing Loki roughly from his bonds._

_'I'm sorry' Loki sobs dryly, alternately rubbing at his wrists and clutching at his belly. 'I'm sorry!'_

_He looks up to find Laufey mounting the stairs up from the cellar._

_'Father...please! Help me!'_

_Laufey turns at the door, his face an expressionless mask._

_'No, Loki.'_

_The door slams shut and he hears the locks being slid into place as another contraction shoots through him._

  


He wakes in a cold sweat, panting and clutching at his flat stomach. From the rush of footsteps he realises he must have cried out, too, as Thor bursts into the room looking frantic.

'Loki?! Loki are you alright?!' Thor is quickly beside him, stroking his hair and taking his hands.

'I...Thor...I...yes....yes I'm okay...' Loki takes a few deep breaths; he is still shaking. 'Just... just a dream.'

Thor folds him into his arms, softly caressing his back. 'It's okay baby....it's okay...' He cradles Loki against him, murmuring to him until the shaking subsides somewhat. 'Now...how about a little something to eat, hmm?' He keeps his voice low and soothing, 'And after that we can go over and pick up anything you want from the flat. Tash is coming over to mind the boys.' Loki heaves a sigh and nods against Thor's chest, pushing away a little.

'Give me a minute...is my stuff...?'

'In the bathroom, on top of the cabinet. I just put it out of reach of small and grabby hands.' Thor knows that this is not the time to try and wean Loki off the drug, but soon he hopes, soon. He goes on through to wake and dress the boys, and make a little breakfast. He's not the most proficient cook, but he manages to whip up some reasonably successful pancakes by the time Loki emerges, looking somewhat brighter.

'Look at you! All dressed and ready for the day!' He sweeps over to lavish kisses on Sleipnir and Fen.

'Moooooommm!!!' Sleipnir is clearly not in the mood, wiping exaggeratedly at his cheek. Fen meanwhile gives Loki a very wet kiss in return, while pressing a soggy piece of pancake to his mouth.

'For me? Thank you baby!' Loki beams and accepts the damp gift, surreptitiously disposing of it and drying his cheek as he turns to get coffee.

  


  


'What about this?' Thor holds up a tatty looking stuffed animal that looks like the result of an unfortunate pairing between some sort of dinosaur and a moose. Loki grabs it from him with fierce possessiveness.

'Mr Snuffles! Yes of _course_ I'm keeping him, oaf!' He hugs the strange toy to his chest and softens a little, seeing Thor's shocked expression. 'Sorry baby...my...my mom made him for me.' Thor nods, sympathetically. Loki has never mentioned his mother before and from his reaction it's clear that she was very dear to him.

The morning has been difficult, sorting through Loki's possessions. There have been some things he has wanted to leave behind without question, perhaps because they are too tied to his former life working for Thanos. Others he has instantly known he needs to take with him – Mr Snuffles being one such item. Still more though, are the things he feels torn between wanting to forget and wanting to cherish. More than once, Thor has found him hunched somewhere in the flat clutching something seemingly innocuous – a ticket for Disneyland, for example – and almost at the point of tears.

Now, though, it is past noon and they are finally nearly done. There isn't all that much to take, Thor realises looking around. A suitcase and a couple of boxes seems so little to represent the lives of three people. Loki is sitting on the old couch, his old toy tucked under one arm, leafing through a photo album that Thor hasn't seen before.

'Where was that hiding?' He asks, settling next to him and peering over his shoulder.

'...under the mattress.' Loki sounds small and subdued. Thor hooks an arm around him, in an attempt to console him.

'Is that you?' He points to a picture of a young boy with blond curls, holding the hand of a woman who is just out of frame.

'...yes...a-and my mother.' Loki traces her arm in the picture lovingly. 'that was a long time ago.'

'You look so different.'

Loki nods, sadly. 'After she died...Dad ...he made me grow my hair, dye it to be like hers was.' He indicates a blurred picture below it. 'You can't really see her there...she hated having her picture taken.' Loki moves to the next set of pictures. There are two young boys of about five or six, playing in the spray of a garden sprinkler. Thor identifies one of them as a young Loki.

'Who's the other boy? Your best friend?'

'I...I guess...I can't really remember...' Loki replies in a hushed voice. 'That's him again.' he points to another photo, this time inside somewhere, at what looks like a very civilised birthday party. He can only see half of the back of the other boy's head, but Loki seems certain. 'I can't even remember his name.'

He turns another page. Thor glimpses a portrait style picture of a middle aged man with a gaunt, angular face and hair greying at the temples before Loki snaps the album closed abruptly.

'Thanos liked it dark but preferred it straight and that's how it's been ever since.' His voice has an edge to it now.

'That last picture...that was him, wasn't it? Your father.'

'Thor, don't. Please.' He rubs at his eyes tiredly and rises, dropping the album and the toy in one of the boxes. 'Just don't. I want to get away from all that...all _this_...' he motions around the flat. 'I want to start again. With you.' Thor has never heard him be so open before, so willing to try, to look to the future.

He goes to Loki and draws him into a deep kiss.

'Then let's go start over. Things will be better now, I promise.'

Loki looks up to him and nods, eyes at once sad and hopeful.

'I love you.' Thor murmurs, pressing his lips to Loki's again, before he can argue.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor gets Loki a job at the bike shop and things are looking up...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so sorry this has taken so long!

Thor's shop is impressive, Loki has to admit. The storefront is right on the main street and several gleaming bikes stand on show outside, their rich colours and bright chrome beckoning to passers by. Men and women of all walks of life regularly stop to admire them, pursing their lips and internally struggling against the allure of the leather and metal. Many of them move on, often with a sad sigh and a glance back; but a fair number succumb, excitedly darting inside to collar an assistant. That is, of course, if they weren't collared first. Fandral tended to run the front of house aspect - sales and such - and he was well suited to it. Handsome and irrepresibly charming, he could sweet talk even the most hardened stalwart into some kind of purchase, sending them away with a receipt and a pleased yet somewhat bemused expression on their faces, as if they couldn't quite remember how they ended up buying that outrageously expensive custom helmet. Loki thought Fandral could probably sell someone their own shoes if he cared to try. He'd make an excellent hooker. Loki decides not to follow that train of thought and focuses once more on the order sheet in front of him on the counter.

'His writing's terrible, isn't it?' A smooth, amused voice asks from close behind him. He stiffens a little.

'It's not that bad, Fandral...well...okay _this_ bit I can't make out at all...' he indicates the scrawl, deliberately sliding the paper across the counter away from him a little, hoping to make Fandral move aside a bit. It works and Fandral follows the chit, frowning slightly as he pores over it. Loki sags with relief a little - Fandral seems to have no concept of personal space when it comes to him, and it makes him uncomfortable.

'Ah, I see - that's meant to be "standard body, custom paint on tank" I think.' The blond man looks pleased with himself, meeting Loki's eyes with a twinkling gaze and an easy smile.

'Ah yeah ok...thanks.' Fandral is still looking at him. 'I..I'll just go double check.' Loki makes a somewhat hurried exit through the back and into the workshop to find Thor.

He is easily located by following the noise of a grinder and Loki stands watching him work for a moment. Here, Thor looks in his element, his overalls and skin streaked with oil and grime; his taught, muscular arms guiding the heavy tool with smooth precision over the metal, amid a shower of sparks. _I should not be turned on by this_ Loki thinks, although another part of him swiftly counters _And why the hell not? He's you're boyfriend and he's fucking HOT._ A slight blush suffusing his cheeks, Loki steps forward a little, drawing Thor's attention. The big man shuts off the grinder and sets it aside, pulling off his gloves and smiling broadly as he comes over.

'Hey baby! How you doing? You liking your first day?' He looks immensely proud, if slightly ridiculous with a pair of safety goggles sitting atop his head and bunching up his hair in odd ways.

'I..yeah..I'm good...' Loki smiles a little, standing on tiptoe to remove the offending goggles and give him a kiss. Thor looks surprised but pleased.

'What was that for?!' He beams. Loki shrugs.

'Just 'cause.' he smiles a little 'well...and I might be escaping from Fandral. But mostly just 'cause.' he smiles again and Thor laughs.

'Ah yes, he can be a bit...over friendly ... just ignore him, he's alright really, we've been mates since forever.' He pulls Loki closer, circling his arms around his slender hips.

'Hmmm' Loki smiles into another kiss, caresssing Thor's neck and twiddling a loose strand of hair. 'Is that right?' his eyes sparkle with mischief. 'He's quite handsome though...'

Thor narrows his eyes 'No, he's a smarmy git...' Loki laughs at Thor's easily provoked ire.

'You are far too easy, you know darling!' The corners of his mouth twitch up as he kisses Thor on the tip of his nose. 'You were really jealous for a second there, I saw it!'

Thor looks slightly annoyed and embarrassed to have fallen for the ploy 'You're sneaky, you know that?!' but he tempers it with a little smile. 'You want to grab some lunch?'

'Lunch or _lunch_?' Loki purrs, looking up at him through his lush dark lashes. Thor makes a small pained noise and looks torn.

'God baby...you know I'd love to, but I'm really pushed on the deadline for this chopper...' his voice is strained and he looks a little like a child who's been told he can't have ice-cream until he's done his chores. Loki doesn't help by putting on a pout and toying with Thor's overalls.

A very emphatic throat-clearing from the doorway brings them sharply back to the workshop and an unimpressed looking Hogun. Then again, if Hogun _had_ another expression, Thor hadn't seen it yet.

'Amora needs you to approve that design for the tourer. If you have a sec. ' He gives Thor another withering look and leaves, wiping his hands on a rag. Loki bursts out laughing. Thor looks flustered.

'I'd better uh...sorry...I should see to that...' Loki can't stop giggling as Thor follows Hogun sheepishly through to the paint shop. Finding himself alone, he sighs and heads for the restroom, pocketing the order slip with slightly shaking hands.

Once inside, he locks the door and leans heavily against it. His fingers find a small package, tucked deep in his pocket and he fiddles with it, deliberating. He had promised Thor he would stop, and he was trying – he really was – but after a while the shakes get so bad and the pain... He brings out what remains of his last batch of TC from the late Thanos and bites at his lip as he picks it carefully open. There's very little left. Scraps, really. Thor thinks he's been going cold turkey and just coping really well – the poor sweet idiot has no idea what that would really do to him. Loki sighs again and dips the tip of his little finger amid the scraps, catching just a few and transferring them to his mouth. The taste is as bitter as ever and he hates that he's lying to Thor about this, but...he still needs it. Just to be functional. Just a little; just enough to keep him going. He takes another tiny dip and bundles away the remnants with care. This is no good though – it's only just working and sooner or later he'll have to quit altogether or get more from somewhere... He feels his shaking ease a little as the drug suffuses his system once again. Just a couple of minutes more and he'll be right as rain again.

The door to the restroom squeaks open and Loki can hear heavy footsteps and low, amiable humming that could only be Volstagg, coming from beyond his little sanctuary in the stall. Unexpectedly, the rotund man seems to have worked out who's in there and addresses him jovially.

'Hiding from Fandral, eh?! Can't say I blame you; nice enough fellow but you have to tell him what's what. Of course I never had that trouble myself, being somewhat too hairy for even his liking' The big man rumbles a chuckle 'besides, my missus would have his guts for garters and he bloody well knows it!'

'uhm..y-yes, right...' Loki forces a small laugh from behind the safety of the door, unsure how to respond.

'Don't you worry, lad, you'll soon get the feel for everything around here – just you collar me if there's anything you're a bit worried about, eh?!' Volstagg sounds so warm and honest, it makes Loki feel a little knot of emotion tighten in his stomach. He's not used to this.

'Thank you' he manages, after a slight pause. He can hear the tap running now, as Volstagg speaks again.

'No need for thanks, Loki. We look out for our own, eh? ' Volstagg drops his voice to a conspiratorial murmur 'Between you and me, I think the boss has a bit of a soft spot for you actually.' Loki can almost hear the big man's wry grin as he chuckles. 'Don't you fret – you're safe as houses with Thor and us little lot. We'll see you alright, and the kiddies too. I've three myself, so I know all about that and then some! Daft little buggers at times, but I wouldn't change 'em for the world, know what I mean? Aye. Well. Speak out if you need anything.' There is the sound of slight tap on the door, as if Volstagg has patted it in his inabiity to reassure Loki directly, then the familiar squeal of the door hinge and Loki is alone once more.

 _Lucky kids_ , he finds himself thinking unbidden. _And what do mine get? A junkie whore for a mother and fathers I'd rather forget_... He shakes his head, reminding himself that he's trying to rectify that, and bustles back through to the shop front before his thoughts can overwhelm him.

  


The rest of the day is fairly busy, the bright sunshine seems to have people in a spending mood and Fandral sees that many of them leave with more than they had intended to buy. Loki hangs back somewhat, sticking to smiling politely and ringing up smaller purchases. He catches Fandral's eyes lingering a couple of times where they really shouldn't, but his hands don't follow his gaze and Loki doesn't make mention of it. At one point a somewhat gruff customer seems to be getting a little too interested in the shop's newest assistant and – to Loki's surprise – Fandral swiftly steps in and sweet-talks him out of the shop with rather less money and rather more thermal gloves than expected.

Thor appears around six-thirty and declares that if the client still isn't happy with the mods on 'that fucking chopper' then he can bloody well see how he likes the exhaust relocated to his arse. Loki is not entirely sure he's joking. They leave together, Thor's frustration soon soothed away by the bike ride home and Loki's arms tight about him.

As soon as Thor turns the key in the door, they can hear small feet rapidly approaching and sure enough, a very flushed Sleipnir is there, clutching Fen's hand and looking very pleased with himself. In the other hand, he's thrusting a colourful painting at Loki. Amongst the glitter and assorted rainbows and animals it reads 'Wel dun momee xxx'

'Happy first day at work Mommy!!!!!' Sleipnir bounces on his heels, tugging at Fen's hand.

'abby fusday Mommama' Fen chimes in at the prompting, grinning around his brother. Loki dives to pull them both into a hug, kissing each of them repeatedly.

'Oh look at this! Thank you darling, did you both do this?!' He's positively radiating pride as they nod enthusiastically. Tash is shrugging on her coat as they come inside and ruffles the boys hair as she passes.

'You two be good, Mommy and Uncle Thor will be tired.' She kisses Loki on the top of his head. 'See you tomorrow guys.' Thor sees her off and grabs himself a beer.

'You boys have been busy with Auntie Tash, hmm?' he beams at them as he takes a swig.

'YES!' Sleipnir hoots 'I did most of it really though but Fen did the sparklies, I showed him how.' Fen nods from Loki's embrace, having been scooped up and peppered with more kisses. Sleipnir takes great pride in bringing over the masterpiece to show Thor better. 'I did aaaaalll of this' he points to several hearts, the writing and what seems to be a purple cat.

'Hey that's brilliant, little man! You're a real artist aren't you?!'

'Mmmhm!' Sleipnir bounces on his heels, grinning up at Thor.

'And look at you both all washed and cozy in your jammies – my good boys!' Loki coos and nuzzles Fen's cheek, eliciting a happy little hum.

'Well since you're in your jammies, it must be bedtime, right?' Thor teases, smiling wryly at Loki as both boys squeal in protest.

'Aww he's only being silly, babies – silly Thor! It's not bedtime yet!' Loki chides him from the sofa, settling there with Fen. Sleipnir is clearly not amused and parrots his mother with a pout.

'Silly Thor!' he decides it needs to be emphasised with a small fist applied with as much force as possible to Thor's thigh.

'Ow! Hey!' Thor chuckles 'okay yeah, I deserved that.' He grabs Sleipnir and tucks him easily under one arm, taking his beer over to join Loki and Fen in front of an episode of My Little Pony. As the boys get comfortable, Thor leans close and kisses Loki's neck just at the juncture of his jaw, smiling contentedly.

The evening is quiet, uneventful but for the games and storytelling; the nightly ritual of the boys denying that they are tired and yawning through the lie as they're tucked up in bed with a kiss. Loki feels almost as tired as he wishes them sweet dreams and pads away, leaving the door ajar. He flops back onto the sofa, leaning heavily against Thor and huffing.

'Baby?'

'Hmm?'

'Can it be bedtime for us too?'

Thor chuckles and kisses his hair, 'It's only nine!'

'I knoooowwww' Loki whines, pouting. He changes tack and slips one hand surreptitiously under Thor's t-shirt. 'Pleeeeeaase?'

Thor raises an eyebrow 'Alright, come on then.' He sets what's left of his beer on the table and rises, sweeping Loki up with him and carrying him through to their room in a fit of pleasantly surprised giggling and half-hearted recriminations.

  


_The knocking is back. It doesn't help that he knows exactly what it is – who it is. Every time, it hurts more. He can feel each blow as if it were striking him and not the pristine paintwork of his father's front door. Another bout ensues and he ducks further down behind the couch, a cushion pressed to either ear in the vain hope of blotting out the noise. It only serves to amplify his own thudding heartbeart, and compound it with the dreadful pounding at the door, until it seems they are one and the same. He has to end this. He has to make it stop. He has no choice._

_Steeling himself, he thinks of everything his father has told him; of his duty, of how important it is, how no-one can know until the time is right and his work is complete. There is no room for so-called 'friends' in Loki's life; not anymore. Anyone could be false; trust no-one but father. Father knows best. Shaking, he goes quietly to the door and opens it a crack, keeping it on the chain and careful not to reveal too much of himself, in case the visitor should notice the swell beneath his baggy jumper._

_Surprised blue eyes and a mop of strawberry-blond hair peek inside, hopeful._

_'Loki!! Where have you been?! I've missed you! Are you coming out to play? Wait – are you sick? Is that why you've been off school and staying in all the time? Are you okay?!! Um.. and hi...' the boy on the outside is clearly pleased and relieved to see him, but he can't smile back, he mustn't._

_'Loki? What is it?' The boy's sunny countenance furls into one of worry. He hasn't seen Loki for weeks and he knows something is wrong, very wrong – they've been best friends since they were crawling and as close as brothers really. Brody can tell, he always could._

_'I'm not coming back.'_

_'What? But...it's school, you have to go to school!'_

_'No. I'm not coming back. I have things to do, helping Dad.'_

_'Oh....oh...okay...I guess...'_

_'And I don't have time for your silly nonsense any more.' Loki's tone is sharp and the words cut deeply. Brody's face crumples in disbelief._

_'What do you mean, nonsense?! You love adventuring and...' he is cut off by a patronising laugh._

_'Oh please. Adventuring. Honestly you're such a child, Brody. Why on earth would I want to hang about with you?' Loki's look is one of pure disdain, copied carefully from his father. He has to do this, though it kills him inside. His voice doesn't even seem to be his own. 'Just a snivelling little brat with nothing better to do than idle the time away on stupid fantasies. ' He can see tears welling in his friend's eyes. He has to do this. 'I pity you. I have purpose, I have a goal – what do you have? Petty games for little babies – and I bet that's all you'll ever ammount to.' He sneers through the gap. 'Now get lost and stop wasting my time, brat!' Brody chokes back a heartwrenching sob and turns to run home, as Loki slams the door closed. Behind the barricade once more, he dissolves into tears, weeping bitterly for the one true friend he had ever known._

His face is wet with tears as he wakes with a start, finding himself once more in Thor's homely room. It is still dark and quiet as he brushes the tears from his cheeks, taking deep breaths. Thor is sleeping soundly beside him, face squashed against the pillow, oblivious. Much as he wants to let him sleep, Loki needs him, needs to be held, and he pushes insistently at Thor's shoulder, trying to encourage him onto his side. With a shuffle and a drowsy mumble, Thor shifts- and though still sleeping – automatically reaches to draw Loki close to him. Sighing, Loki curls into his embrace and tries to focus on Thor's strong, steady presence, the heavy arms lovingly holding him, the soft sleepy noises that rumble through him until he drifts to sleep once more.

  


The next few days, Loki seems to ease into working at the shop, getting more comfortable with taking orders, calling suppliers and even starting to chat to the customers. Thor could not be more proud, and tells him so at every opportunity – more often than not earning him an exasperated eye-roll and a half hearted shove from Loki.

It's not just work, either. Thor has been watching him carefully and after a couple of bad days, Loki seems to be handling the withdrawal remarkably well. Thor occasionally sees signs of struggle; a little shaking, a quickening of his temper – but soon enough Loki rallies and is back at his task anew. This, more than anything, truly warms his heart to see.

He catches Fandral watching Loki a couple of times, though, and decides to have a pre-emptive chat with him. After a brief and private discussion of their long lived friendship and how terrible it would be if Fandral were to suddenly find certain parts of his anatomy relocated to Thor's toolbox, the issue is quickly resolved.

'So Thor thinks I'm sweet on you.' Fandral drawls, surprising Loki out at the back of the workshop.

'Oh..uhm..' Loki feels awkward, not knowing what's expected of him. He could do without this right now; he's out of TC and it's starting to get painful. He takes another drag on his cigarette irritably, with a shaking hand. 'Well what do you expect me to do? Throw a parade?!' He snaps. To his astonishment, Fandral snorts with laughter at the retort.

'I like you, Loki. You're smart and caustic and - let's be honest - you're pretty great to look at too.' The blond man grins rakishly, cutting Loki off as he opens his mouth to protest, 'Come on, you know it. Don't deny it, you're gorgeous. I won't get between you and Thor, don't worry.' He's eyeing Loki's trembling hands. 'Feeling ok?' He actually looks genuinely concerned. Loki stubs out his cigarette and tries to brush it off.

'Yes. Fine. It's nothing.'

He finds another cigarette being proffered and looks up, meeting Fandral's cool gaze. He says nothing, he's just offering a smoke, but there's something...it seems like an unspoken truce when Loki accepts the cigarette and then a light. They stand, smoking, not really talking, leaning up against the workshop wall for a while longer.

'Friend of mine had shakes like that...' Fandral intones after a while. Loki keeps his gaze firmly on the ground. '...had to keep on top of his meds if you catch my drift?' He's fishing, Loki knows it. He says nothing and sees Fandral nod and lean back again, taking another drag. He seems to have dropped the subject and Loki is thankful.

Within a few more days, Loki and Fandral seem to be getting on; sharing cigarette breaks and laughing easily, without any hint of uneasiness in Loki that had been ever present before.

Things are starting to get better, and Thor couldn't be happier.

  


  


When the end of the month arrives, Loki seems tired but pleased with the way things are going. Friday and Saturday tend to be the busiest days but to Loki's relief Thor arranges a whole weekend off for the two of them, rather than just the fleeting Sundays they usually make do with. Saturday is still fairly busy as it turns out, there is apparently a 'Monsters Of The Past' event that Sleipnir is very vocal about seeing because he seems to think they will only be there for a limited time before they 'turn back into rocks.' Thor tries to explain that this is not really how it works and that they are really very big and move and growl and everything (certainly an animatronic T-Rex is boasted on the website), and is Sleipnir not afraid? It seems not - 'because they're already all deaded, so they can't be that scary'. As it transpires, Sleipnir grows quieter and quieter once they get into the exhibit, at times clinging tightly to Loki's leg or peeking cautiously out from behind Thor. At one point, the massive T-Rex lets out an enormous and fearsome roar and Sleipnir squeaks and jumps back, grabbing Thor in fright. In contrast, Fenrir seems very annoyed and wags a finger at the robotic dinosaur from his perch in Loki's arms, declaring loudly ' BAD!!! BAD DOGGY!!!' This utterly breaks the illusion of ferocity and Sleipnir joins in, admonishing the T-Rex for it's rowdy behaviour as Thor and Loki all but fall about laughing. After wandering home via the souvenir stall - at which Thor gets each of the boys a little dinosaur of their own, in the understanding that they will need collars and leashes and must be well behaved - Saturday evening is spent relaxing, treating the boys to a late night (late for _them_ at least), films, pizza and popcorn.

The next day Loki and Thor sleep late, unwilling to leave the cosy cocoon of the duvet and each others arms. This drowsy heaven is suddenly disrupted at around nine though, by Sleipnir leaping onto their bed with great enthusiasm, shouting 'pancakes!' and proceeding to bounce until Thor catches him and pins him down, giggling. Fen meanwhile has managed to clamber onto the mattress and snuggle quietly up to Loki, trailing his little plastic Tyrannosaur on its makeshift leash of braided yarn.

Shortly after this rude awakening, they resolve to get up and Loki takes it upon himself to make the requested pancakes. To Thor's mind, they are the best he's ever tasted.

'We should do this every Sunday – pancake breakfast. Start a tradition.' He beams at Loki through another mouthful.

'And will _you_ be cooking them at any point?!' Loki retorts, teasing, finally sitting down with his own modest helping.

'Yes! I can learn! My pancakes aren't _that_ bad...' Loki laughs.

'Yes they are.' Sleipnir states, matter of factly. 'You burnded them.' He looks so serious Thor can't suppress a laugh.

'Fine, fine, Mommy does the pancakes.'

'Mommy's pancakes are the best in the whole _world_.' Sleipnir adds, helpfully, earning himself a kiss from Loki.

The relaxed breakfast is rudely interrupted by Thor's cell launching into a rousing chorus of something by Metallica. He swears under his breath as he registers the number – someone at the shop.

'Sorry baby, just a sec...' he mutters apologetically, shuffling out of his seat and taking the call through to the bedroom, presumably anticipating more swearing on his behalf. Loki frowns but continues, trying to overhear the conversation, while nibbling at his food. Sleipnir seems to be attempting to balance an unlikely forkful, stacked high with pancake and banana slices perched precariously on top, concentrating very hard on getting it to his mouth intact. Loki watches, amused by the determination, Sleipnir's tongue protruding slightly from the corner of his mouth in focused effort. Just as the overburdened fork reaches his lips, the whole assembly comes tumbling off, bits of banana rolling across the table, much to Sleipnir's despair.

'SONOFABITCH!' his high pitched outburst has Loki snorting with barely contained laughter before he can reign it in and gently chide the boy.

'That's not a nice thing to say darling, it's not polite.'

'Huh? But Uncle Thor just said...

'I know sweetheart, but Uncle Thor was angry and said a bad word, and I'll tell him off too, okay?'

Sleipnir huffs and stabs an errant slice of banana, somehow managing to eat it with great vitriol.

There is a muffled bout of many 'bad words' from the other room and Thor re-emerges, looking far from happy.

'What is it? What's wrong?' Loki enquires, immediately concerned.

'It's that...' he stops himself, eyes darting between Sleipnir and Fen, and selects a different descriptor hurriedly, 'That fricking idiot about the chopper – he's refusing to _pay_ , now!' He looks ready to explode. 'I'm going to have to go down there and sort it out...I was going to take you to the beach!' Loki, rises and goes to him, circling his arms about his neck.

'It's okay, baby – we'll go some other time. I can take the boys to the mall for ice cream instead.' He smooths a delicate, long-fingered hand over Thor's hair, soothing him somewhat.

'I suppose....I'm sorry...' He stoops a little to snatch a kiss. 'Are you sure? I don't know how long I'll be...'

'It's fine!' Loki smiles 'It'll be a nice little outing, just the three of us – haven't done that for ages.'

Thor sags, clearly disappointed that he'll miss out. 'Alright....okay...' He kisses Loki again and gently disentangles himself, sighing. 'I'll be as quick as I can – couple of hours, tops.' He grabs his keys and jacket and heads off to put the world to rights, blowing kisses to them all as he goes.

  


  


When Thor arrives at the shop, Fandral is doing his best to charm a large, disgruntled man in a suit. _This awkward bastard_...He doesn't exactly look like a biker, and he's really not. He had come in demanding strange specs that you would never normally put together and a completely horrendous paint job (in Thor's opinion). As it turns out, they had been right about him – some high-paid exec wanting something to show up his slimy friends. Thor had put up with him taking loud, obnoxious cell phone calls in the middle of a conversation more than once. He sighs and steels himself, trying very hard to keep his temper. _Just get this over with, get him out and get home to Loki and the kids._ Fandral smiles ingratiatingly and waves him over. It's only because Thor knows him so well that he notices the silent plea for help in his bright eyes.

'Mr Barrett... what seems to be the trouble?'

  


  


The mall is bright and bustling, full of light and life. Fen seems delighted, looking around at everything he possibly can, pointing at random people and bright store displays with a cheerful 'Ah!' every now and then, his toy dinosaur clutched tightly in his chubby fingers. Sleipnir has not stopped talking since breakfast, on the other hand, and Loki nods and smiles and feigns interest, guiding him by the hand. It feels like an endless stream of mis-remembered facts from yesterday's little adventure, all preluded with an excited 'Did you know...?' but often ending in rather doubtful facts about prehistoric life, such as the Velociraptor's predilection for marmalade. When they finally reach the ice cream stand, there begins a great process of deliberation.

'What's _that_ one?' Sleipnir pipes, pointing at tub of a marbled red and cream confection. Loki peers at the label in front of it.

'Mm raspberry ripple Sleipi. Do you think you'd like that? It's fruity.' To Loki's dismay, Sleipnir shakes his head yet again. This is possibly the longest time taken to choose ice cream on record, he thinks to himself, trying to ignore the large queue forming behind them.

'What about that one? The blue one – that's bubblegum flavour, you like bubblegum!' He sounds as enthusiastic as he can, trying to sway him into a decision.

'Oooooooh!!! YES YES YES!!! And sprinkles and chocolate and sauce pleeeeaaase?' Sleipnir grins maniacally, clapping his hands. Loki sighs, smiling, a little tired.

'Chocolate _or_ sprinkles _or_ sauce darling, not all three.'

Sleipnir pouts a little but soon recovers, exclaiming 'SPRINKLES!'

  


  


  


'Mr Barrett, this is the exact design and configuration you requested, we have adapted and incorporated your many additions including the last minute change on the paintwork – I fail to see the issue here.' Thor is rapidly running short on patience, which had not exactly been in abundant supply in the first place.

'Nah, nah look buddy – this is all wrong. I wanted a shit-hot ride, flash, sweet engine sound, something to get the guys green and the girls randy, yeah? This is like funfair shit...' the banker sneers, waving a hand dismissively. Thor's temper reaches breaking point as the damned cell phone rings yet again. He closes one large, powerful hand over Barretts, phone and all, applying just enough pressure to suggest how easy it would be to break the man's fingers. Barrett visibly pales and really looks at Thor for probably the first time.

'I'll say it one more time, Mr Barrett. This is what you ordered and approved. Pay up, take your custom nightmare and leave, or I will personally sue you for the cost of labour, parts and man hours for being a time-wasting little shit.' Thor growls, quietly through gritted teeth. Barrett seems to have a sudden change of heart.

'R-right, yeah! Gotcha! – haha – _this_ bike. _This_ one is great, one of a kind!' He babbles nervously. Thor nods and releases his hand, eyes narrowed, still watching him with barely concealed anger as he fumbles for his wallet.

  


  


_There is nothing, here. Nothing but floating, drifting in a void of soft white noise and timelessness. Thoughts attempt to form, only to swirl away again, leaving him unperturbed. His own body...does he still have a body? Does it matter? ….No. Not here. Nothing matters here....everything is nothing here.....nowhere...._

  


  


It's past two when Thor arrives home, laden with sweets and toys in the hopes of making up for his absence, only to find the flat empty. _They should be back by now..._ out of nowhere, a shiver runs the length of his spine and his chest tightens as he drops the bags and goes for his cell. He tries Loki's number three times....four....and it rings out every time, his stomach tightening with each passing second.

Dashing back outside, he heads for the mall, still trying Loki's number over and again, in the hope that he hasn't heard it, that he has it on silent, something....anything...

The local mall is one of his fathers' chain and he knows it well – he wastes no time in heading for the security office. Rushing through the blank-eyed shoppers, he heads up stairs, taking two at a time and bursting into the small office without stopping to knock.

'Hey! What do you think you're doing?!' A portly man in a dark blue uniform hefts himself out of his chair, addressing Thor.

'UNLCE THOR!!!'

The man is halted by a small boy running full tilt to Thor, hugging tight to his legs and refusing to let go.

'Sleipnir? What happened?! Where's Mommy?' Thor crouches to comfort him and, looking about sees Fen, sitting on one of the utilitarian chairs, clutching his favourite bunny, tears streaming down his face. He picks up Sleipnir and goes to gather Fen into his arms as well, ignoring the security guard.

'Look what is all this? You're a relative, are you? I'll need some ID you know – I can't just let you...'

The blustering guard is cut off by Thor shoving ID at him with a growl before turning his attention back to the boys.

'What the...oh...Oh! Odinson as in...I'm sorry, sir, I didn't realise...'

'Where were they? When did you find them? Where's Loki?!' Thor is trying to keep his voice level, trying not to upset the boys more than they already are. Both Sleipnir and Fen are clinging to him and each other, little fists grasping handfuls of his t-shirt tight. The guard looks at a loss.

'It was about half an hour ago, they were just sitting with ice creams and there was nobody about with them – I went to check and sure enough, this one' he indicates Sleipnir, who buries his head against Thor, 'This one says they're waiting for Mommy. All well and good, but the poor little bug...souls had been sat there for ages already. I took 'em up here and put over an announcement – a few times, you know? - out over the tannoy, but no-one come to get 'em.'

Thor looks distressed and tries to question Sleipnir as gently as he can, his pulse pounding in his ears.

'Sleipi, what happened? Where did Mommy go?' Sleipnir shakes his head, gripping onto Thor tighter and mumbles something indistinct. Thor can just about make out 'toilet'.

'Get up the CCTV footage from the last three hours.' It's not a question and the security guard hurries to comply, fumbling with buttons and dials until one of the small, flickering screens shows the entrance to the rest rooms

'We don't put 'em inside, regulations, see?' the rotund man wheedles apologetically.

'Fine. Go from 10am. Fast forward – you're looking for a tall, slim man, around 6' 2”, long dark hair, green shirt, black skinny jeans, black jacket...' Thor reels off, poring over the screen.

'Man? I thought the little one said..'

'Just _look_ alright?!' Thor snaps. The guard nods, startled and goes back to the task at hand.

'There- there! Okay...' Thor clearly recognises Loki heading in, leaving Sleipnir and Fen on a bench outside. 'wind on a bit, see when he comes out.' Thor directs. The flustered guard does as he's asked, but there's a problem...Loki doesn't re-appear. Throat dry, Thor speaks again. 'Take it back to when he went in...right now leave it going...' He feels his pulse race as he watches Loki again, leaving his boys and going inside....after a few moments, two burly figures follow him in. 'Freeze it! Stop, right there...' The screen has halted just as one of the men turns a little, as if checking he's not being observed. Thor can see clearly the massive scar over one cheek, the badly healed nose...he knows that face, he's punched that face...Thanos' thugs...

In seconds flat, Thor is bolting from the cramped office, shouting back for Sleipnir and Fen to stay there, racing down the stairs and sprinting to the toilets. Shoving the door in, his heart falters as he takes in Loki's crumpled form, motionless on the filthy tiles. He chokes back a cry and rushes to him, checking for any sign of life, pulse, breath, anything... His mouth is streaked with vomit, his eyes closed, hair plastered over his too pale, clammy brow...there is a needle lodged in the crook of his elbow, syringe still attached, the plunger fully depressed...

Thor is screaming, shouting, frantic now, trying to rouse his beloved. He removes the needle and lifts Loki's lifeless body in his arms, kicking his way back to the main mall. All the while he's repeating in a low plea - _no no no....come on baby....come on....please....please don't leave me..._ though he's not even aware of it. He emerges like a man possessed, rage and sorrow pouring from him as he bellows into the vast space, knowing somewhere in his fraught mind that the security guard will be watching... _help us...please, somebody help me...._

A twitching catches his eye, a small flicker of movement over Loki's face...setting him down gently, he croons softly, trying to rouse him from whatever depths he is lost in. _Loki...please...please....come back...I love you...don't leave me..._ There is commotion all about him but he doesn't care, Loki is his world and he cannot think of anything else. Loki's arm twitches and for a moment, hope wells within Thor again, but the spasm comes again...and again....and suddenly Loki's whole body is shaking violently, seizing and contorting, forcing Thor to let go of him with a pained cry. People are gasping, gawping, hurrying their children away from the disturbing sight as Loki flails uncontrollably, foam flecking his thin lips with white and red. As suddenly as it began, the seizure subsides, and Thor cradles Loki's limp body against him, sobbing and pleading. On his knees, he kisses the damp, dark hair over and over, clinging desperate to the hope of rescue, even as he feels the pulse grow weaker under his fingers.


	9. Stabat Mater

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Many of you wanted more of the flash-backs.....
> 
> Wish granted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: UNDERAGE/CHILD ABUSE
> 
> This was very disturbing to write and is intended to be that way to read.
> 
> I rarely dislike people on the basis of sexual preferences but I must warn you, if you take any pleasure in reading the first part of this chapter, I DO NOT want to know, do not read my work any further, I do not intend it to be anything but gut-wrenchingly upsetting.

The scent of grass and wild flowers drifts heavy on a warm breeze, the air moving just enough to be refreshing without a chill. It is summer, and a burbling stream glints and sparkles in the golden afternoon sunlight, invitingly clear and cool. They are walking through a meadow, the grasses and weeds about them undulating gently with the wind's soft touch. A small hand is clasped gently by a large, steady one, tanned and strong.

 

'May I paddle in the water Daddy?' His voice sounds so small, but then he is just a boy. _No...that's not right, is it? … Yes...a boy_ … he looks at his own hand for a moment, nestled in his father's. One day he would be big and strong like Daddy too. 'Please?' His high little voice pipes once again.

 

'Not just yet, Loki – we're nearly at the lake in any case.' Laufey's voice is rich and deep, certain and so very comforting. He smiles down at his boy, stroking the soft blond curls that fall about his face. 'You can paddle there. But not too much splashing; you'll frighten the fish away.'

 

Loki's bright eyes widen and he smiles, lips slightly parted. 'Fish! I had forgotten about the fish!' Laufey beams and squeezes his son's hand.

 

'Come along then.'

 

They walk a little further, through the sun-ripe meadow and past a stand of hazel, to emerge on the shores of a modest little lake. To Loki it seems huge, but in truth it is more akin to an oversized pond. He gasps as though it were the most beautiful place on earth, and Laufey chuckles softly.

 

'Do you like it?' he murmurs, watching Loki's reaction as he sets down the rods and bags. The little boy grins widely and runs to him, flinging his arms about his neck as he's still crouching down and pressing his soft lips against his father's rough cheek.

 

'It's perfect Daddy! SO PRETTY!' Loki pauses and becomes thoughtful. 'Do you think this is what Heaven might be like, Daddy?' he turns back to look out over the lake again. 'I do hope so. Mummy would like that very much, don't you think?' Laufey strokes his hair and sits, setting him on his lap.

 

'I think Heaven may be even more beautiful, Loki.'

 

'I miss her.'

 

'I know.'

 

They sit looking out over the water for a little while, Laufey cradling his young son as they listen to the soft, wild sounds of the countryside. Loki leans back against his father, wriggling to get comfortable, content in his strong, stalwart presence. The doctor seems to tense, momentarily but then allows himself to lean back a little, supporting himself with his hands braced on the ground behind him. Loki shifts again, turning about to look at him. Laufey feels a shiver run through him and his pulse quicken, a feeling that has been growing steadily stronger since his wife's untimely passing...Loki is so like her sometimes...especially now, all long legs and soft, supple skin....

He is startled from his reverie by an outburst of giggling. Loki is laughing up at him, eyes shining, slim body pressed close and wriggling.

 

'You're poking me!!! It tickles!!!' Laufey can barely breathe but manages a shaky reply.

 

'You're poking yourself, my hands are back here...' he shows the boy his hands, wiggling his fingers in demonstration. This doesn't feel real...it feels like a dream...his breath hitches as Loki wriggles again, trying to prove a point.

'You ARE! I can FEEL it!!! HERE!!' Suddenly Loki sits back and grabs Laufeys hard cock through the thin material of his pants, causing his father to gasp. 'SEE??!! You have a secret poking stick!!! You can't fool me!!!' Laufey knows somewhere deep down that he should stop the boy, that this is no more than an innocent misjudgement...but the voice is very small now...and growing so very, very distant.

 

'It's not a secret poking stick, Loki.' he rumbles. Loki looks up, puzzled.

 

'What then?'

 

Laufey hesitates '...It's a present.'

 

Loki narrows his eyes, squeezing the 'present' with suspicion. 'I thought the fishing trip was my present?'

 

'It is. But this is a very special part of your present...it's for you and me to share...and...a way to honour your Mother...' his mouth is dry, he can barely hear the muffled anguished cries of his conscience any more.

 

 

 

It's very confusing. Daddy says that it's a special thing, a good thing, so it must be. But it seems strange and unfamiliar. His pulse is racing, nervous, standing naked before his father, one hand gripping the opposite arm across his pale body.

 

'Come here, Loki.' He bites his lip and goes to Laufey, who sets him in his lap once more. This is better. He likes cuddles. Daddy gives the best cuddles. But something isn't right, it's not the same; he can feel Laufey stroking his skin softly and he feels strange. It's not like tickling...it's nice but...

 

'D-Daddy?!' his voice comes out as a high-pitched squeak when suddenly the big hands are cupping his bottom, stroking between his legs, he can feel breath hot on his neck and he is afraid.

 

'You're a big boy now, Loki – you'll soon start to grow hair here.' A calloused hand sweeps over his groin.

 

'Y-yes Daddy' Loki nods, agreeing. 'I'm eight now, that's old.' his voice still shakes and he is tense all over though he's not sure why. 'Does hair make me grown-up then?' There's a sound behind him as Laufey's hands leave him for a moment.

 

'Yes Loki. You're becoming a man, look.' Large hands encourage him gently to turn around and Loki's eyes widen in confusion as he sees something he does not fully understand. Laufey's trousers are open and shucked down a little, and he can see...well it must be Daddy's dingle but it's so big and all hard and twitchy – that can't be right – and hair, lots of hair everywhere. Bemused, Loki is lost for words and feels on the verge of tears. Laufey must see that, as he takes the boys' hands and looks into his eyes, smiling.

 

'It's alright, Loki. This is a very special day, a day to remember Mummy.' Loki feels the knot tighten in his stomach but cuffs away a tear and nods.

 

_Somewhere a part of him is aware this is only a dream, a memory long suppressed and pushed away. A memory he had managed to protect himself from until now, telling himself it never happened, that he didn't remember the first time....Somewhere that part of him screams and cries, begs to wake up... but however close he gets, he cannot reach the air, cannot break the surface and is dragged back again and again into the darkness beneath._

 

Daddy is very gentle and nice. He talks the whole time, which is good. He likes Daddy's voice. Daddy explains everything and says what he will do before he does it – like the touching, so he doesn't startle. He is hesitant and still confused but he does as he's told. He is a good boy, after all. And he won't cry, he won't – not even if it stings and hurts badly when Daddy does the special thing – he's a big boy now, he won't cry.

 

But then Daddy says that was just the first bit and turns him around, takes his great big fingers out – that stings too – and tells Loki to spread his legs as wide as he can. He does, standing awkwardly over Laufeys lap, unsure what he's supposed to do now. Then Daddy's hands are on his hips and guiding him into a squat, like he's supposed to sit down. He starts to, but cries out in pain as his sore bottom meets a hard, hot, stabbing thing.... His instinct is to stand, to pull away, but Laufey's hands grip his hips like a vice. His hands.... _both_ his hands....and then he knows. He knows what stabbed him and he's seen how big it is, so much bigger than Daddy's fingers, and he's crying, scared of the pain, scared he'll do it wrong, that he'll ruin Mummy's special memory-day...he screws his face up, trying not to cry out aloud again – he is a big boy, big boys don't cry – but a yelp still escapes him as the sharp, hot pain comes once again, unrelenting this time. He closes his eyes, telling himself over and over that he is a good boy, that Daddy loves him very much, that he must be brave and think of Mummy.... the hands grip tighter and pull him down, impaling him.

 

For a moment, Loki sees only darkness, the pain so overwhelming. The lake swims into focus once more and he feels wide open, stretched and filled beyond his ability to comprehend...and now it's moving, Daddy is poking about deep inside of his tummy and moving around and it's so sore and strange and he wants to cry, to scream, feels like he'll burst every time it goes up and into him again. The lake looks so still...so peaceful...it is jogged about in his vision as he lets himself go almost entirely limp, let's Laufey do what he must, tuning out the pain, the churning of his insides, the panting and grunting behind him...and stares at the flawless surface of the water, calm and undisturbed, so cool and peaceful...if only he could be part of that...just....stay there, in the cool, quiet green, forever...

 

His vision clouds and he frowns as a tear splashes against his arm – he hadn't even realised he was crying. Daddy doesn't notice though, doesn't slow down, so he wipes his eyes and stays quiet, looking longingly at the lake. The pain is a dull ache, it seems like he isn't really there any more, as if it's all happening to someone else. Suddenly Laufey jerks and bucks, crying out, and Loki is back, the pain is back, and worse than ever, and he feels like something is gushing into him, filling his guts even more; he struggles to breathe, feels like he's drowning, but only a tiny keening sound falls from his thin lips. Silent tears are coming faster now, he can't seem to stop them however hard he tries. Laufey has stopped moving and loosened his grip; Loki can hear him panting from behind him. He tells himself again that he is a good boy, a big boy. Big boys don't cry. He takes a deep, shaky breath and tries to calm himself. A large hand strokes his back and he shudders.

 

'Well done, Loki. You did very well.' Laufey's voice is low and husky, a little weary. Maybe it was something that was sore and difficult for Daddy, too. 'I know it was scary, but you were very good. Very, very good.' The hand strokes his back again and he feels a little better for the praise.

 

'Thank you, Daddy' he manages, quietly.

 

 

_He's screaming, shouting, begging himself to wake up, just wake up! He's trying to find his body; take back control, but he can't feel a thing, can't move...He feels like his heart is breaking...If only had something to cling onto in this nightmare world... More images, snatches of memory swim about him, each more painful than the last. Through it all he can hear his father's voice calling him, over and over; telling him how much he is loved, how special he is....and then how disappointed he is....how angry Loki has made him....around and around....Loki would weep if he could...._

 

_Amid the swarming dark, another voice calls to him...it's faint at first, drowned out by the sonorous tones of his father....but he knows that voice....soft and warm....he strains his focus to follow, to hunt it out..._

 

 

He's standing in the rain, leaning against his piece-of-shit car; the hood popped and engine steaming, taking long draws on his second cigarette in half an hour. He hasn't eaten for three days and only just had enough cereal to keep the boys going. He needs a punter and soon. This is a desperate ploy but it worked a couple of times before; even if he can't get a John to take a full service he can pick their pocket.

 

Another pick-up steams past, showering Loki with grimy puddle-water and extinguishing his cigarette.

 

'FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCK!!!!' he screams after the fast vanishing perpetrator, throwing the now useless smoke to the ground and taking out his frustration on the front wheel of the car. As he gives it another good kick, cursing his luck, the sound of a bike – a big bike – draws near and to his relief, pulls alongside, into the sodden layby. He composes himself, re-arranging his features from 'about to commit atrocities' to 'distressed and helpless motorist' as he hears the bikes' engine roll from idling into silence. The biker – gods he's huge – approaches, pulling off his leather gloves and unbuckling his helmet. All top-end gear, Loki notes – should be a good take from this one. He looks ingratiatingly up at the tall man, ready to launch into a well-rehearsed story designed to be endearing with just a hint of flirty suggestion as the big man tugs off his headgear...and promptly goes completely blank. His panic must be obvious because the stranger's asking if he's ok, assuring him he's here to help and not to worry....Loki manages to nod and stammer out a thank you, trying to pull himself together -what the hell is the matter with him? This never happened before!

 

The tall, blond biker is leaning over, peering at the engine, frowning and Loki realises he's staring. He shakes himself and goes over.

 

'I don't know what happened – I pulled over 'cause the tyre went and now it won't start...'

 

'Hmm well it looks okay but let me just check a couple of things and we'll see if we can't get you sorted out.' The stranger looks up and smiles... and Loki is lost for words again. What the hell, Loki?! Yes, he's very handsome, yes he's got just amazing eyes, and that smile....stop that!!! Say something!!!

 

'L-Loki'...

 

'Thor' a hand is thrust towards him. He takes it and shakes, bemused at his own reactions. 'Good to meet you. Christ, you're soaked through!...Here....' and suddenly this enormous biker is giving him his jacket... 'There, that should help a bit. Are you okay? Loki?' ….

 

 

 

Loki.. _...that voice....it's calling him again, drawing him out of the memory..._.Loki _.....it's not his father any more, it's kind and soft....he feels warm when it calls him....._ Loki.. _.....he feels like he's floating now, drifting closer to that comforting sound. He holds onto it, willing himself onwards, to safety...somehow he knows....that voice means safety.....and finally the image of the biker swims into his vision again, just as the voice calls him....Thor...of course it's Thor – how could he forget?...had he fallen asleep with the kids again?....He tries to open his eyes, to answer, but everything feels suddenly very heavy..._.Loki, can you hear me? _....Thor sounds sad, why would he be sad? He always seems happy...._ Fen and Sleipi miss you so much.....I miss you....I love you... _._

 _Fen and Sleipi...but he's right here...is he crying? …..and suddenly everything hits him at once. The mall, the terror as rough hands seized him in the bathroom, the sheer panic when he saw the needle, the syringe full of vivid blue liquid, how he tried to scream and struggle; the searing pain and the loss of control, trying to claw his way to the door as they left him, spitting on him and laughing. Knowing he didn't want to die...fighting unconsciousness with every breath...._ Loki. _..._

 

_He musters all the strength he can and focuses on his hand, he has to move, he has to wake up, he has to tell Thor....His fingers twitch ever so slightly and he hears Thor gasp; feels his hand squeezed in response._


	10. Chapter Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki and Thor are reunited after the terrible events at the mall.
> 
> Thank you all for sticking with the story, think of this chapter as a little reprieve for getting through the last one <3

Hours pass like weeks for Thor, sitting ever vigillant at Loki's bedside. There had been a couple of very close calls - twice he'd had to watch helplessly as strangers tried to pound and blow life back into his beloved. Twice he had faced the stark reality of losing Loki for ever and it had broken him. Now, in the dim ward, faintly lit with the red glow of the monitors and machines, he sits holding Loki's unresponsive hand. He's settled, leaning forward onto the bed, pillowing his somewhat unkempt head on his forearm, absently rubbing little circles on the back of Loki's hand with his thumb. It's been three days and Loki hasn't regained consciousness.

Hard as he tries, he can't stop replaying the events over and over in his mind, hearing the boys crying, begging to see their mother as his own parents swept them away from the horrid scene. Much as he liked Tash and would trust his friends with his own life, Thor had needed their reassuring presence and knew the boys would be well taken care of.

Later there had been a lot of urgent explanations in hushed tones - over the phone for the most part - as Thor paced up and down the ward. His mother had instantly adored the children of course and they, in turn, had already grown quite fond of her. No-one could dislike Frigga, though; she was such a warm-hearted woman that it showed in everything she did. His father would take more convincing, but that was always Odin's way; cautious, measured, protective. He would help though and that was what mattered.

Thor recalls their faces when they had glimpsed Loki, being worked on by EMTs at the scene. His mother immediately expressing concern and empathy; his father silent, brow deeply furrowed. Thor knew that look from when he was a boy; it meant Odin was wondering exactly what Thor had gotten himself into.

Once again he can hear that terrible rattling gasp before Loki stopped breathing, right there in his arms ... and once again tears sting his tired eyes. He swallows hard and fights them back.

'Loki...I love you...' he pleads quietly into the near darkness '...come back to me...'

The slightest of twitches makes him gasp and sit bolt upright, had he imagined it? He squeezes Loki's hand, hoping, praying to any who might hear him, watching for the faintest sign... Loki's fingers twitch again, a little stronger this time.

'Loki! Loki can you hear me?!' Thor's heart is hammering against his chest as he stands and strokes his pale cheek. 'Loki? Baby?' Dark lashes flutter for a moment and slowly, excruciatlingly slowly, shimmering green eyes open to meet Thor's. They are bloodshot and tired, but it's the most wonderful sight Thor has ever seen.

'....h-hey...hi...'

This time when Thor weeps, it is with tears of pure joy. He doesn't hold back, peppering Loki's face with kisses and telling him over and over how much he loves him. He breaks away only to inform staff that Loki is awake at last. Sleepy and a little groggy, Loki has one thing on his mind.

'Th-Thor...Fen...Sleipi....?' His tone is anxious and he strains to sit up, but Thor restrains him gently.

'They're fine – missing youlike hell – but safe and well.'

He nods and swallows, his eyes glistening with unshed tears.

'I...I thought I was going to....I thought.....I was so scared Thor! I didn't want to die!' The last few words come out clipped, with Loki choking back a sob.

Thor leans close, kissing him and stroking his hair.

'Shh..shh...it's okay. I know baby. I know – I was scared too...the thought of losing you....I....' he stops himself, feeling a lump rise in his throat again. 'I'l never let anything happen to you again, I swear, not ever.' He presses more kisses to Lokis mouth and cheeks, trying to sound stronger than he feels. Suddenly he feels Loki stiffen. Alarmed, he pulls back, pulse quickening.

'Loki?!! '

His eyes are wide and what little colour he'd regained has drained from his face.

'......I can't stay here.' he tries to sit up again, wincing, batting Thor's hand away when he tries to intervene. 'I have to get out of here....NOW!' his eyes are wild now and he's scrabbling at the IV lines; Thor has to stop him ripping the needles straight out.

'What are you DOING?! STOP!!' Loki cuts him off in a low, urgent tone.

'Thor, listen to me. You have to get me out of here. He can find me here, he'll find me...' His eyes are pleading, frightened. Thor frowns, perturbed by the tremor in Loki's voice.

'Thanos is gone baby....'

'Not him, you idiot my father!' he hisses in response. Seeing Thor's face turn stormy he pleads, 'Thor, he's a doctor....a really well known doctor....please – someone will tell him I'm here i just know it....please!!!' his voice is little more than a whisper. As soon as Loki's father is mentioned, Thor knows he has to do something and quickly. He nods rapidly, stroking Loki's upper arm in reassurance.

'Okay..okay, just stop with that....here....' Thor pries his hand away from the IV. 'We'll go right after ..'

'no ....No! We have to go now!! If he finds me....'

'Loki, please – you've been unconscious for three days! We have to check ...' Loki's mouth has dropped open and Thor stops mid sentence.

'Three....three days...' Loki looks as if he might pass out again, 'he could be on his way here oh god oh god oh god....' His face has become a mask of horror, eyes staring at nothing, his mouth a little open and his breathing shallow. Thor can feel him trembling badly. He looks about, checking no-one can see and very carefully takes Lokis hand and begins to remove the IV himself.

He helps Loki to dress as quickly as he can, behind the thin curtain surrounding his bed, keeping him seated as much as possible. He looks so fragile, even thinner than when Thor first met him and shaking the entire time. The needle prick in the back of his hand doesn't even bleed more than a single viscous drop; he must still be dehydrated, Thor notes as he wipes it away and helps Loki into an old sweater of his own. He'd thought it would be more comfortable, even if it looks almost comicly oversized – Loki's own clothes were all so close fitting and restrictive. Loki doesn't seem to notice, sparing only a dazed glance down at the jersey before hugging his arms tight against himself and looking up at Thor with an exhausted, pitiful gaze.

'Thor?'

'Yes, baby?'

'….please don't let him....don't let him find me?' Loki sounds so young in that moment, so very small and frightened; it breaks Thor's heart all over again. He bends and cups Loki's face, tilting his chin up a little to meet his eyes.

'I will never let that happen, you hear me?' he makes sure that Loki holds his gaze 'Not ever.' Loki's eyes flicker away and he nods absently, without a word. To Thor, his silence speaks volumes. He doesn't believe that anyone can keep him safe – not from this – and perhaps in a way, he's right. Thor can't hunt down and stamp out the memories or the nightmares that plague him. Setting his jaw, Thor rises and lifts Loki from the bed as if he weighed nothing at all. At least he can do this.

  


  


Moments later they are on the road, the hospital lights dwindling in the dark behind them, no more than a flicker in the rear-view mirror.

'Where did you get the car?' It's the first time Loki's spoken in almost an hour. He's still extremely hesitant but it's something at least.

'It's mine. I only dig it out in really foul weather normally. Leave it with my folks for the most part...' he glances over to Loki's hunched form in the passenger seat. 'Take it out when the bike won't do, you know?' he sees Loki nod vaguely in response. 'Looks like we're in the clear... no-one following....' He keeps watch in the mirrors just in case, but the ward had been quiet and the few staff that had been on duty had been fully occupied with other patients when they'd made a break for it. No response. Thor lapses back into silence and drives on, heading for the safest place he knows.

'It's a piece of crap.'

Thor smiles in the dark. That sounds more like his old self.

'It's a classic.'

Loki huffs and shifts in his seat.

'Where are we going, anyway? What do we do now?' He's fiddling with the cuffs on the sweater, folding them over his hands like mitts. Thor takes a breath before answering.

'To my parents' place.' He ploughs straight on, hearing a slight intake of breath beside him 'For now – just for now. Fen and Sleipi are already settled for the moment and no-one will be able to trace you there; there's plenty of room, Mom and Dad offered, it's fine – besides, it's about time you met them.'

After a few beats of silence there's a pointed sigh.

'Fine. I'm too tired to argue, just....can we not meet them tonight? I don't think I can...I'm not....'

'It's okay – they'll probably be asleep when we get in anyway...'

'Mmh...'

'We'll just get in and get you to bed okay?' There's another beat of silence before Loki responds.

'Okay.'

  


He stays quiet for the rest of the journey, twisting the sleeves of the jersey in his hands and gazing out into the dark. Thor wonders what he's thinking about but feels like he could do without questions for the moment. Instead he drives on, inwardly hoping that this will be a new start for them, for the better.

Loki's mind wanders as he watches street-lights zip past, streaks of yellow in the depth of the night. It must be around 2am by now, he notes idly, his eyes meeting his reflection in the window. He looks haggard and pale, eyes hollow and sunken, Thor’s' sweatshirt swamping his frame and emphasising how frail he is. How could Thor really love _this_? How could anyone? He looks away, feeling tears sting his eyes and swallowing hard. His hands are shaking and suddenly he feels as though he will vomit. Thor's parents....they'll hate him.... _just a fucking junkie whore waste of space_....

'Here we go.' Thor's voice breaks into his awareness and he looks about. They're pulling into a large gravelled drive, fronting a substantial house with echoes of colonial styling. There are other houses around, of similar size and design, but not crowded close together...it's very clearly a well-to-do area. Still, for someone as loaded as Odin must be...

'I'd expected something a bit bigger.' Loki blurts. Thor smiles and shrugs, parking close to the door.

'Mom likes a place to feel like home. If it's too big it's just like....I dunno...a hotel or something. All their places are about this size or smaller actually.'

'A-All? Thor, how many houses do your parents own?' Loki's eyes are like saucers.

'Dunno...four or five? Do cabins count?' His brow furrows in thought as he gets out and comes to help Loki.

'Yes, cabins bloody well count, Thor!' Loki bats at his hands, determined to try and stand himself, easing his legs around and bracing his hands against the seat and the dash.

'Seven then. I think. Yeah.'

Loki shakes his head in exhausted disbelief and tries to get to his feet. He manages to raise himself a shaky few inches before his legs buckle and he lands back in his seat.

'FUCK!' He balls a fist and slams it against the seat back in frustration.

'It's going to take a while baby.' Thor hooks an arm under his legs and another around his back, laying a kiss at the corner of his mouth as he bends. 'We'll get you up and about again soon enough, you just have to let me help a little for now.' Loki gives a resigned nod and circles his arms about Thor's neck, thankful for his patience and strength.

The gravel sounds unnaturally loud underfoot in the stillness of the early hours, but no lights come on, even when Thor accidentally closes the door with more force than he'd intended. From what Loki can make out, the place is smart and well furnished – expensive stuff probably. He panics a little, knowing Sleipnir's fondness for jumping on anything remotely bouncy. Before he can give it a second thought though, Thor is backing into a room and setting him down on a soft bed, before flicking on a lamp.

Blinking in the soft light, Loki can see this must have been Thor's room at some point; there's a familiar carelessness to the place, the wardrobe left open, clothes piled on shelves and the floor as well - along with assorted possessions that seem to have been shoved inside in a hasty jumble. The scale Harley Davidson models on the dresser are a dead give away too. He finds he's smiling to himself and tries to envisage a teenage Thor, painstakingly assembling them on rainy days, wishing he were out tinkering with the real thing.

A weight on the bed beside him jolts him from his reverie, and there is Thor – sweet, kind, loving Thor – looking up at him with those shining blue eyes and asking if he's okay. Loki's heart aches – he wants to tell him.....what?....That he might feel something for Thor but he has no idea what it is? That he never wants to be without him? That he's terrified of feeling that? Is that love? No....he can't... not when he doesn't even know himself. He smiles instead and touches Thor's cheek, stroking the rough stubble with the pad of his thumb and smiling.

'I'm fine. I'll be fine now.'

Thor's expression relaxes a little and he shuffles closer, resting his head in Loki's lap and hugging his legs. Pale, slender fingers comb gently through his tousled blond locks and he lets out a sigh and closes his eyes. The steady rhythm of his soft breathing soon lulls Loki to sleep once again, though he fights it briefly, afraid he may not wake.

  


Wake he does, though, warm and cocooned in soft bedding. He has slept a deep and blessedly dreamless few hours, it seems – the room is still darkened, but there is full daylight creeping around the edges of the thick curtains. Thor is not beside him but for once, he feels too content and comfortable to move and so he allows himself to simply lie for a time, idly watching motes of dust drift and spin in the shafts of light. He can faintly hear movement and the low hum of voices filtering up from downstairs, punctuated once or twice by Thor's familiar laugh and Sleipi's high pitched giggle.

His heart skips at the sound of his young son, and he suddenly feels overwhelmed with the urge to see his children, hold them tight. Whipping back the covers, he rights himself and swings his legs out of bed eagerly, ignoring the sharp pain in his stomach. Standing seems fine for the briefest of moments, before dizziness overcomes him and he stumbles against the dresser; halting his fall but slamming it against the wall with a loud thump. He curses under his breath and almost immediately hears heavy footsteps rushing up the stairs. Sure enough, Thor bursts in split seconds later with an expression of extreme concern and tries to usher him back to bed.

'Are you hurt? Did you fall? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have left you...' Thor is almost comical, fussing so much, but frustration wins out within Loki.

'Thor I'm fine! Stop that!' He bats ineffectually at Thor's hands as he manoeuvres him to sit back down. 'I just wanted to see my kids! Is that okay with you?!' It comes out sounding more barbed than Loki had intended, but Thor seems to understand and doesn't snap back at him.

'I know, I know – of course you do. Just let me help you, okay? Just for now, just till you're feeling a bit stronger.' his kind eyes soften Loki's temper a little and he nods curtly in acceptance.

'Fine...oh god...' Suddenly his face falls and he looks to Thor wide eyed 'Your _parents_!'

'...will love you – relax baby.' Thor smiles and rubs his back, pressing a kiss to his temple 'really, it's going to be fine.'

'Thor...do....do they know what I did? What I am?' He's clearly very apprehensive. Thor nods though, taking his hand and squeezing it gently.

'They know everything. I explained to Mom mostly, while you were under. She was always better at getting Dad to understand things.'

'E-Everything?!' Loki looks stunned ' _Everything?!!'_ Seeing panic rise again, Thor elaborates.

'About what you used to do, about the drugs. A little about the kids – Mom knows more about that than Dad. I didn't go into who their fathers were or anything about yours. Just that he was abusive and you got away – no details.'

'They must think I'm a freak.' Loki is rubbing at his forearm, pointedly avoiding Thor's gaze. He hears Thor sigh and feels him shift closer, wrap an arm around him.

'No. They don't. I won't lie to you – Dad worries about it all, that you'll relapse or that you're just playing me or whatever, but he's just like that. He suspects everyone of everything at first. But he knows I love you. That's good enough for him and he'll help us however he can. Mom....Mom I think wants to hug you and mother you to bits. Look after you and the boys, like she did with me.' Soft lips press against Loki's cheek and in a soft voice Thor murmurs 'For real, baby. Trust me.' Swallowing hard, Loki gives a shaky nod and finally meets his eyes.

'Okay.' He attempts a smile. '...okay.'

He's quiet as Thor helps him to dress – seeming almost child-like in his resignation, letting Thor guide his thin legs into clean sweatpants; raising his arms when he's presented with a t-shirt. He plucks at the clothes distractedly.

'Come on. It's just going to seem worse the longer we wait.' Thor stands before him, big hands outstretched. 'You'll just sit here and stew. Besides – the boys have been begging to see you all morning.'

At that, Loki brightens a touch and lays his hands in Thor's.

  


  


The house is bright and spacious, and as he tackles the stairs with Thor supporting him, he can see he had been right about the furnishings. Solid wood, leather upholstery, display cases filled with fancy looking china and crystal-cut glassware.....the nerves start to get the better of him again. He doesn't belong here...

Before he can think any further though, there is a rush of small, quick footfalls and Sleipnir appears, just as they reach the foot of the stairs. His little face crumples as he reaches Loki and clings to him, sobbing. Loki has to sit back on the stairs to compensate for the force with which the little boy grabs him – Thor eases him down though, and Loki is only concerned with returning the embrace, comforting his child. He can't hold back tears as he holds his son tight and kisses him over and over. He barely notices the two other figures approach until he finds Fen being brought to him by a woman with honey golden hair and the kindest eyes he has ever seen. In that moment, drawing Fen close too, he could swear she was an angel.

'Thank you....oh thank you, thank you!!' he manages in a tiny, choked voice, before burying his face against his boys again. Thor looks on, going to his mother and kissing her cheek. There are tears in her eyes as she smiles and squeezes his hand.

'Thanks Mom. Dad.'

Odin gives a cursory grunt of acknowledgement an wanders off – he's never been one for displays of affection. It's not that he doesn't care; he's just not the best at showing it.

Frigga tuts as she watches him go, trying to find something to look busy with.

'One of these days, your father will actually show some emotion, I swear!' She mutters, looking back to Thor with her warm hazel eyes and the hint of a wry smile tugging at her lips.

'When that day comes, I'll know he's gone senile.' Thor retorts, chuckling.

'I'm not deaf you know.' Calls a gruff voice from the next room, making even Loki laugh through his tears. Sleipnir and Fen are still clinging to him as if he might vanish at any second. Frigga comes to sit with them on the stairs, stroking each of the boys' heads attentively.

'There, you see? I promised he'd come back to you, didn't I?' her voice is soft and comforting in itself and the children nod in silent response, as she starts to address Loki directly. 'They missed you terribly, Loki dear, we're all very glad to have you home.' To his utter astonishment, she strokes his hair, as she had just done with the boys and looking at her, Loki knows where Thor gets that warm, loving smile that shines even in his eyes. No woman has ever looked at him like that...he feels a tightening in his throat...perhaps his mother did; he cannot recall...something about her makes him feel as though he wants to hide in her embrace and weep. Before he's overwhelmed by the feeling, though, she stands and adjusts her skirt and blouse.

'Now then. I'm doing a vegetable lasagne for supper – how does that sound?'

  


  


Once things the majority of the pent-up emotions have been released, Sleipnir delights in showing Loki around the house and garden, telling stories about the imaginary adventures he and Fen have had in his absence. Thor carries Fen around and supports Loki all the way, making sure to stop for rests. By the time they've circled back to the living room, Loki can't conceal how wobbly he is. Thor settles him down on the sofa and sets Fenrir next to him. Sleipnir hops up too and cuddles up to Loki on the opposite side.

'I had Mom and Dad pick this up for when you got out.' Thor smiles and goes to one of the cupboards in the large wooden sideboard and crouches to retrieve something. 'I know you wanted to see it...' He comes back over, presenting Loki with a DVD – the latest Disney movie. They had planned to all watch it together once it came out; the day after Loki was attacked. Fen makes excited noises and claps as Sleipnir starts to bounce in celebration. Loki's smile says everything Thor needs to know and he stoops to kiss him tenderly.

'Ewwwww!!! Less smoochy more movieeee!!!' Sleipnir protests. With a little chuckle, Thor obliges by going to set the film going for them and then fetching some squash for everyone, and a cosy red blanket big enough for all of them to share. Loki pulls Fen into his lap to allow Thor to come and join them, and kisses his rough cheek as he does.

'Thank you.' he murmurs as Thor drapes an arm round him. 'Thank you for all of this.' Loki sighs and lets himself lean into Thor, resting his head against his chest. He feels Thor stroke his hair and softly kiss the top of his head as the titles start to roll and his heart skips. Perhaps this is what all the films and songs are about. Maybe ...maybe this is what it's like to be loved... he only wishes he knew for sure, knew if what he feels in return is love or just....gratitude.... There, surrounded by warmth and contentment, he allows himself to think back on the attack. He had wanted to live. He fought for it; he never expected to feel that way – not after wishing so long to just have everything stop. One thing that stands out even more vividly in his memory though, is the fact that as he was lying there, struggling to breath, the world spinning; all he could think of was his boys – and Thor. Even in the midst of all that, Thor was there – Thor was the one he was trying to call out for. He cuddles his sons closer and listens to Thor's steady, strong heartbeat. …..But then, who else was there? For a moment, he tries to envision his life without Thor; say somehow he got on his feet and was safe with the boys still, just...without him there.

'Hey...baby?' Thor is shifting a little, his voice concerned 'Are you crying?' He speaks quietly, not wanting to disturb the kids. 'It's all going to be okay now, I swear.'

'I'm fine...it's nothing, really.' Thor presses another gentle kiss to his temple and he nuzzles into his strong embrace, seeking his hand and twining their fingers together.

'I love you baby.' Thor reassures him, 'You'll see. Everything will be alright.'

Loki nods against his chest. 'I know...' in the confines of his mind, he finds he can't help adding … _I love you_...

  


Loki sleeps again a little, during the film, nestled close against Thor. He wakes with an appetite and enthusiastically tucks into the piping hot lasagne Frigga has prepared. He only manages to eat a little less than half but thoroughly enjoys it, letting the others' light conversation wash over him. Odin still makes him a little nervous, but the way he looks at Frigga and interacts with the boys reassures him that though stern, Odin is a man with a heart much like Thor's.

It's not long after the meal before Loki is nodding off again on the couch, this time with Fen in his lap as Thor plays a game with Sleipnir. Fen seems to be happy enough where he is, watching Thor and his brother and occasionally chewing on his sleeve, and so Thor lets Loki doze until they've finished the game and it's time for the boys to go to bed. Even then, Thor takes it upon himself to see to them, quietly taking them upstairs to get washed and tucked in, reading them a story and kissing them goodnight before going back to gently rouse Loki.

He offers little protest when Thor scoops him up off the couch, a half-hearted drowsy noise of reprimand before draping his arms about Thor's neck and resting his head on his shoulder. Smiling down at his drowsy lover, Thor carries him to their room and lays him in bed before slipping in beside him and cradling his slender body close.

Thor drifts peacefully, breathing in the scent of Loki's hair and lulled by the steady rise and fall of his ribs as he sleeps. He must fall asleep too at some point, he doesn't recall when. He must have done though, because at first he thinks he's dreaming when he feels a soft touch on his hip. He smiles, eyes closed, and sighs still half-sleeping, as slender fingers trace over the contours of his muscles, making goosebumps rise on his skin. A shiver shoots through him when he feels the fingers creep up to his chest and brush lightly over his already peaked nipples and hot, breathy kisses are pressed to his neck. When Loki is suddenly straddling him, grinding against his hardening cock and clawing at his chest, he knows he's not dreaming any more. Loki leans down, pressing the length of his body against Thor's chest and kissing him deeply. Thor responds, a thrill running through him as their bare flesh meets for the first time in what seems like an eternity. His large hands find Loki's back and press him closer still, firmly caressing him all the way from the nape of his neck down and over his buttocks to taught, milky thighs. Loki moans softly and kisses him deeply again, rolling his hips and making Thor gasp at the longed-for friction.

In the soft dark, knowing they are not alone in the house, there is a heightened tension somehow as they savour each others touch. They both try to stifle their moans, filling the velvet night with soft, wet sounds of passion.

'Baby...' Thor breathes, feeling Loki take him in hand and rise, pressing the head of Thor's cock to his ass and sighing. 'Baby you only just got home...ah!' Thor has to bite his lip as Loki guides himself down, taking him inside in one movement and shivering.

'Mmhh...shhh...' He murmurs, rocking against Thor, drawing a muffled moan from him. In response he feels Thor's hands grip his ass and his hips rock upward, piercing him even deeper. With a gasp he rakes his fingers over Thor's chest and starts to move, grinding and rolling his hips on the down-stroke, he feels better this way; full, whole again – this way he can say all the things he can't put into words.....

Thor bucks strongly under him and hits his sweet spot dead on, sending his head spinning...and spinning.....as the faint shapes of the room swim, he sees stars and clutches at Thor's arms – no longer in passion but panic.

'T-Thor!...' it's too late, his limbs feel weak, his heart is racing....he falls forward, smacking his forehead against Thor's chin.

With a yelp, Thor grips his shoulders and eases him to the side, quickly wriggling from under him and reaching to flick the bedside lamp on.

'What the...' He checks Loki's head, straight away – it's a little pink but that's all. 'Loki what happened? Did you pass out?!'

Blinking, stunned, Loki shakes his head minutely. 'I...I don't think so...I don't know...' Thor strokes his arm and suddenly Loki has tears in his eyes. 'Baby I'm so sorry! I just wanted to show you...to show you...' His face crumples and he buries his face against Thor's chest.

'Oh baby...' Thor sighs and folds him into his embrace. 'You don't have to do that....you never do...not with me...' He feels what might be a nod and kisses Loki's hair. 'I love you, Loki. Nothing is going to change that. If we couldn't ever have sex again, I'd still love you, ok?' Another nod...and a soggy kiss pressed to his chest. Thor closes his eyes, cradling Loki and stroking little patterns on his back, gradually soothing him. He feels what he takes to be another kiss after a little while – just a slight flutter of Loki's lips against his skin. He doesn't hear the softly whispered words....' _I love you too'_....

  



	11. Chapter Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki continues his road to recovery and things seem to be looking up...

**Chapter One**

 

 

 

 _A noise, half heard, small and insistant filters into Loki's slumber. Perhaps he imagined it... still seconds slip by ....it comes again. He's sure he knows that sound... a soft thud...thud...thud.... It stops again and he strains to listen in the dark. Thud.... There it is again... Curiosity wins out and he's up and creeping over thick carpet toward the door....listening....following....down the hall....thud...thud...thud... closer now.... here - this room right here... He hesitates, fear making his stomach roil. The door is ajar and the noise comes again...thud.....thud....He edges closer, squinting through the gap...there is movement in the dark....thud....he can almost make out a headboard...thud....yes, that's all - a headboard clattering up against the wall....thud....thud... Then why is he so afraid? Thud... With a trembling hand he pushes the door open a little more and sees what he had secretly feared... Daddy? No!.... The figure turns sharply, annoyed and Loki can see he's hunched over a boy, barely more than seven, one huge hand clamped tight over his mouth, tears streaming from the boy's pleading eyes...Sleipnir ....NO!!! He screams and launches himself at Laufey, tearing at him, punching, biting, kicking... GET OFF!!! GET OFF HIM!!! Laufey laughs, mocking at his efforts, pinning him down easily and grinning horridly. He screams and kicks out, rough hands pin him harder and Laufey looks concerned now...'What's wrong? Loki?'.... What's wrong? Is that some kind of sick joke?? He struggles more, eyes screwed tight shut with effort... 'Loki, stop! Stop it! It's not real!!_ ' He hesitates, opens his eyes, blinking....to see Thor, nose bloody, bent over him.

'I'm ...I....I didn't...'he feels Thor shift and take his weight off of his legs, release his arms.

'It was a nightmare, everything's ok.' Thor dabs at his nose with the back of one hand, and strokes Loki's clammy cheek with the other. 'You're safe.' In reply, Loki curls into his embrace, shaking and sobbing quietly, unable to hold back. Thor holds him close, patient and gentle and strong, his steadfast rock in the stormy oceans of his own mind. As he gradually calms, he realises that at some point Thor has started to hum softly. His voice is hesitant, a little raspy but pleasant and lilting.

'What is that?' Loki asks quietly.

'Mmh? Uh ...oh....the Coventry Carol...Mom used to sing it...' large, gentle fingers comb through Loki's hair.

'It's pretty....and sad...I like it.' He nuzzles against Thor, sighing. 'Could...could you sing it again? Please?'

Thor's response is a soft chuckle and a kiss pressed to his temple, before resuming the hauntingly beautiful melody in his low, rich rumble.

It's soothing, there's no doubt, listening, feeling Thor's warmth rise into his own skin...but still the dream haunts him. He sees flashes of it, over and over; flashes of his own childhood too. He realises he's trembling, feverish, his pulse racing...

'T-thor...'

Thor stops humming and looks down in concern.

'I...don't feel so good...'

'You're going to take a while to recover, baby...'

'N-no ....I.....I know what this is...' he raises a shaking hand for Thor to see, not wanting to have to tell him outright. After a beat, Thor sighs deeply and takes his still trembling hand, kissing it and pressing it to his lips, deep in thought, brow furrowed.

'I...I'm sorry...'

Blue eyes flash in the half light. 'No! No – this is not your fault. You were clean. Those bastards....' he trails off. Loki feels a lump in his throat but stays quiet. The shaking is getting worse. Thor is very quiet when he speaks again.

'What can I do?'

Loki thinks, heart thumping in his ears. He knows what would help, what he needs...perhaps...

'I...I need TC Thor. I don't want to, but they must have used a lot....and...I....' he leaves the words hanging, dreading Thor's reaction. What actually happens next takes him utterly by surprise.

'....weaning people off the stuff. That's what rehab places do, isn't it?' Thor murmurs, half to himself.

'Y-yes?...' After a long pause, his great chest heaves in a deep breath and he speaks again.

'...I know somone. Someone who can get TC for you.' Loki sits up, stunned, looking at Thor aghast. Before he can say anything, Thor ploughs on, 'Heimdall – from the club. He knows everyone, has all the connections – I know it wouldn't be cut with any shite, and we could bring you off it gradually...do it safely and properly.'

'Thor I...' Loki simply can't find the words to express the huge flood of relief that surges through him. Instead he takes Thor's face in his shaky hands and kisses him, soft and tender until he's forced to break away to steady himself.

'It's ok...I got you...' Thor eases him back down to lie more comfortably and strokes his hair before reaching for his cell phone from the night stand. 'I guess they must have had something in the IV at the hospital to keep this from happening...' He thumbs at the keypad for a minute or two and then replaces the phone, turning back and curling himself around Loki. 'I've asked him to get something here asap, ok?' Loki just nods and grips Thors hand tight when the thick fingers find his own. He feels the familiar pressure of Thor's lips pressing a kiss to his head, nose nuzzling into his hair and sighs softly, willing the hours to pass quickly.

He can't find sleep again. The cold sweat comes in waves, worse each time and more often than not, accompanied by nausea and terrible cramping in his stomach. To his credit, Thor stays awake with him, holding him and stroking his arms and back; pulling extra blankets up when he feels too cold and taking them back when he feels feverish again. Finally, just before dawn, Thor's phone buzzes and he reads the message blearily. Loki feels him shift and kiss his temple, murmuring something to the effect that he'll be back shortly – he's not feeling overly alert at this point – and then the familiar weight lifts from the bed and Thor pads quietly out of the room. Loki is vaguely aware of some faint noises downstairs, a low hum of voices and then Thor is creeping back in, kneeling at his side of the bed with a small sachet and a glass of water. Though his vision is blurry, Loki can see the faint blue tinge to the powder in the clear little bag and moves to try and sit up a little. He almost vomits in the attempt but with Thor's help, he gets propped up against the cool wooden headboard.

'This was all he could wrangle right now but I said it was urgent, that we'd come by later for more.' Thor says softly, wetting his finger with the water and dabbing it into the powder. He looks at it, conflicted for a moment and then, sighing, brings his coated finger to Lokis lips.

'I know you don't like the taste but I think sniffing it would be worse right now...' Loki merely nods weakly and tips his head to suck the bitter substance from Thor's finger. Unsure, Thor thinks back to how many times Loki used to dip at the leftover crystals, tries to remember a rough quantity, and hesitantly asks, '...another?'

Loki grimaces but nods, worrying at his lower lip. Thor dips his finger once more, still moist from Loki's saliva and presents it again, noting that there is perhaps enough left for two doses of the same size. Loki sucks a little stronger this time and lets his head fall back, eyes closed and mouth hanging open when he's done. He looks like a portrait of a byronic poet laying like that, thin and pale and sickly but beautiful. Thor presses the seal closed on the small plastic sachet and joins Loki on the bed once more, reaching to take his hand. It's clammy and limp, resting against the covers and for a brief moment, Thor is transpoted back to that nightmarish vigil at the hospital. He shudders. Loki seems to respond, opening his eyes and raising his heavy head, shuffling weakly closer to Thor, curls about him, laying his head and one hand on his chest.

They lie that way until the sun is streaming through the window and the rest of the household begins to stir. There is a loud thump and they both smile to themselves, knowing that it is caused by Sleipnir jumping out of bed – most likely waking a rather grumpy Fen. Sure enough, there soon comes the sound of small feet trying and failing to move quietly toward their room. Thor quckly stows the little packet in the drawer of the bedside cabinet, burying it under knick-nacks from his youth, just as the door handle turns and the boys creep furtively in. Sleipnir must be feeling generous, because he helps Fen up onto the bed before climbing up himself and crawling to nestle between Thor and his mother. Fen decides that 'beside' is not sufficient and clambers on top of Loki, pressing a wet kiss to his cheek and squirming to get comfortble. Thor catches Loki's eye, his expression one of mild concern, silently asking if Fen is ok there, if it's too sore. Loki smiles in return, wincing a little but nodding, stroking his youngest son's hair and kissing the top of his sleepy little head.

It feels good, like when they were all staying at Thor's own apartment. Warm and peaceful, a comfortable, soft silence blanketing the four of them broken only by drowsy sighs. The spell is broken all at once by a clattering and a loud shout of 'Bugger!' from downstairs. Loki looks at Thor with one eyebrow raised in question.

'Every now and then, Dad tries to cook breakfast for Mom.' Thor explains, with a wry smile. 'It never goes particularly well.' Loki can't help chuckling, picturing the big, grim-faced Odin being outmatched by eggs and pancakes.

'Come on then you two' Thor shifts, rousing the boys and giving Loki a swift peck on the lips. 'Best go help out before he sets his beard on fire again.' Sleipnir seems to take this very seriously indeed, nodding and frowning as he climbs down, after Thor.

'You just stay put, baby – breakfast in bed for you today I think.' He says, shrugging on a robe and lifting Fen from Loki's embrace, setting him on his hip. Loki starts to protest but halts, still feeling very dizzy and drained. Instead he nods and shuffles down under the covers.

'Don't burn it.' There is a little sparkle in his eye and Thor knows he's smiling beneath the comforter.

 

 

As it happens, Loki is fast asleep when Thor returns with a tray of scrambled eggs and toast. _Probably for the best right now_ , he thinks, and sets the tray down beside the bed just in case. He can't help stooping to kiss his brow and tug the covers a little closer about his lover before leaving him to rest.

 

 

Loki sleeps well into the afternoon - so deeply, in fact, that Thor has trouble rousing him. He'd spent the intervening hours playing games with the boys and generally trying to keep them from too much mischief. They had been playing hide and seek when the message from Heimdall reached him, setting off his phone and giving away his location (not may places could conceal Thor, so he had opted for behind the curtains again.) Sleipnir gave a whoop of triumph at the sound and Fen an excited squeal as his brother whipped back the curtain with a shout of 'FOUND YOU!!!' To which Thor conceded gracefully that they were, indeed, the best ever team at finding things. He had left them sharing celebratory ice-cream, under Frigga's supervision.

'Come on....wake up, sleeping beauty!' he shakes Loki gently by the shoulder again and bends to kiss him. The was he scrunches his face in response is so like Fen it makes Thor's heart ache momentarily. With a drawn-out sigh, Loki squints up at him and mutters incoherently into the duvet.

'Come on dozy, get your glad-rags on. We're going out.' Thor nudges him gently. Loki moans and stretches.

'Mmmmmh ….do we have to? Where are we going?' he grumbles, half into the pillow. 'Heimdall got back to me, he's expecting us at the clubhouse in about an hour.' That gets Loki's attention, and he props himself up on his elbows, giving Thor an exasperated stare.

'Are you kidding?! I can't go there! They....I....' He's clearly flustered. 'I mean the guys at the shop were ok, but ….Thor, what the hell will they think of me?! I'm a mess! '

'Hey, it'll be fine! They'll like you!' he croons, 'I bet everyone will just be excited to finally meet you – they've been asking me for months.' He gives Loki an encouraging smile. 'Fandral and Volstagg will probably be there, maybe Hogun too. I know they'd love to see you.' After a beat, Loki rolls over and sticks his arms straight up in the air, like a child wanting to be picked up, wiggling outstretched fingers. Thor chuckles and clasps his hands, pulling him upright.

Thirty minutes later, Loki is turning in front of the full length mirror, scrutinising his appearance one last time. He is clad in skin-tight black leather pants and slim fitting, dark green button down shirt; his hair is immaculate after carefully smoothing and straightening it, his make-up flawless and set off by a thick black and silver choker at his throat. The look is finished off with his beloved - if perilously high - heels.

'How do I look?' He purrs, turning to Thor with a seductive smile. He looks stunning and he knows it. Thor hasn't seen him looking like this for what seems like an age and it makes his heart race.

'So good I think we might be late...' Thor is across the room so fast, Loki barely has time to open his mouth in retort. Before he can utter a single syllable, Thor's lips find his and strong hands are pulling him closer.

'Mmmh! Thor!' He feigns a protest between kisses, half-heartedly pushing the big man back a little. Thor only chuckles and kisses him harder. When his rough hands find a little sliver of exposed skin at the small of Loki's back, it elicits a deep moan and the ghost of a shiver. Breathless, Loki murmurs into his ear.

'You are incorrigible, you beast!' emphasising his point with a nip to the earlobe. A gasp followed by a growl and Thor's teeth on his neck make him laugh gleefully and run slender fingers into his golden tresses. Grasping a handful of the shaggy locks, he tugs hard, exposing Thor's neck and laving his tongue over the contours of his clavicle.

'Thoooor...' he whines mockingly. 'You're going to make us laaaate...' His mouth is curving into a wicked grin though, and the other hand is slipping into the front of Thor's jeans already, deft fingers dancing over his half hard cock.

A swift slap on the rump makes him jump and hiss before grabbing a grinning Thor by the shirt and pulling him into another hard, hungry kiss.

'Bastard!'

'You liked that!'

'Shut up!'

Another slap has Loki gasping in a mixture of indignation and arousal, the sting lingering long after Thor's hand has gone. He feels suddenly more awake, more alive than he thought he would ever be again, only a few short hours ago. With a wicked glint in his eye, he shoves Thor hard, back onto the bed, surprising even himself. Lying on top of Thor, heart racing and breath coming quickly, he feels almost euphoric – he never wants to lose this, never wants it to end...never.... Eyes locked on Thor's, his heart stutters and words tumble from his lips before he can stop himself.

'Marry me.'

Thor's eyes widen and Loki's heart pounds harder still – _what the hell was he thinking? He's not going to marry some fucked up junkie piece of..._

Thor's kiss interrupts his inner monologue abruptly and he melts into the strong embrace, kissing back passionate and wholeheartedly. He feels tears sting his eyes but he no longer cares.

'I love you Thor, I love you and I never want to lose you...I was so scared....I want to live, I do!' His words are soft and breathy, punctuated with kisses, his vision blurred for once by tears of sincerest joy.

'I love you too...god Loki I love you so much!' Thor is welling up too, and they both laugh at the absurdity of crying over such a happy thing.

'Is that a yes then?' Loki sniffs, smiling crookedly and cuffing away another tear. Thor rolls his eyes and groans, still smiling broadly.

'Oh for fucks sake, of course it's a yes you idiot! Come here!' He hauls a giggling Loki down into another heartfelt kiss, this time long and tender. 'I will never let you go; ever again.' That provokes more tears from Loki and more kisses too.

'Promise me! Promise me you'll never leave!'

'Never, I swear. I love you and I'm not going anywhere, no matter what.' Thor caresses his cheek reassuringly and his eyes dance with light as he breaks into an enormous grin. 'We're getting married...' With that he rolls and pins Loki under him, kissing him deeply 'I can't wait to make you my husband.' Even just saying the words sparks a fire in him, his body desperate to feel completeness that only ever comes when they are connected. It seems to stoke Loki's own passion to a frenzy too, because now he's hauling Thor's shirt off impatiently, grappling to undo his belt, his own excitement plainly visible straining against the tight material of his black pants. Thor kisses him again and then to Loki's astonishment trails his kisses down over his chest and stomach, unbuttoning the carefully pressed shirt as he goes, not stopping at the waist but travelling lower still, mouthing at his cock through the taught fabric.

'Ah!...T-Thor!' he shivers as thick fingers undo his fly and Thor tugs down the constrictive pants, freeing his already leaking erection. He looks down at Thor, he's never seen him like this before, on his knees intent on only his pleasure – and it's glorious. The beautiful blue eyes gazing back at him, full of love and lust in equal measure, the shining blond hair tickling his thighs as he leans closer in; the wry smile tugging at his lips, pink tongue darting out... Loki can't stifle a long moan as he feels Thor's tongue play slowly over his aching head, circling, teasing the sensitive spot on the underside where it meets the shaft. His eyes close on their own and his head falls back as Thor's lips part and he feels heat and wetness engulf him. His hips twitch and he gropes blindly for Thor's head, grips handfuls of tousled golden hair and bites at his lower lip as the sensation intensifies – Thor must be sucking in his cheeks... and suddenly he can't think any more, there is only the overwhelming pleasure; all he can do is hold on to his lovers'....his fiancées' hair for dear life, whimpering and writhing.

It's exactly what Thor had been hoping to achieve and he hums in satisfaction around Loki, still bobbing his head and laving his tongue around the tip. The hum itself earns it's own deep moan, so Thor repeats it, focusing the vibrations of his rumbling voice forward and into his lips. Gasps and panting tell him this is particularly good, along with a tightening grip on his hair. He had never thought he would delight in this, but for Loki, he truly does. Loki deserves to feel the most pleasure Thor can offer up, deserves to feel his love manifest physically in his touch, in their coupling. He is bobbing faster now, pulling in his cheeks and humming intermittently, one hand working the base of Loki's shaft and balls, the other starting to tease his quivering ass. Loki cries out as he presses two fingers inside, his entrance already slick from a rivulet of saliva and his own pre-cum. He can feel Loki clench and release repeatedly around his touch, knows he is close to climax. In that instant he knows he wants to suck him dry and swallow his whole load. It surprises and arouses him, and he begins to work his fingers in fast hard thrusts, directing the tips right toward his sweet spot. His head moves faster, tongue swift and darting, maintaining a good suction all the while.

Suddenly he feels Loki stiffen further in his mouth, hears him groan...and then the grip tightens further and Loki is pulling his head down forcibly, bucking up and fucking his mouth. He almost gags, it brings tears to his eyes, but it feels so good, giving Loki the power and control, letting go of his dominant position for once. He hums again and tries to focus on relaxing his throat, not letting the hard cock choke him but instead being prepared, welcoming it's hot, bruising thrusts...he shudders; he feels so subservient, almost used, but in an inexplicably wonderful way.

When Loki starts muttering obscenities, calling him filthy, telling him to suck harder, little bitch, it proves too much and he whimpers around Loki's dick, desperately trying to keep pace as he cums all over himself, shuddering, without even having been touched. A few forceful thrusts and Loki climaxes with a long moan, filling Thor's waiting mouth and throat with bursts of hot salty seed. It takes him by surprise, but he finds he swallows readily, automatically sucking and bobbing a few more times to bring his future husband through the last waves of pleasure and savouring every drop he can coax out.

Feeling Loki's fingers release his hair, he gives one last draw, more like a slow deep kiss than anything, before sitting back on his heels, panting and licking his reddened lips. Face flushed and propping himself up on his elbows, Loki gazes down at him in admiration.

'Not bad for an amateur.' He manages before collapsing back on the bed, Thor's contented chuckle washing over him.

 

 

Surprisingly, they arrive at the clubhouse only fifteen minutes after the agreed time, if somewhat dishevelled. It's a long, low building on the outskirts of the city, wood panelled and slightly grubby looking. There at least a dozen bikes outside when they pull up. Thor is astonished how well Loki is holding up, with just a little more TC to keep him going he seems bright and sharp-witted as he ever was; no trace of the shivering wreck that he had been last night.

'Can we tell them?' Loki asks excitably as they near the door, 'Please?!' Thor grins and gives him a quick but affectionate kiss.

'That's the plan.' He hesitates 'Listen...some of them are a bit set in their ways...' Loki frowns and gives him a half-hearted shove.

'You said they would be alright about us!' He looks daggers at his husband-to-be. Thor grimaces and attempts to back-pedal. 'And they will!! It's just....'

'What?' Loki demands, folding his arms emphatically. '...don't be surprised if someone refers to you as my 'old lady'. ' Thor flinches, anticipating another shove, but Loki merely laughs.

'Old lady? Really? Fuck's sake Thor I've been called worse!' He smiles, grabs the front of Thor's t-shirt and hauls him into another kiss. 'Nothing can spoil my mood right now baby.' Thor beams at him, nodding and pushes the door open.

It's a little dim and smoky inside, but not unbearable. There's a smell of bourbon and leather under the predominant scent of tobacco; ostensibly because almost every patron is wearing hide in some form of another. The majority sport leather vests with the Valkyries patch emblazoned on the back, over whatever other shirt or t-shirt they happen to be wearing. A few heads turn as they enter, and a smatter of jovial greetings are offered up. More of the men turn to look, as they realise it's Thor - and the low murmur grows louder, overtaking the background strains of ACDC from the old-style juke box.

Thor seems right at home, wandering over to the small bar and slapping a large man on the back in salutation. When he turns, Loki can see it's Volstagg and joins them with a smile. 'Hello stranger!'

'Loki! Look at you! Divine as always – give us a hug!' Booms the effusive man, wrapping thick arms about him before he can protest and almost crushing the breath from him. 'Good to see you back on your feet lad!' Loki stumbles a little when Volstagg releases him and has to steady himself on Thor.

'T-Thanks Volstagg! Good to see you too!'

'Heimdall around?' Thor asks, hooking an arm about Loki to steady him.

'Out the back, expecting you I think.' Volstagg replies, taking a swig of his drink.

'Right, ok.' Thor gives Loki a peck on the cheek and releases his waist. 'You mind waiting here? I won't be long.'

'Sure, baby!' He feels a lot more relaxed knowing at least one person in the place – although really, he's pretty used to being around big, rough guys after all those years with Thanos. Loki's smile is so bright, Thor can't help himself and kisses him again before heading through to find Heimdall.

'You two seem to be doing well!' Volstagg comments, winking at a still smiling Loki.

'We are! We're engaged now!' Loki enthuses, loving having someone to tell. Volstagg's face splits into a wide grin and he laughs heartily, drawing him into another rib-crushing hug. 'You are? That's great news!!' Releasing him, Volstagg raps his tankard on the bar, demanding the rest of the room's attention.

'W-what are you doing?!' Loki hisses, but to no avail – there's no stopping Volstagg when he sees an opportunity to celebrate.

'Hey you lot! Our VP's getting hitched! Drinks on me, lads!!' The big man bellows, hooking a meaty arm around Loki's shoulder. 'I'm so happy for you boys!' Loki can only smile in disbelief as a raucous cheer goes up and burly bikers start coming over to congratulate him and claim their celebratory drink.

He can barely believe the positive reaction – he'd expected grudging acceptance at best. The flood of well wishers has him feeling more confident than he remembers being in a very long time, and he is loving it.

'Alright!! Who's up for a drinking game? Me against...everyone!!' Loki feels like he could take on the world. Whoops and cheering let him know that they like the idea but suddenly start petering out as a tall, brunette woman makes her way to the front of the crowd. She has eyes that are such a deep brown they're almost black and there is not a trace of a smile on her angular face.

'Try me.' Her voice is like caramel but has a sharp edge to it that immediately puts Loki's hackles up. He gives her a well-rehearsed smile and steps forward, hand outstretched in an almost perfect imitation of amicability – were it not for the fact that the smile did not reach his eyes and looked far more predatory than friendly.

'Hi' he drawls coolly, assessing her every move. 'I'm Loki.' The woman just looks dismissively at the offered hand, making no move to take it.

'I know who you are.' She is not even trying to mask her contempt, but Loki is among Thor's friends, he wants to maintain the high ground – so he lowers the hand with a shrug, and another brittle smile.

'And you are?' He asks, sipping his drink and tilting his head, eyes never leaving the strangers.

'Sif.'

This means nothing to Loki and he doesn't have to feign ignorance in his response – though she clearly seems to think he should be troubled, so he can't resist playing it up a little. He gives her an overly apologetic look.

'Oh I'm so sorry – Thor never mentioned a Sif...' His face is a mask of polite confusion, but inwardly he's revelling in the response he gets. Sif bristles and there are a few sharp intakes of breath from the onlookers...interesting.

'Are you and Thor close?' He asks, a little too innocently.

'You could say that. He was going to marry me at one point.' She is looking ready for a fight, just waiting for an excuse to launch herself at him. Loki swirls the drink in his glass nonchalently, though the thought of Thor being engaged before cuts him deeply.

'Oh dear...I am sorry.' He smiles again, patronisingly. 'I suppose you just weren't his type.' Even Volstagg grimaces at that, but Loki stays smiling, full of superiority.

'Clearly. I would never lower myself to sucking cock for a fix.' Sif's words drip venom and her mouth curls into a snarl.

'You know _nothing_ about me, princess.' Loki's smile is gone and he is all anger now, tensed and ready to spring at her, rake that smug face till it bleeds.

'I know a filthy whore when I see one!' Sif hisses. 'Slip something in his drink did you?'

'Fuck you!'

'Sif! Enough!' Thor's voice cuts over the growing noise and his heavy hand grips her shoulder, just when it looks like the two will come to blows. He hauls her back a little and stands between her and Loki, who is shaking with barely contained rage.

'I'm marrying Loki – if you can't deal with that, I suggest you leave. Now.' His tone brooks no argument. Sif looks between him and Loki for a moment, rage still plain on her face, before turning and shoving her way out through the huddled bikers. When the clubhouse door slams behind her, the tension seems to drain from the atmosphere a little, and the crowd disperses. A hum of normal conversation starts to reassert itself as Thor goes to the still shaking Loki and reaches to touch his shoulder. His hand is swatted angrily away though with a sharp 'Don't!' and Loki bolts from the main room, heading for the door he saw Thor disappear through earlier.

'Shit...' Thor hurries after him, finding him in the corridor beyond, shaking and looking about at the numerous other doors, presumably seeking refuge but unsure where to go.

'Loki, I'm sorry - ' 'You were engaged before?! To her??' The hurt in his eyes is unbearable.

'I had no idea she'd be here, she lives out of state...' 'Did you love her? The way you say you love me?' Loki's voice is high and querulous, his fear obvious.

'Look just come through and we can talk'

'No! Tell me! Is this some sort of game to you?!'

Thor grabs his arm and half drags him down the corridor and into what seems to be a guest room, furnished with a bed and night stand and little else.

'This is no game, Loki.' Thor holds him by the shoulders, looking him straight in the eye. 'I meant everything I said. I love you and I want to marry you.' He tries to keep his voice calm – he knows getting angry will only make Loki react even more.

'How do I know I won't be her in a few years? That you won't just find someone else to play hero for?' The realization hits Thor hard.

'That's not how it is- it's never been about that!'

Loki laughs bitterly.

'Yeah, yeah sure, I believe you - _oh wait! I don't!'_

'Loki stop it! I would do anything for you! You know that!' He is getting angry now, despite himself. 'I got you away from Thanos didn't I? Got your kids safe? Got your fucking drugs even!' He tosses a tightly wrapped pack to Loki. It startles Loki and he clutches it, backing against the wall and sliding slowly down to sit on the floor, tears coming no matter how he fights them back.

'That's a fucking joke too...wean me off...I need it Thor! Don't you get it? I always will!'

Thor rounds on him then.

'No! No you fucking won't! I said I'd get you off it and I will!'

'Oh yeah? And what then, Thor? _What then?_ Will you fix my head too? Take out all the memories of being fucked over and over by my father? Being forced to have his children? Forced to watch them die?' He starts to tear at the wrapping on the package. 'You have no idea what it's like! None! I live it over and over again and it will NEVER stop! Not till one of us is dead!!!' Loki is sobbing fitfully, wiping tears away angrily and smudging his perfect eye-liner.It takes a few moments for him to realize that Thor has stopped arguing, is just standing there, looking at him...not really even at him, more ...through him as if deep in thought.

'T-Thor?' Loki's voice is small, he's never seen his lover look so...grim.

Thor's eyes snap up, meeting his from beneath furrowed brows and something about that look sends a chill down Loki's spine.

'Thor what is it?' Without a word, Thor comes over and helps him up – his strong hands gentle as always but firm enough to make it clear he will not be argued with – not now. Still feeling upset and a little frightened now, Loki tries to snap him out of it.

'Thor please! I'm sorry!' He's guiding him into the corridor now, heading for a back door...'w-where are we going?!'

When Thor answers, his voice is utterly cold.

'It's time I met your father.'


	12. Agnus Dei

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Thor meets Laufey. 
> 
> ***WARNING- GRAPHIC VIOLENCE***
> 
> ***Please read the footnote at the end and be assured that this is the ONLY chapter of this nature***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to share with you all some more AMAZING cosplays inspired by this fic!  
> Check them out!!
> 
> http://mylifeasaweapon.tumblr.com/post/80783459453/fahrlight-mylifeasaweapon-dear-anons-who
> 
> http://fahrlightloki.tumblr.com/image/80922031487
> 
> http://zuckerwattebaum.tumblr.com/post/80814570164/don-t-touch-the-boys-more-pics-from
> 
> http://zuckerwattebaum.tumblr.com/post/80515671198/i-think-i-m-strong-enough-no-i-am-not
> 
> Also if you can leave a note or review after reading, I would really appreciate it! This is my first FF so all feedback is really important to me!! Thanks!!

Laufey had been happy once. He knew that. It just got harder and harder to remember, looking at the worn, heavily lined face in the mirror. His hair is almost entirely grey and white now; his ice-chip eyes yellowing with age. He sighs deeply and loosens his tie, pours himself a scotch. Swirling the amber liquid in the tumbler, he thinks back to the days before this lonely existence - this endless routine of work and night after night of coming back to a silent, empty house. Once this place had been full of life and light. He had feared that would be over when his darling Angie died - but then Loki....Loki saved him.

He sips at the scotch and half smiles at the memory of how they had been, how they had found new meaning to life, something to strive for, together. Something bigger than both of them. How Loki would smile and kiss him when ever he became despondent, sit in his lap and remind him that all was not lost. How in time, they grew utterly devoted to one another, to their goal... they had been so close.

Laufey downs the rest of his whiskey and leans heavily on the ornate sideboard, making it creak and protest. He can't stop thinking about Loki. Everything reminds him of his unique, beautiful son, his lover...his saviour. Losing the first infants had been harrowing for them both and, he supposed, Loki suffered more than he did. Still though...the last time...the last time, he had been so much less enthused. Perhaps Loki had begun to lose hope. His behaviour was so...apathetic their last few months together. No matter what he tried, he could not seem to raise Loki's spirits, his hopes for the life thriving within him. And it had been thriving - growing faster and even a little larger than a standard female pregnancy generally progressed. It almost brings a tear to his eye, remembering Loki's pale, beautiful face gazing blankly out of the window - seemingly unresponsive as Laufey had reported on the child's progress. His slender hand had been resting on the slight swell of his stomach, where the babe was already making it's presence known despite being at a fairly early stage. His eyes though...his eyes were void of anything but sorrow, as if he had already resigned himself to failure. Those hopeless eyes haunted Laufey. It had been the last time he saw Loki. He had left him there, silent and despondent in the sun-room, to hold a consultation with the student he'd been mentoring, only two rooms away... and when he returned... the back door had been forced and there was no trace of Loki.

A slight noise from the kitchen disrupts his reminiscence and he quietly lays the glass down, frowning, straining to hear something else. He moves slowly, cautiously to the hall, picking up a heavy agate book-end and hefting it in his hand, ready to strike out at an intruder.

Suddenly an arm like an iron bar clamps about his neck from behind, a cloth smothers his mouth and nose before he can cry out and the sharp, overpowering smell of chloroform fills his nostrils, burns his throat, makes his head spin. The agate falls from his weakening grasp, striking his foot with a sickening crunch and rolling away. He tries to cry out, to scream, but the sound dies in his constricting throat; tries to grapple and pry at his attacker, but the vice-like grip is immovable. It is mere seconds before his vision darkens and his limbs grow heavy; his last thought is that he will die never seeing his son again.

 

 

Sitting in Thor's car in the dark, Loki's nerves are shot. He hasn't been anywhere near this hell-hole in years, never thought he'd come back at all. He is chewing at his nails, picking nervously at the remains of the black lacquer as he watches for any sign of Thor in the wing mirror. It frightens him how easily Thor tracked down his father, how focused and efficient he's been ever since that moment at the clubhouse only hours before.

Thor barely spoke after that, would tell Loki very little of what he was planning to do, even on the drive over. All he would say was that he was going to have 'a little chat' with his father. Something in the way he said it though...or rather the absence of anything in the way he spoke, made Loki shudder. The Thor he knew was full of emotion, unable to hide his feelings at any given time - be it joy or barely contained rage. This....this was different.

Seeing movement in the mirror, Loki turns in his seat, craning to see what's going on - if it's Thor, if he's ok... What he sees chills him to the bone. Thor is closing on the car, his expression as unreadable as when he left, hauling someone alongside him - it would look at a glance as though someone were helping a drunken friend stumble along. With bile rising in his throat, Loki's dread is confirmed - it is his father. Thor is opening the door before he can even register his disbelief, shoving the older man unceremoniously into the back seat and covering him with a blanket.

When Thor slopes into the drivers' seat once again, starting the car without the slightest hesitation, Loki finally finds his voice.

'Thor what the hell are you doing? Why did you bring him here?!!'

Thor remains horribly calm, to the extent that any outside observer might think he'd just loaded a week's groceries into the car, rather than an unconscious surgeon.

'To solve a problem.'

Loki shakes his head, eyes wide. 'You can't mean...you said you were going to talk to him!'

'And I will. So will you. He just won't be in a position to answer.'

Thor's eyes are fixed on the road ahead, not the slightest hint of concern in his manner. After a long moment, Loki asks what he's been afraid to.

'...what are you going to do to him?' For the first time since they entered the clubhouse, Thor smiles.

'I'm going to make sure he can never, ever hurt you again.'

Loki is shaking, his heart racing in a mixture of fear and...anticipation. Thor is giving him a gift...

'You're going to kill him.' It's not even a question. Loki can see what Thor intends, it's clear as day now.

'No.... _we_ are.' He turns to Loki then, cups a large hand gently about his face. His demeanour is still implacably calm, but there is a fire in his eyes like blue lightening. 'Meat and bone – that's all he is. I'm going to show you that's all there is to him. Nothing to fear. No more than you'd find in a butchers' window. ' The words are spoken softly, clipped and cold. Loki searches Thor's eyes but still all he can see is that cold blue spark, hungering for vengence. He turns in his seat to look at the slumped figure in the back, as Thor turns his focus back to the long, straight stretch of dark road.

'Meat and bone...' he whispers to himself, 'Just meat and bone...' He sits back and stares out at the road for a long moment.

'It's up to you. Either we take him out, give him the scare of his life and dump him; or we finish it. Once and for all.' Thor sounds so casual about it.

'No...he'd keep coming after me, after us – I know how he is....'

'Then we end him.' Thor nods, decisively. Loki picks at his nails, worries at the inside of his cheek nervously.

'Thor?'

'Hm?'

'I've never... I don't know how to ... to _kill_ someone...' Thor nods, keeping his eyes on the road.

'I can show you.' Loki's heart falters....did that mean....

'Have.. _.have you killed before?!_ ' His eyes are wide, in the dim light, he feels like he's looking at Thor for the first time. The normally kind, gentle man he loves simply shrugs.

'You ever wonder how my Dad got to where he is?'

'....Odin seems so....harmless...'

'Sometimes people need persuading. Other times they need to be out of the way. You want to make any headway in the world, people need to take you seriously.'

Loki nods, mostly to himself, trying to take it in.

'When did you...'

'I was fifteen the first time.' Thor cuts in, before he can get the question out.

Loki swallows hard, feeling nauseous 'Oh god....baby...'

'He had it coming, believe me.'

'W-what did he...'

'He raped my mom.'

Loki can't disguise his sharp intake of breath. 'Oh god...Thor...I'm sorry...'

'She wasn't the first, either. I did it for her. For all those other women he hurt. For the brother I should have had.' For the first time, emotion is creeping back into Thor's voice and it is pure rage.

'B-brother? You never said anyth-'

'Mom was pregnant when that animal got at her...it ended bloody.'

Feeling a sob rise in his throat, Loki presses back into his seat, hugging himself, unable to ignore the memory of just how harrowing losing a child is.

'Dad set it up to be my first hunting trip. Took him down with a tranq first and then had a little fun learning on the job, sort-of-thing. I can show you how to really hurt him without letting him die too soon. How to make it last. I want you to have your revenge. Make him suffer for all he did to you.'

Thor's voice has grown calm again, practical. Loki's gaze flicks hesitantly between him and the sad, limp form of his father on the back seat.

'And what then? Just....dig a hole and hope no-one finds him?'

'No need. Just chop it into nice bite size pieces for the local wildlife. Meat and bone remember – and all that is, in the end, is food.'

The nausea returns at the thought.

'Thor I...cutting him up...I don't think I could...'

'Don't worry about that, I'll do all the heavy work. You just get to enjoy yourself.'

 _Enjoy myself?._..Loki tries to imagine his father bound and helpless before him – just as he had been, so many many times...The memories are sharp and vivid, he can almost smell the blood again and suddenly he feels excited – finally he can make this monster pay for what he did.

They have turned off the main road and are driving down what seems to be an abandoned track, pitted and overgrown. There is no sound but that of the car's engine and the crunch of dirt under the tyres, the whipping of long grass and twigs against the undercarriage. Loki finds he keeps glancing back, heart racing, thinking how sad and pathetic the man he had feared for so long now looks, jolting and drooling, unconscious. He imagines making him beg for mercy, maybe finding some nasty splintered branch to violate and degrade him with – make him feel the excruciating pain he suffered as a boy...and for so very long after.

Thor remains stoically calm and quiet, taking them down a barely visible off-shoot of the track and onwards, into dense woodland. After a few bends in the meandering path, an old shack comes into view – once perhaps a hunter's cabin. It is barely a shell now, dilapadated and dark...perfect for their purposes. Thor kills the engine and silence blankets them, settling over them in the early dusk like velvet. For a few heartbeats, they sit, still and quiet. Loki's heart is pounding so loud he thinks Thor must be able to hear it. He reaches out a shaking hand to seek Thor's and twines their fingers together, needing to feel at least a little humanity from his lover once again; a reassurance that he is not as cold and merciless as he has seemed these last hours.

Relief floods over him when he feels Thor squeeze his hand a little in response. When he speaks, it's quiet and soft and unexpectedly candid.

'It frightens you – seeing me like this.' It's not a question, but Loki nods ever so slightly in response. '...then I promise you...this'll be the last time. I'll never take on something like this again.' He turns then, looks into Loki's wide eyes with sincerity. 'I would never, ever hurt you or the boys – you know that, right? I don't want to frighten you, only protect you.'

Loki nods again, trying to find his voice. When he does, it is as a whisper.

'I want you to show me. Show me how to hurt him.'

 

 

It seems to take Thor very little effort to get Laufey into the shack, despite being a dead weight. He directs Loki to retrieve a heavy bag and a camping lantern from the trunk of the car and follow him in. He does so and sets them down on an old crate, hanging back a little and watching Thor quietly as he lays Laufey out on what was once an impressive, if rustic dining table. Old, dry leaves litter the floor and plants have found several routes of entry into the failing structure, creeping through cracks in the splitting wood. Loki kicks at the tinder-dry debris, as Thor goes to the bag and pulls out some lengths of sturdy rope. Once again his preparedness both excites and disturbs Loki – _did he just have this stuff packed up and ready, just in case someone needed to...disappear? Did Odin? What about Frigga? Did she know what they did to her attacker?_ He shudders and decides it's maybe a question best left unanswered, as he wanders over to the sorry-looking fireplace, prodding the rusted iron grating with the tip of his shoe. He can hear soft sounds of rope whipping and being secured behind him, the occasional creak from the protesting table, and finds himself pondering whether a family once sat about this hearth, warm and loving... _some sick parody of a family I have...most people worry about meeting a partners' father for the first time, I guess, making a good impression...meanwhile here we are.._.. He turns with a deep sigh, to see Thor securing the last knot firmly and taking a step back to check his work. _Dad, meet my fiancee._.. The absurdity hits him and he giggles nervously.

Thor glances up and comes to him, face still set as though in deep concentration. He can't let his focus slip, not now, but he takes Loki's hands in his own softly and smooths his thumbs over the back of them as he has so many times before. There is that spark in the depths of his eyes again as he speaks and Loki knows that despite the gravity of the act they are about to commit, that somewhere on a deep, primal level, Thor is excited by the sheer power and control he has over Laufey's frail existence. _And so am I._... Loki muses. Thor is speaking to him, but he's barely taking it in, words about using shallow cuts, avoiding the sides of the neck and inner thigh; but it's all muffled and made distant by the sound of his own blood rushing in his ears, his heartbeat loud as a drum. Thor's lips on his own bring him back to the moment and he finds himself grabbing at his lover, pulling him hard into the kiss in response.

'Thank you.' It doesn't feel like enough to express how he feels, even as he whispers it. But he'll show him – for the rest of their lives together, he thinks, he will show Thor how thankful he is. Thor pulls him back a little and holds his gaze.

'Loki, don't thank me, not now.' He's deadly serious and Loki frowns a little, confused. 'Once this is done, I can never undo it. There's no taking it back, no room for remorse: you get that?' Thor's eyes are boring into him, but he nods – _how could he possibly feel remorse for this monstrous bastard after everything he did?.._.

'No take-backs, no remorse.' He repeats it back to Thor like a mantra. Thor nods, seemingly satisfied, and turns his attention to the lamp. It's rather old-fashioned and burns with a wick in oil but it seems to shed a fair amount of light. Loki feels a fluttering in his gut as he watches Thor fiddle and adjust it until he's happy – just nerves, probably – and then selects a wide-bladed knife from the bag and sets it on top of the glass flame-guard. Loki is about to ask what for, when a low groan comes from the table... Laufey is coming to.

'Yours should be the first face he sees...and the last.' Thor tells him, licking his finger and testing the heat of the blade. Loki nods and goes to the bag, feeling a strange calm descend on him. He begins taking out the contents and laying them out, sweeping a patch of floor free of the leaf-litter with his hand. There's something almost ritualistic in the act, he feels as though time is slowing to a trickle as he sets another knife down, the third so far, watching the play of the light on the blade. This is the one, it's slender and sharp, a keen edge just waiting to carve delicate patterns in sordid flesh.

He finishes setting them out as Laufey moans again, muffled by the gag that Thor has taken the precaution of fixing in place. He looks over the assortment and wonders who last met their fate at each one's point. There's still weight to the bag and so he digs down, under the scraps of oil-stained cloth that had wrapped each knife and his fingers find three larger objects. The first is cold metal and he draws it out with care. A small but sturdy saw...very practical. The second turns out to be an axe – three quarter size; and the third, a box containing a well cared for and distinctly unmarked revolver.

'Careful with that – family heirloom.' Thor advises, coming over to him. 'Give it here, I'll get it loaded up.' Taking it and glancing back at Laufey, groggy but regaining consciousness, he adds, 'It's time. You should be there when he opens his eyes.'

Loki feels a thrill run through him and nods, picking up the slender blade that had drawn his eye before. He stands and slowly walks to the table, making sure to stand where Laufey cannot fail to see him. The strange calm is still upon him as the man's eyes flutter open and blink, struggling to focus. Loki finds he's smiling as he watches Laufey gradually realise his predicament, panic and fear creeping over his face, automatically trying to move and finding himself bound. Finally he seems to see Loki, because he stops struggling and his eyes widen in recognition and confusion.

'Hello father.' Loki almost sighs it, a small smile on his lips, leaning over Laufey and bringing down the knife in a swift, sharp arc. Laufey screams behind the gag, eyes tearing and bulging, the long, slender blade buried deep in his shoulder. Loki can't help laughing – he looks so pathetic. Still laughing, he yanks the knife back, making his tormentor scream again.

'Slowly, love. Remember what I told you – make it last.' Thor speaks in a low voice, almost reverent, watching him.

Nodding, Loki brings the blade to Laufey's chest, causing him to shake his head violently, ice blue eyes pleading. He slips the blade under the doctor's shirt and cuts it open, pulls it wide to expose his pale skin, grown loose and lined with age. The sight of it makes Loki nauseous – too many times he'd been pinned under that gross, sweaty torso...

'Thor?' it's almost a whisper.

'Yes my love?' '...cut it off.' Loki's eyes never leave his father's. 'I won't sully my hands by touching it again. But he should have a chance to say goodbye to his best friend, don't you think? It is your best friend, isn't it, father? So much fun you had with it...' He's shaking now, whether with rage or something else, he doesn't know. Thor comes closer, ripping at Laufey's pants and underwear, stripping them down to his knees as he struggles and tries to plead behind the gag.

Thor hefts a large blade and holds it up for Loki's approval. It is older, the edge notched and somewhat dull, the surface spotted with rust.

'Perfect. Do it.'

Thor nods and sets to, as Loki turns his gaze back to Laufey's agonised face. He doesn't want to watch the process, to even look at that foul member again; he wants to savour Laufey's pain, his reaction.

Treating Laufey's body as though it were no more than an animal carcass, Thor grips the surgeons genetalia roughly in one massive hand, yanking up and away from his body, saws and hacks, his expression one of focus and nothing more. It's hard going, the knife being somewhat dull, but Thor has more than ample muscle for the task and is soon holding the ragged flesh aside, entirely severed. There is a lot of blood but he seems utterly unperturbed, swapping the cutting knife for the hot blade atop the lantern and quickly pressing it flat against the messy wound. Laufey has screamed himself raw and barely a sound escapes him as the flesh sizzles under Thor's knife with a hiss.

When he's done, Loki addresses Laufey again, making sure he can hear every word. 'The children say hello.' Loki drawls, watching his father's reaction, toying with him. 'Oh that's right....they don't. They don't even know you exist. And they never will.' He nods to the chunk of offal in Thor's hand. 'Aren't you going to say goodbye, father? A kiss for luck maybe?'

'I think we can do better than that' Thor's voice murmurs softly, taking him by surprise. He looks at him, raising one eyebrow, curious. Laufey is breathing hard, eyes darting between the two of them and widening as Thor moves forward, reaches to hook his fingers under the gag. He tries to cry out, shake his head, but Thor is far too strong – he yanks the gag roughly down and Laufey gulps air before trying to clamp his mouth shut. A slow smile tugs at the corners of Loki's mouth as he realises Thor's intent, watching his grim-faced lover clasp Laufey's jaw and squeezes hard, forcing it open.

'A taste of your own medicine, _doctor_.' Thor growls and stuffs the severed member into Laufey's protesting mouth, making him gag and choke. He forces in the sorry piece of meat in it's entirety, hauls the gag back into place, to prevent Laufey expelling it.

Loki is giggling, maniacally, begins to sing breathy snatches of a children's song...' _hmm mmm....helps the medicine go down....medicine go do-oown.._.'

He has picked up the slim blade again and presses it lightly to Laufey's chest, draws it slowly towards himself, watching with fascination as beads of blood bloom under the honed edge. He hums as he criss-crosses the shallow cut with another, in a sweeping curve. '.. _.in the most delightful way._..' His eyes follow the paths he traces out, speaking softly, just loud enough for Laufey to hear him over his own gasping ragged breaths. 'I always wondered, father, if you bled like I did...if you would suffer just like me....for the longest time, I thought I deserved it – you know that? You made me believe it was my fault...' His grip on the knife tightens as he feels years of suppressed rage boil to the surface, and the blade digs deeper, making Laufey writhe. Loki seems to focus suddenly, moves the knife quickly to hold it poised above his father's hand.

'How could you? I was a child! How could you?!' he moves to cut but Thor's hand on his own stops him. His head whips up, furious. 'What are you doing?! Let me fucking cut him up!' Laufey looks at Thor for a moment with relief and gratitude, but Thor merely takes the slim blade from Loki and hands him a hefty cleaver instead.

'Watch your own fingers, baby, they can get slippery.' Loki grins grotesquely and kisses Thor before spinning back to his father, bringing the cleaver down with a mighty thud, severing his pinkie finger and cutting part way through the ring finger. A strangled sound comes from Laufey, little more than a pitiful gurgle. Loki's face falls a little.

'Oh. That was disappointing...let's try that again...' He brings the cleaver down again, this time chopping the ring and middle finger clean off, along with both knuckles and a wedge of Laufey's hand. A ragged, muffled cry ratlles form Laufey, followed by body-wracking sobs, which seems only to anger Loki.

'You have no right to cry! No right! Do you have any idea what you did to me? Do you??!!' He's screaming at his prone and bloody father. 'I'll show you! I'll fucking show you!!' He grabs the severed digits and slaps them into Thor's palm.

'What do you want me to do with these?'

'Use your imagination.' Loki snarls, stalking over to the small array of weapons and dropping the blade. Thor obligingly stuffs the fingers into Laufey's anus with as much brutal force as he can, making the doctor struggle and bleed, still sobbing behind the meat stoppered gag.

'Take the gag off.' Loki's voice is softer, calmer now and there is a quiet clicking that Thor imediately recognises as the unmarked gun being cocked. 'I want to hear what he has to say for himself.'

Large, strong fingers hook under the gag once more, and Thor hauls it down, leaving a reeling Laufey to expel the severed genitals by himself. It takes him a couple of attempts, struggling to force them out with only his tongue and cheeks, hoarse whimpers following them from his cracked and bleeding lips.

'Loki....please....' his voice is a throaty rasp, his eyes bloodshot and begging.

'Go on then, Daddy dearest, tell me why you raped me, over and over again; why you made me believe that it was my duty to let you fuck me, have your bastard children!' Loki is holding the gun aimed at his fathers head, in shaking hands.

'Loki...my precious boy...'

'TELL ME!!!' It's half shout, half shriek and Loki is weeping as he makes his demand. Laufey's face changes then. It is as though a mask falls away and suddenly the fear, the pleading, pitiful man is gone; replaced by a cold, sneering and bloodied being, nothing but contempt in his eyes. This time his voice is a hiss, he spits the words like venom, lips curling in a mockery of a smile.

'...well what else was I supposed to do with a little freak like you?' He starts to laugh, a horrid, raw rattle from his ruined throat. 'You were nothing more than a disgusting little breeder, don't you remember how keen you were to get on your knees, or spread your legs for me? You used to beg, you know “please Daddy, please do it again! I miss you inside!! Put it in! Put it in! Make me a baby!” You filthy little fucking wh-'

The shot goes straight through his brain, hitting just below his right eye and exiting near his balding crown. Loki is weeping, softly, trembling, still holding the smoking gun at arms length. For a few heartbeats, everything seems to freeze. Loki's conscious mind has become entirely still, muted; thoughts seem to rush past, a raging torrent swirling about a strange island of silence where he can't do anything but catch the briefest glimpse of them. He can't move, can't breathe.....can't tear his gaze from his father's staring, dead eyes that have become permanently fixed in an attitude of disbelief.

Large hands close around his and suddenly the world comes rushing back, and it's a bloodied, stinking nightmare. He can hear Thor telling him it's over, that Laufey can't hurt him anymore, but it's a blur. Everything looks too sharp, too real, starkly crisp and vivid in the flickering lamplight. Thor is still talking, taking the gun from him, but he can't move, can't stop staring at the lifeless wreck before him. Every detail seems to sear itself into his mind's eye; the strange pallor beginning to creep over Laufey's skin; the fine red spray around the dark, oddly neat wound in his cheek; the sickening dullness overtaking his unseeing eyes as they begin to dry. He hears a strange high-pitched giggling and it takes him a moment to realise that it is coming from his own slack mouth. He feels detatched, as though he's watching from somewhere else entirely.

'Loki.'

Thor's grim face fills his vision as he steps in front of him, large hands gripping his shoulders. He blinks and tries to focus. It's over....it's over....

'....I killed him....' It's a half whisper, barely audible. '...I'm a monster...'

'No, Loki no! He had it coming – he was a vicious, evil bastard-'

'And I killed him! My own father! ...Oh god -Thor we tortured him! We're both just as sick as he is...was... _.worse! I'm worse...You are...ah!_ ' Suddenly Loki clutches his own head, blinding pain shooting through his skull. He can feel his knees giving way, feels Thor catch him as he buckles, whimpering, but he can't respond. Thor brings him gently to the floor, cradling him and stroking his head as he trembles and weeps fitfully.

'No, Loki. He was a terrible man, he did terrible things and he's paid the price.' Thor's voice is soft, warm, more like it usually is, but to Loki it is drowned out by the slow drip of blood still oozing from his father's corpse to spatter on the floor.

'How could he say all that?....He.....He told me he loved me....'

'He lied Loki. I'm sorry. But he lied. If he truly loved you he would never have done all those things...'

Loki nods, still not really looking at Thor, and gently pushes him away, moving to get up again.

'..'m ok...I'm ok now..' he moves slowly over to the weapons once more, on unsteady legs.

'What are you doing?' Loki doesn't answer, but stoops to pick up the axe and weigh it in his hands.

'Loki?' He seems to be in shock, to Thor. He's seen so many things that he hadn't thought that this would phase him quite so much, but it's not the first time Thor's been wrong. He watches Loki move to stand over Laufey, eyes still looking somewhat glazed and distant.

'We have to get rid of it.'

'Yes.'

'Chop it up, right? Like you said? Meat and bone....meat and bone...' his hesitant voice trails off and he raises the axe.

'Loki, it's ok. Let me-'

The blow is not a clean one. He'd been aiming for the neck and the aim was true, but without enough power behind it to sever head from body entirely. Thor sighs and goes to him, adjusts his grip on the handle and positions him again.

'Let the weight of the axe do the work for you.'

Loki strikes again and this time cleaves straight through the bone and sinew. Thor nods and moves to take the axe. Loki does not resist.

 

 

The cleanup is hard work and messy, but Thor is very efficient. At first, Loki tries to help, follows Thor's guidance, learning that it is best to use a sharp blade to slice down to the bone and then a saw, rather than simply hacking away with a big serrated knife as he had been about to. He would keep repeating 'meat and bone...only meat and bone' to himself like a soft, macabre mantra. Thor watched him carefully all the while, trying to guage how he was handling the whole situation. It is when Thor demonstrates just how to deal with separating joints that Loki finds he can bear no more. Something about the the ease with which Thor scores around the knee, hooks his knife below the string-like tendons to sever them, the ruthless way he grips the thigh with one hand, pressing down to the table and quickly wrenching the lower leg upward with a sickening, gristly crack; dislocating it cleanly – just as if he were butchering a deer...It makes Loki reel and back away.

After that, Thor decides to finish up himself and Loki submits, retreating to sit with his back against the wall, near the empty fireplace. To Thor's great concern though, he insists on taking Laufey's severed head with him, 'to say goodbye'. In all his years, of all the things he's seen, nothing will ever haunt Thor like the sight of his beloved, crouched in the faltering light, eyes distant and the gory trophy clasped against his breast as though he were cradling a child.

An hour or so later, Thor is finished with the butchering and sets a fire in the hearth, stoking it up and letting it take as he gathers up the chunks of flesh in a half tarpaulin. He leaves Loki as long as he dares, taking the remains out and hurling them far and wide and then returning to deal with the head. Loki is reluctant to relinquish it, but eventually Thor coaxes him into giving it up – though not before placing a kiss on the hideous thing. Thor sets it in the fire and intends to leave rather than watch the damned thing burn, but Loki stops him, insists on staying until it's little more than charred bone left among the embers. The smell is sweet and sickly, horridly similar to a roasting joint of pork. Eventually, with a great deal of persuasion, Thor gets Loki to agree that the time has come to leave, to finish the job and leave it all behind.

He watches wordlessly as Thor retrieved the blackened bone from the hearth, hooking a long knife through one eye socket, and lets it drop to the floor. With a mighty blow, Thor crushes the brittle thing underfoot, sending shards of bone and teeth skittering across the floor. Loki doesn't even flinch.

'I have to set this so it'll burn hot enough to leave nothing behind, ok?' Thor still has a somewhat no-nonsense tone to his words, but there is an undertone of care there once again, and Loki finally responds to it, raising his eyes to meet Thor's and nodding. Thor produces two small bags of powder, one from each pocket.

'What's that?' Loki sounds a little more like himself now, even folds his arms over his bloodied top and tilts his head in curiosity.

'It's a trick Dad showed me. Mix these, add fire and stand well back – burns hot enough to eat right through an engine block.' Loki raises his eyebrows but says nothing. 'Take the bag, I'll be out in a sec.' Thor looks around him and opens the packets as Loki picks up the holdall and heads for the door.

Walking back to the car, Loki feels raw and yet somehow numb – as though a battle is raging somewhere within him, that he is barely aware of. There's relief, too, as he closes the holdall in the trunk and looks up, to see Thor's shadow moving about in the little cabin. Needing a boost, he rifles through his pockets for his stash and takes a small hit, snorting it like snuff from the edge of his hand while he waits. Leaning back against the car, he breathes deeply, closing his eyes and letting the rush revive him.

When he opens them again, Thor is heading over, carrying the lamp, light still visible inside.

'I thought it would be more dramatic' Loki jibes as he gets closer, only to fall silent, open-mouthed as the dry frame suddenly becomes engulfed in roaring flame. Thor gives him what can only be described as a self-satisfied grin and slings the cooling lamp in the trunk.

'Let's go.'

 

 

A few miles from the surreal scene, roaring down the road, Loki is feeling ...better. Relief and adrenaline have him almost giddy. It's over. Really and truly. That cunt is dead and gone. He grins to himself. Thor was right – nothing more than meat and bones in the end, nothing left to be afraid of. The TC is flooding his system with a sense of exhilaration and euphoria. He's free. Thor set him free. He almost laughs to himself, but bites his lip instead. After all they had just killed someone... _No_ , he reminds himself, _not someone – a monster. A raping, abusive monster who took everything from him; his body; his innocence, his childhood; his sense of self-worth...if he ever had that to begin with..._

Darker thoughts begin to lurk around the edges of his mind and he shudders, scrabbling in his jacket to find his little stash. _Not now, damnit, not after all this_... He won't let it take him over again, not now that Laufey is dead and gone. He takes another small hit and lets his head fall back against the seat. Eyes closed, the rush of the drug quickly overtakes everything else; the familiar thrill like lightening in his veins, growing in intensity with every pump of his heart. The dark is pushed back once more and he feels blissfully free – that's more like it...He breathes deep and opens his eyes, his gaze wandering over his saviour, his strong, fearless lover. His pulse quickens as his eyes flit over Thor's arms, his chest, those powerful legs... He can't help reaching over to squeeze Thor's thigh as he drives, taking him by surprise.

'I was going to ask how you were doing but I guess that answers my question.' Thor drawls, a hint of mirth in his voice. Loki's hand slides further up his thigh and he squirms. 'Hey now, steady baby, I don't want to crash!'

'But baby...' Loki whines, running his fingertips teasingly over Thor's tightening crotch, scraping his nails against the ridges in the denim. 'My brave hero deserves his reward....' Before Thor can voice another protest, Loki has his fly down and is pulling him free, making him gasp and grip the wheel tight. 'Mmmh see? Just drive baby and let me give you a little thank you, hmm?' Thor is aware he's already fully hard under Loki's touch and the thrill is undeniable.

A sudden shift and he finds Loki's head in his lap, hot mouth swallowing him down, making him moan aloud. It's hard to stay focused on the road, the sensations overwhelming – Loki seems to be voracious, the sounds he's making alone are intensely arousing. His tongue is flickering and laving at such a pace that Thor almost swerves and has to pull over onto the hard shoulder.

'Fuck! Ahh!' It's fast and intense and Thor has a burning need for more. He half hauls Loki's head up, by the hair, growling and kissing him hard. His big hands are already on Loki's pants, tearing them in his hurry to get them off. The taste of himself on his lover's lips is fuel to the fire and he works frantically to get the pants off, dragging Loki into his lap as he does. 'I _have_ to fuck you. _Right now_.'

Loki's response is to bat Thor's hand away from his ass and straddle him fully, guiding himself down and taking in his aching cock with a whimper at the sweet pain. His eyes are closed, his brow drawn up at the centre, white teeth biting red blooms into his trembling lips. He writhes on Thor's cock, making the bigger man groan and buck, grip his hips tight.

'Ahh! Y-yes! Don't hold back!' Loki breathes, digging his nails into his lover's shoulders. Thor didn't really need telling but with that permission, he lets himself go wild, fucking into Loki so hard that each thrust threatens to crack his head against the roof of the car, adjusting his hold and slamming him down over and over again. Loki is mewling and clawing at him, tossing his head and he rides Thor, eyes tight shut and mouth slack.

There's a heat, a deep throbbing intensity that Loki hasn't felt before, and all he can do is hold on tight as it grows and swells within him, spreading through his entire body. He can feel Thor shift under him, wrangle him exactly where he wants him, and suddenly he's gasping, gulping for air as each thrust knocks the breath from him. His head is spinning, Thor is buried so deep with each jolt of his hips that it feels as though he's striking the very deepest part of him, meeting resistance – and that is overwhelming. Suddenly they both reach the height of their passion, both cry out loud and long, tumbling over the edge and clinging tightly each to the other. To Loki, amid their throes of ecstasy, it seems like Thor's hot seed is filling him like it never has before - deeper, somehow. By the time they come to a rest, he actually feels swollen, exhausted and utterly spent.

A sudden flash of blue light and the sound of another car pulling over snaps them both back to reality with a jolt.

'Shit! Shit shit shit! Thor!! What do we …' He's scrambling to get off Thor, but to his dismay, the big man keeps him where he is.

'Deep breath, get your shirt off.' There's no time to think, so Loki does as he's told, vaguely aware that Thor is getting rid of his too, balling it up and stuffing it under his seat. Realising what Thor has in mind, Loki quickly follows suit and doesn't question it when Thor pulls him down into a passionate kiss, just as a tap comes at the driver's side window.

Thor rolls it down a little and squints up at the officer peering in, shielding his eyes from the flash-light.

'Oh, uh....sorry officer....we ….um...' He sounds as embarrassed and flustered as he can manage.

'Huh – might have guessed, with the windows steamed up...' They can hear him flip open his pad and start to scribble something.

'We just got engaged!' Loki pipes enthusiastically, unabashed, 'want to come to our wedding?!'

Thor is internally panicking at Loki's brazen act, but he knows he has to stay calm if they're going to get away with this. There's a light chuckle from outside and the sound of tearing paper, and neither of them have to fake the relief that floods over them when the cop speaks again.

'Hah - no can do, but congratulations. Just keep it indoors from now on, boys, ok?'

'Yes! We will!! Thank you!!' Loki chimes cheerily – Thor just grins apologetically as the officer pats the roof and strolls back to his squad car. They can hear him turn the engine over and wait as they cover up and pull away; Thor being careful not to seem in too much of a hurry. Neither of them speak until the see the squad car pull out and disappear in the opposite direction.

'Holy shit that was close...fuck I'm so tired....' Loki trails off into a huge yawn. Thor just heaves a sigh and rests a hand on his leg in reassurance. He's too tired to hold a conversation and drive right now.

By the time they arrive back at Thor's parents place, Loki is sound asleep, even snoring gently. He barely rouses when Thor stashes the bag and lamp once again, nor when he gently lifts him out of the car and carries him to their room. Thor has to do all the work for him, once upstairs - he's barely awake as they shower and dry off, muttering and whining like a tired child.

'….Thor? Mmm.... 'd strange dream.' Loki slurs as he's being ushered into bed. '...m' dad..'

'Shhh it's ok....just sleep now baby.' Thor coos softly, drawing the covers over him.

'nng...m....kids...'

'Mom and Dad took them to the cinema for a treat, there was a note.'

'Mmph.' That seems to be all Loki can muster for the time being and so Thor slips in beside him, turning out the light and shuffling close. Running down his mental check list one more time, he sighs and tries to put the gory day out of mind, tries to focus on the result – freedom for the man he loves. He folds an arm possessively around Loki, nuzzles into the hair at the nape of his neck and breathes in his clean scent. As sleep and fatigue finally overtake him, he is rewarded with a last, soft mumble,

'….mmph...love you.'

'I love you too baby.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***IMPORTANT NOTE***  
> A few readers have expressed their concerns about the events in this chapter;  
> I want to assure you all that there are very real consequences to this and it affects both Thor and Loki very deeply in the following chapters. 
> 
> There will NOT be more gore/torture/humiliation scenes like this; it's very much a one-off and pivotal moment.
> 
> Please be patient and allow the story to unfold fully.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little respite after the horror of the last chapter. Please do not be mistaken, there are repercussions for that yet to come, the true scale of which is merely hinted at in this chapter.
> 
> Also this is not the only appearance of Mr Stark, fear not.

                                

 

 

 

'Mommymommymommy!!!!' Sleipnir's voice is high and over-excited as he barrels into Loki and Thor's bedroom unannounced.

Scrabbling to make themselves decent as the door flies open, Loki curses to himself and Thor chuckles under his voice. They had been enjoying a leisurely morning session, wordlessly exploring one another as they slowly woke together - and had just reached a rather delicate moment when interrupted.

'Knocking, Sleipi!! We talked about this!!' Loki admonishes half-heartedly, blushing furiously and clutching the covers to his chest. It doesn't seem to phase Sleipnir in the slightest, as he continues his bed-bound trajectory without hesitation.

'I knoooowwwwww but Moooooommmyyyy I HAVE to tell you!!!' He's made it onto the bed and is gesticulating wildly, bouncing on his knees.

'Fine...' Loki sighs, elbowing Thor in an attempt to wipe the grin off his annoyingly cheerful face. 'Tell me what, baby?'

'We're going to an airshow, me and Fenfen and Nanny Frigga and Grumpy Odin and the Blue thingies are gonna do tricks in jets and there'll be cotton candy and...' he gulps a breath ' _Mommy, we're going to see Iron Man!!!_ ' The boy looks ready to explode.

'Iron Man? Well aren't you a lucky pup!' Loki beams as Sleipnir nods and bounces more.

'Yyyeeeeeessss!!!! Lucky lucky luuucky!!!'

'You'd best go and get ready then, hmm? You don't want to miss anything; these things start early, Sleipi!' Loki tells him seriously. It sems to work because the boy gasps, eyes wide and dashes from the room, calling on his little brother to hurry – though in reality, he would be helping Fen to dress in any case. Thor can't contain his mirth any longer and chortles as the little feet pound off down the hall.

'Grumpy Odin....brilliant...' A pillow hits him full in the face.

'Oh shut up, you. We'll never hear the end of this now...'

The pillow makes a return trip, connecting with the side of Loki's head. 'Bastard!!!' He pounces and tries in vain to pin Thor -which he manages for a fleeting moment, straddling his hips – only to have the great golden man grin up at him infuriatingly and roll with ease to reverse their positions. Just to irritate Loki further, he plants a brief kiss on the tip of his nose.

'Stop that! You...you...OAF!!!' That only has the effect of Thor laughing raucously and then kissing him again, on the lips this time. Loki tries to keep up the pretense of disinterest, but soon relents and kisses back just as fervently.

The respite is short lived though, as a wail of frustration from Sleipnir, echoing down the hall, interrupts them once more. They break apart , sighing but smiling, and Thor gallantly leaps into action.

'I'll go' he says, pressing another quick peck affectionately on Loki's nose and earning himself a flick at his ear. He dodges adeptly though, and quckly dons a pair of sweats to find out what the problem is. Loki is left in a rumpled sprawl among the covers, looking after him.

His nights have been...oddly peaceful since dispatching his father. No nightmares. No dreams. Nothing at all – only empty darkness, comfortably numb and void. The man that haunted him in life seems to have become silent in death...though there are moments...just moments when flashes of his gory demise rear up in Loki's mind, unbidden and startling. _That's a small enough price to pay_...He thinks, throwing back the sheets and trying to out it out of his mind. _Better that than endless fear of him....and of what could happen to my boys._.. He pads through to the en-suite, stifling a yawn and clicks open the locked cabinet that houses his stash. _First thing's first_...He's developed a little routine here; he takes out his stash kit and settles on the toilet, facing the cistern. He lays everything out on his makeshift flat surface and prepares a hit. Everything's kept so clean he has no qualms about it, and besides, it makes things easier when you're still half asleep. Assessing the two lines he's arranged, he thinks for a moment and adds a third. _This should see off the boogieman_... Thor hasn't yet broached the subject of quitting again, and Loki is fine with that. Just for a little longer, just for now.

 

 

Over breakfast there is more excitement – apparently the cause of the earlier distress from Sleipnir was traced to a very grumpy Fen, who crawled back under the covers every time Sleipnir shifted his attention for a moment; determined that he was quite happy curled up sleeping, thank you very much. The issue had been resloved with a very patient Thor promising a lie-in and even breakfast in bed the following day. Oh, and a piggy-back ride down to breakfast.

Loki's skull feels buzzy by the time he joins the others and although he's in a relatively good mood, his temper seems somewhat short, the little signs of irritability are loud and clear to Thor – almost every time Sleipnir pipes up with another piece of trivia about his favourite hero, there's something; a twitch of the eye, a tap of his fingers on the counter. It's clearly not something Loki is over enthused about.

Thor reaches over and takes Loki's hand, stilling his fidgeting digits.

'...so we thought it might be nice for you two to have the place to yourselves for a little while.' Frigga concludes, sipping her coffee. Loki seems to only just realise that shehad been speaking, so Thor answers swiftly.

'Yeah, that's great, Mom – thanks. ' He smiles and squeezes Loki's hand 'Just a quiet day, hmm?'

Loki smiles and nods

'Y-yes, oh yes, that would be lovely...' His eyes flicker between Frigga and Thor and he rises to pour himself a cup of the fresh java. He hangs back from the rest of the meal, sipping his coffee and leaning back against the counter; observing the conversation but avoiding being drawn into it. He seems distant throughout, and when the plates are being cleared, Thor takes the opportunity to check on him.

'You seem out of sorts baby – you ok?' he asks, placing a pile of used crockery down on the counter beside his fiancee. Loki gives a brittle smile and a quick nod, and goes back to sipping his coffee. Thor knows better than to press a point when he's in this sort of delicate mood – anything could tip him one way or another and it's safest to allow Loki to settle within himself before trying to talk about anything. Instead, Thor nods in aknowledgement and continues to help prepare the children for their grand adventure of the day.

Sleipnir is so keen, he has managed to put his sneakers on already...albeit on the wrong feet and trailing the laces behind him. Even Fen has perked up now, giggling and burbling 'silly leipy' as Thor fixes the problem.

'Say bye-bye boys!' Frigga chirrups scooping up Fen, just as Thor finishes Sleipnir's laces.

'bababayyy!!!!' Fen shouts at the top of his lungs, looking very pleased with himself. Loki can't help smiling and coming over to give him a big cuddle and kiss.

'That's my good boy, Fen – yes you are.' A sharp tug on his jeans alert him to his older son, vying for praise too.

'Me too me too!!!' Sleipi is bopping up and down on his heels, one hand hooked into Loki's pocket. Beaming, Loki crouches and opens his arms to give Sleipnir a full embrace, peppering his cheeks with kisses.

'Yes you are! You're my big brave adventurer!' Sleipi nods and grins and then breaks away, running over to Thor and surprising him by hugging his leg.

'Bye-bye!' and as quick as he got there, he's off again, trotting back over to Frigga and leading them to the door. Odin follows behind with a couple of bags of supplies for the trip - a picnic and blankets among them - looking far from grumpy.

Once the door clicks shut behind them, Loki visibly sags. He jumps when Thor lays a hand on his shoulder, then shakes his head with a sigh at his own foolishness.

'Hey...it's only me...'

'I know, I'm sorry...I don't know what's with me today – I just feel like everything's ....Like I'm....' He searches for the words to describe this nebulous anxiety he's experiencing, but draws a blank. He lets out a long breath and lets his hands fall to his sides 'I don't know...'

Thor purses his mouth and draws him into his arms.

'It's ok.' he intones softly, stroking the soft jet hair back from Loki's face. They remain like that for a few, quiet moments; Loki just resting his head on Thor's chest, thinking of nothing in particular, trying to focus on the sensation of warmth from his embrace, the strong drumming of Thor's heart beneath his ribs...but it's no use. It's still there: that irritating buzz at the back of his mind that sets his teeth on edge. He needs to do something. Anything.

'Let's go out.'

'Really? We have the run of the place...' Thor sounds surprised.

'Yeah...no...yeah, let's go somewhere – I think I need to get out for a while.'

'Okay...well...' Thor leans down to kiss him, softly, lingering. Loki seems to relax a minute ammount as that familiar little spark of most welcome tension flares between them. Thor sways him with his hips, soothing and teasing simultaneously. '...where do you want to go?'

Loki bites his lip, trying to supress a half-smile and playfully bats his lover on the chest.

'You're mean.' Thor just smiles and kisses him again, lingering longer this time.

'Mmmh...' Loki sighs into it, letting his hands wander. He pullls away slightly, letting one hand rest lightly just at the juncture of Thor's thigh and pelvis – a spot he knows drives his beloved wild with wanting. 'But I can be meaner.' He flashes a grin and darts away, with renewed focus. 'Come on!'

'W-what?!' Thor gapes and throws his hands up in exasperation.

'We're going shopping.' There's something in Loki's tone and the sparkle in his eye that tells Thor this will _not_ be for groceries.

 

 

Around an hour later, Thor finds himself enjoying the experience rather less than he'd hoped. He's only ever been to places like this a couple of times before, in both instances as a teenager and on some childish bet. Now, as then, he feels utterly out of place and exposed – he may as well be naked it's that uncomfortable. He tries his best to hide it, but with every new item Loki bounds over with, he can feel himself turning a deeper shade of red. It's ass much as he can manage to nod and smile and try not to drop anything or destroy any of the ...artful displays.

' _Oh my GOD!!_!' This is the most excited Thor ever remembers seeing Loki – perhaps their first real date or the proposal came close, but this is sheer exuberant, unabashed revelry. He's like a kid in a toy store. Except he's a full grown man and this is not _that_ kind of toy store. Thor braces himself.

'Look, baby look!!! Isn't it gorgeous?!!' Loki is gripping his shirt, eagerly tugging him over to another set of mannequins posed in...

'Is....is that a bridle?'

' _YES!!!_ ' Loki is practically bouncing with glee and seems oblivious to Thor's discomfort. 'and look!!! They even have little tail plugs!!!!'

'uh......'

'Oh my god – if you like that you will _love_ what we just got in...' _Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse_ , Thor muses to himself as an equally enthusiastic assistant appears at Loki's side.

'Oh yeah? Show me!! Oooooh I love your boots!'

'Aw aren't you a sweetie, thank you! Here...' The voluptuous young lady crouches to unlock a drawer built into the base of the display unit and opens it, producing something black and very shiny. At first Thor can't make it out, but then she stands and hands what turns out to be two items to Loki. 'These aren't even priced up yet but aren't they amazing?!' Loki is actually silent and open mouthed for a moment, running his fingers over the glossy patent material.

'They....are.....beautiful!' he sounds as though he's speaking about a work of fine art rather than a pair of gloves that end in...

'Hooves? Really?' Thor blurts it out before he can stop himself. The look on Loki's face is one he knows all too well from Sleipnir. Wide eyed and hopeful, his expression speaks volumes. He's not going to leave here without them, Thor just knows it.

'What's up with squirmy?' The young lady asks Loki, not particularly quietly, looking right at Thor with a cheeky, lopsided smile.

'Oh – he's new to all this. I'll soon show him the _ropes_ though!' Loki replies, nudging her and giggling 'We're getting married, so he'll need to learn!' Thor wishes the ground would swallow him up.

'I...I don't...'

'Ooh congrats! Aw poor puppy – don't you worry, we'll get you sorted out before you..' she starts giggling through her own words, ' _tie the knot_...' Loki can't keep a straight face at all and dissolves into hysterics too as Thor sighs. _Bad bondage jokes now....great..._ he thinks _. Well...three can play at that game_. He picks up a riding crop and whips it through the air with a satisfying swoosh, landing it with a loud crack against his own thigh. The giggling stops abruptly and the pair stare at him with expressions of what seem to be surprise coupled with amusement and arousal.

'How much is this?' he asks earnestly in the stunned silence.

 

 

They spend most of the morning in the massive store – it's the biggest in the state and the range of toys, clothes, books and dvds is truly impressive. Loki chats amiably to the assisstant and relaly seems to hit it off with her – a really lively girl, unafraid and confident without being arrogant or judgemental. During the course of working their way through what seems to Thor like an endless array of 'specialist interest' areas – some of which he would never have believed existed if he hadn't seen them with his own eyes – it transpires that she is actually a social science major and had taken the part time shifts to pay her tuition. As it turns out, she loves it so much she's thinking of dropping out to go full time here instead. 'It's the most satisfying thing.' Thor overhears her telling Loki. 'You wouldn't know it, but this....it really brings people together, you know? It doesn't matter what the hell job you do or if you're a mayor or a god-damn hipster barrista – everyone's here for the same reason, pleasure... I think that's kinda beautiful.' Thor has to admit, she has a point.

By the time they're done, Thor is a lot more relaxed and even looking forward to trying out some of the toys and gadgets they've accumulated. He has even selected a book on the art of Shibari because he was so taken with the intricate knotwork. Darcy, the young assistant, gives Loki her number and the online site for the store and sneaks on a discount for several items, claiming them as 'display models.' It's so good to see Loki genuinely at ease wwith someone, it really gives Thor hope that perhaps this will develop into a real friendship for him. They even hug as they say goodbye, Thor laden with bags. Loki practically skips over to him, taking his arm and squeezing it as they leave, a broad smile on his face.

' _Bye, Puppy!_ ' Darcy calls after them.

'Puppy – I like that...' Loki grins.

'Don't even think about it.' Thor really hopes he's kidding, but it would be just like him to call him that for the sole purpose of winding him up.

'Ugh I'm _starving_ – where's good to eat around here?' Loki chirps, planting a kiss on Thor's cheek.

'There's a cute little bistro about a block away – what are you in the mood for?'

'Anything' Loki shrugs 'Everything. I don't know, but lots of it.'

'You really worked up that much of an appetite, huh?!' Thor retorts beaming 'Ok – let me just stash these in the car and we'll get you fed.'

'Do they do pancakes?' Loki queries as the head for the car 'I could really go for pancakes – oooh and bacon...oh but eggs would be good too....'

'Loki?'

'Hmm?'

'You're vegetarian.'

'Yes yes' Loki waves a hand irritably ' But bacon, Thor - _bacon_....'

Thor chuckles, unlocking the trunk and setting the bags inside.

'Sometimes you just have to have bacon. Are you laughing at me? Stop laughing! I'm serious!' He bats at Thor's shoulder as he's locking the car again, though he still has a wide smile on his lips.

'You can have whatever you like.' Thor takes his arm and steers them toward the bistro, 'As long as you don't blame me for it afterwards.'

Loki gives an exaggurated gasp of horror, going so far as to lay a hand melodramatically against his chest.

'How could you ever think I would do such a thing!!' they both share a laugh and wander most of the rest of the way in a comfortable silence.

Or at least, that's how it seems for Thor until he gradually becomes aware of a slight increase in the pressure on his arm and, glancing over, can see that Loki's gait has become less easy, there's a tension in his whole body that hadn't been there moments before and his face has fallen into that blank, hollow-eyed expression that so often comes as a prelude to his darker moods. It's only for a fraction of a second though, for as soon as Loki becomes aware of Thor's attention, he attempts to recapture the bright mood of before. He manages very well, and to most he would seem just as content, but Thor can see the cracks in his armour, the slight dullness persisting in his eyes. Sometimes, it passes. Forcing things never helps, so Thor takes his usual tack of trying to behave as normally as possible, hoping to divert his lovers mind back to a more pleasant path before the storm descends further or, worse still, engulfs him entirely.

 

 

The roar of the jet engines is overwhelming, vibrating deep through earth and up to reverberate through flesh and bone – it feels enough to make teeth rattle and hair stand on end. At first poor Fen had been terrified, screaming and howling at the thunderous noise – thankfully that had changed when Sleipnir insisted on climbing down from his perch on Odin's shoulders, in order to cuddle his little brother and show him where to look.

Of course Frigga had tried, but Fen was so much more responsive to his sibling; even just Sleipnir taking his little hand had calmed him somewhat. Now, Odin had found them a perfect vantage point; the boys sat on an embankment, a little way back from the action but high enough to have a clear view. Sleipnir sits with his legs spread in a wide V, with little Fen settled in the middle, now happily clapping and pointing at the aerial acrobatics. Bribing him with the promise of cotton-candy later on surely helped too.

The display is breathtaking, many of the aircraft are astonishing simply for their sheer size and power – Sleipnir particularly likes the Harrier which demonstrates a vertical take off and moves into a slow, balletic pirouette with it's nose directed at the ground ('like those birds that dance for each other' as he puts it); for Fen, it's a Chinook that makes him bounce excitedly and make 'wokka-wokka-wokka' noises (or more akin to 'wogga-ogoggagogaa' in trying to mimic Odin).

The Blue Angels are coming to a dramatic finale, trailing red, white and blue smoke as they loop and twirl in perfect synchronicity – both boys...and Odin, in fact, are completely mesmerized by the spectacular sight. Frigga on the other hand, derives more pleasure from watching their reactions, sneakily taking photographs – more of them than the air-show itself.

The music is building to a climax and the blue jets are lining up for the big finish – looking as though they will all converge in a terrible fireball right over the center of the airfield. Frigga smiles and sets the camera to record, in anticipation of the moment she knows is fast approaching. The boys are still and tense, holding their breath and watching open-mouthed as the speeding planes tear through the sky, still heading for that same spot – closing quicker and quicker when - _WHOOSH!_ They veer off at the last possible second, trailing their smoke in the pattern of a huge firework; and straight up the center, a red and gold streak....that comes to a stop about a hundred feet up and then slowly descends, the music booming into an oh-so-familiar riff.

 _'IRON MAN!!!!!_ ' Sleipi shrieks, eyes wide, waving his hands wildly in sheer elation. Fen turns to the camera with a surprised expression, bunny dangling by one soggy ear from his mouth and then proceeds to bounce and clap, to Frigga's utmost delight.

 

 

 

Thor remains jovial and up-beat as they're seated and given menus, but it just doesn't seem to be working this time – Loki is already losing the energy to keep up the facade, mumbling excuses and telling Thor just to order something for him, 'just whatever, I don't care,' before he mutters something too quiet for Thor to even make sense of, pushes back his chair and heads swiftly for the rest-room. Thor sighs to himself, concerned. _Just give him a few minutes, he might just need some quiet._..he tells himself, shifting uneasily in his seat.

He orders for the both of them, pancakes with bacon and syrup – but with the bacon on the side in case Loki had changed his mind – a full mixed breakfast platter and an omelette, just in case, with coffee and fresh orange juice to wash it down. Loki still hasn't returned by the time it arrives. Thor has a clear line of sight to the rest-room – no-one has followed him in, he's sure – but all the same he can't help worrying.

Just when he thinks he can't stand it any longer and is about to go through to check on him, Loki reappears, looking more relaxed and much happier. Much, much happier, actually... and a little...off...

He pauses on his way back to their table to fuss and coo effusively over a baby of around six months or so – the mother is clearly uncomfortable and although she doesn't say anything, tries to just tolerate him until he moves on, her expression is almost painful. Loki, glancing up, suddenly rounds on the poor woman.

'Oh I see – I see you, I know what you think, it's all over your face! Well fuck you! I'm not trash! I've got kids too, just _fuck you, lady!_ ' he storms back toward their table, leaving the infant wailing and the mother looking close to tears. Thor is up like a shot, trying to take his arm and steer him away and apologizing to the woman at the same time.

'Get _off!_ '

'I'm so sorry miss – low blood sugar...' it's a lame excuse and Thor knows it but it's the best he could manage while wrangling Loki too. Not that Loki concedes to being guided – shrugging off Thor's hand and plopping down into his seat, arms crossed like some hormonal adolescent. A waiter has come over to check on the lady with the baby, but she seems to be assuring him that she's fine. Loki is casting an eye over the food and looks as though he's been presented with a bowl of live maggots and a spoon.

'This looks disgusting.' he comments, fishing cigarettes from a jacket pocket.

'Loki come on, you were famished a whole what ten, twenty minutes ago?! You can't smoke in here....'

'Fuck you.' Loki lights up anyway and Thor groans – this is not going well.

'Come on, you said you don't fancy the food, let's just go, hmm?' Thor tries a different tack, getting up and counting out some money to cover their untouched meal. Loki blows smoke in his face and leans back, kicking his feet up onto the table with a clatter.

A second staff member heads over rapidly and makes the mistake of approaching not Thor, but Loki.

'Sir, I really have to ask you to - ' The poor young mans face is akin to Munch's most famous painting and Thor realizes to his horror that Loki is grinning widely, one hand firmly gripping the waiter's crotch.

'oooh, ask me, big boy -go on!' he starts to giggle as Thor looms over, clearly intending to intervene. He grabs Loki's wrist, and he lets go - much to the young man's relief – rounding on Thor instead.

'You don't own me! You can't tell me what to do! ' He's yelling now, high-pitched and eyes wild. Thor tightens his grip and steers him outside, voicing apologies and a leaving a small pile of bills on the table. Once out in the street, Loki breaks free and shoves Thor hard on the chest, only to grab him roughly by the shirt and pull him into a fierce kiss.

Thor pries him away, hands braced on his shoulders and looks at him coolly.

'How much did you take?' he asks softly. Loki shrugs and tries to pull him in again.

'Enough to put me in the mood baby, just enjoy the ride!' Loki's eyes are unfocussed now, his grin lopsided and he stumbles against Thor, giggling. 'Ooooooohhh! Hmmmm come ooooon let's play with the new toys!!!!'

'Loki, no – I thought you were cutting down, I thought we were really getting somewhere - and now this?!' Loki responds with a dirisive noise and a scrunch of his nose, still leaning heavily into Thor.

'S'not that bad! S'good! I'm good. I'm _awesome_.'

'Let's get you home.' Thor's unwillingness to play along has Loki frustrated and fuming.

'You're a fucking spoilsport, you know that? You... you're you don't get to tell me what to do!' he's aiming flailing arms at Thor now, yelling again as the big man restrains him.

'You promised, Loki, you promised me and the boys...'

'I need it, you fucker! _I need it!_ ' Loki's hand connects and his fingernails rake across Thor's cheek, with enough force to draw blood. Thor decides enough is enough and grabs him about the waist, pinning his arms to his sides and lifting him, to carry him kicking and screaming the rest of the way back to the car. Loki is still struggling violently and, at a loss for any other option, Thor pins him against the car with his body-weight and searches desperately through the bags with one hand.

'What are you doing? Get off me you fucking fuck!! I hate you!' Loki's eyes widen at the feel of cold metal closing around his wrists with a soft click.

'I'm sorry baby' Thor's voice is low and genuinely remorseful, but that only serves to infuriate Loki all the more.

'Sorry?? Sorry??!! You fucking will be!!!' Thor looks utterly dejected as he wrangles his resentful lover into the passenger seat and fixes the safety belt securely, talking calmly all the while.

'We can't risk a run in with the cops baby, you know that – I have to get you home somehow without you injuring one or both of us...I'm sorry...'

Eventually realising that resisting is only making his throat and arms sore, Loki settles a little or at least grows quiet and sullen, looking much like Fenrir when Thor glances over – well, Fen when he's fussy and overtired.

He says nothing when they arrive back at the house and Thor unclips the seat-belt. For a moment Thor thinks he's going to refuse to get out, but instead he speaks very quietly, avoiding eye-contact, again much like a child who knows he's been naughty but resents acknowledging it.

'Can you help me out please?' If it had been one of the boys misbehaving, it would almost have been comical – but this is just heartbreaking to Thor, every second of it. Nevertheless, he helps his fiancee out and into the house, going quickly to their room before anyone can see the cuffs.

Closing the door behind them, Thor's shoulders sag and he turns back to face a now tired-looking Loki, who still won't meet his gaze.

'Will you take them off now?'

'Are you going to hit me again?'

Loki shrugs.

'I don't know. Maybe. If you deserve it.'

Thor nods, coming closer.

'Do I deserve it right now?'

'.....no.'

Taking Loki's wrists gently, Thor releases first one hand then the other, rubbing softly at the red marks the metal cuffs have bitten into Loki's skin. He sets the cuffs down on the nightstand and sits on the bed, watching Loki massage his wrists and bite at the inside of his cheek nervously.

'So... no cutting back.' Thor already knows, but he has to check; he has to hear it from Loki.

'.....no.'

'Have you been using more?' Loki's eyes dart evasively away and Thor has his answer. He closes his eyes and his head falls forward in mute reluctant acceptance. 'It has to stop.'

'I can't Thor! I can't!' Even without looking up, he can hear tears in Loki's voice. He sounds helpless, hopeless. 'I just can't ...I'm sorry....I'm ....I'm not strong enough' the last word ends in a barely restrained sob.

'Yes you are.' Thor rises and gently envelops Loki in his arms, feeling him let go and lean into his embrace. 'You are, I know you are.'

His lover's voice is muffled and shaky but the sentiment is clear. '.... _can't....just fail....always....can't do it._...' Thor does his best to comfort him, kissing and stroking his hair, cradling his shaking form – until five words filter through the crying that pierce his heart to the core '.. _.they're better off without me.._.' It's like a physical blow to Thor and he reacts swiftly, barely even thinking.

He sweeps Loki up into a carry before he can so much as protest and with a vehement ' _No_ ' sets off down the hall. He stops at the door of the boys' room and sets Loki down quietly. Without a word, he pushes the door ajar slightly so Loki can see them playing. Sleipnir, as it happens is making up a story with lego for Fen, who is watching enthralled and chewing on his bunny's ear.

'...and THEN the dinosaur would go RAWR! But Mommy would say “BAD DINO! NO PANCACKES FOR YOU!!” and it would be sad and go away, and we would have all the pancakes, the end. No wait – then a pirate...' he trails off, and leaps up, having caught sight of Loki through the door.

Caught off guard, as the door is flung wide and Sleipnir throws his arms about him in a fierce hug, Loki almost starts crying anew.

'Mommmyyy!!!! Come see!!' He allows himself to be hauled inside and sits cross legged with the boys as Sleipnir explains the saga of the dinosaur and the pancakes – with Fen adding important footnotes, such as 'Ba' and 'pamcake'. Thor comes in quietly to join them and simply sits beside his beloved. As the little boy continues to talk entusiastically, Thor watches the change in Loki. His eyes shine with pride and love - despite the sadness that still lurks deeper - and an earnest smile tugs at his lips. He knows for sure that he made the right call when Loki's hand reaches for his own; their fingers intertwine and finally, Loki meets his eyes. Just briefly – just for a second; but long enough to give Thor a barely perceptible nod and squeeze his hand, mouthing ' _Thank you_ ,' before turning his attention back to his two adoring sons.


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Embarking on a new beginning...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment or review if you can, I am still a writing beginner!
> 
> My deepest thanks as always for joining me on this Saga.

                                                                                                                                                

 

He's running, fast and hard into the night. The only sounds are those of the breeze whipping by, his own gasping breath, and the pounding of his feet on the asphalt. Gone are the high, elegant heels, lost somewhere in mud some ways back - abandoned for the crime of impeding him. His feet are bloody and torn but he stopped feeling that a while ago now. His only thought is escape. His only purpose: run.

Past and present blur and flash randomly in his minds eye, flashes of all the other times he's run - had to, needed to - he hasn't the focus to spare to orient himself in time and space; he only knows that he's running, _therefore he must keep running_. If he stops....if he stops....terrible images flash through his memory, pain stabs in his gut as his body too recalls Things That Happen When You Don't Run Fast Enough... On and on....his legs are numb, he feels detached from his body; his vision is blurred and he no longer knows just where he is... _.It doesn't matter.....only running matters...._

He hears shouting somewhere behind ... _.no....no please..... KEEP GOING_.....his lungs are burning with the effort and he can feel his knees threatening to give out with every impact of heel to ground but he doesn't care, nothing else matters...this is all there is, the only chance he has....

'Come home, Loki.'

Laufey's voice rasps into his ear, close enough to feel the breath on his neck.

He's whirling, screaming and hitting out wildly, blind with fear and panic; rough hands are grabbing him, restraining him...he screams again, this time in agony as searing pain shoots behind his eyes....before merciful darkness washes over him.

 

 

It has taken an hour to find him and both Thor and Odin to keep hold of him in his delirium. Thor had hoped speaking to him would calm him but instead, no sooner than he started, Loki flew into a frenzy - he seemed terrified. He fought them wildly for a few seconds before passing out, fortunately in Thor's grasp.

With Loki secured in the back seat, the drive back is tense and quiet.

Eventually Odin is the one to break the terse silence.

'It can't go on like this.'

'I know Dad.' Thor sighs, keeping his eyes fixed on the road ahead.

'You gave him a chance, Thor. It's been nearly a month. It's time.' There's no malice in Odin's voice, just a quiet sincerity. 'For the boys' sake as much as anything. It's not fair on them to have to see it.'

Thor nods, resigned. He had so hoped they could avoid this but...he knows that his father is right. It's better the kids don't see Loki fall apart.

'I'll tell him when he wakes.'

Odin nods. 'And I'll put the call out. Fandral and Hogun should at least be free to sort things out.' The older man tries to sound confident and reassuring. 'It's for the best, lad.'

Thor can't bring himself to answer. The thought of seperating Loki and the boys is painful even to contemplate. He clenches his jaw and drives on.

 

 

 

A strong smell of fresh coffee seeps into Loki's awareness before anything else. For a moment he thinks he's been dreaming, dreaming of running - but then he tries to stretch and yelps in pain. His muscles feel as though they are pierced through with jagged glass that drags through them with every motion. His feet feel raw and swollen, his mouth painfully dry. His body feels as responsive as lead and equally as heavy. He doesn't need to raise a hand to know that it would be shaking badly. He slowly eases his eyes open. Everything is dark and blurry...not right somehow...

't-Thor?' he croaks, straining to prop himself up on his elbow.

'I'm here baby.' A warm hand on his arm is a reassuring weight. 'It's ok...'

Loki blinks a few times - things are still swimming but he can make more out little by little.

'I.....I was running...'

'I know.'

'You...found me?'

'Yes.'

'.....I'm sorry....' There is a pause. It makes Loki's heart falter in it's rhythm. _Why doesn't Thor say something?....He always says something.....Something to make it better._...As his eyes regain more focus, he can make out the dour expression Thor is wearing.

'Thor?....What's going on?' His heart is in his throat.

'We can't do this anymore. It's not fair on anyone.'

'No....please...just give me another week...'

'Loki it's not enough. It's going to get worse and you know it.' He sighs deeply, taking his lover's hand. ' Do you really want to put the boys through seeing you like that?'

Blinking back tears, Loki shakes his head.

'N-no...'

'Then we have to do this.'

'What if I can't Thor?! What if it kills me?!'

'I won't let that happen.'

'I....I don't want to leave them...'

'I know. We talked about this. Mom and Dad will take them away, do all the fun stuff with them, keep them busy and happy...for them it will go quickly.' Thor is stroking little circles over the back of Loki's hand with the pad of his thumb.

'And...and we can call them right? When I'm up to it?' Loki asks in a small, tremulous voice.

'Yes, of course.'

Loki seems to think for a few moments. Eventually, when he speaks again, it gives Thor new hope.

'....I want to get clean....I want to get better....for them....for us.' Thor can't help gently drawing him into a tender kiss at that.

'I'll be there every step of the way baby.'

'They....they were the best thing that ever happened to me...and now you...and.....I....'

'Shhh it's ok...'

'No you don't get it...' Loki looks frustrated, tired. 'I never planned on Fen and Sleipi but I love them so much....and....I...I feel like maybe one day I would ..... _want_ to ....plan.....if....if.....'

He trails off, faltering, not daring to look at Thor, afraid of rejection. Instead though, Thor's gentle fingers guide his chin up again, and his warm, soft lips meet Loki's. When he pulls back, Thor's eyes are shining.

 

 

 

Arrangements are made over the next few days; Odin and Frigga set about planning a real holiday to remember for the boys, making sure to fill the next couple of months with excitement and adventure. They map out a route across half the country, scheduling sightseeing, interactive adventures and of course plenty of time at the major theme parks - but most especially Disney. There is one slight surprise among the announcements - rather touchingly, Sleipnir tells them that he would rather not go to the sea parks because - as he puts it - 'the whales must be sad without their friends, and they should let them go home.' They take those off the itenerary and agree that Thor can take them to visit the whales out in the wild again after they get home.

Loki is subdued and careful, letting Thor supervise him in having small doses of TC - just enough to stay functional for the kids and to manage their own journey. A party consisting of Hogun, Fandral and Volstagg was dispatched in advance, to make preparations for what will be a tumultuous withdrawal period at one of the Odinsons' country properties.

Up in the mountains, it's quite a drive but it's tucked away - very peaceful and tranquil; a perfect setting for recovery - and very importantly, there will be nowhere within miles that Loki can get hold of any TC. Thor's faithful friends have a number of instructions for making the place as secure and safe as possible - including adding locks to a number of the doors and removing access to potentially dangerous areas like the upper balcony and roof - ahead of their arrival. In addition to the modifications, they will be stocking the place with ample bottled water and easy to prepare (and digest) foods. The idea being that once Thor and Loki arrive, they do not need to leave until Loki is well into the other side of withdrawal and safe to do so.

Thor has been on the phone to a friend of the family quite frequently - who apparently lives out that way and has a medical background - in order to try and prepare himself for the tall task ahead. Loki is still very uncomfortable with the thought of any doctor but concedes the necessity of at least having precautionary measures in place, should an emergency arise. Thor assures him that this particular doctor has proven trustworthy many times over, doing work for injured MC members with no questions asked and keeping strict confidentiality. He seems to be doing a reasonable job of readying Thor though - Loki doesn't even raise an eyebrow when he sees him packing some of the restraints they had originally intended as playthings. He's already come close to breaking his nose on a couple of occasions, and as for hurting himself.....well.... his still healing feet can attest to his disregard for his own safety.

The boys are due to set off with Frigga and Odin a little ahead of Thor and Loki's relocation to the countryside, the general feeling being that if everyone sets off at once it could be a bit much for them. Loki doesn't think it will make much of a difference to the boys but from his own point of view, he knows that he'll have trouble holding himself together to say goodbye - if he were trying to psyche himself up for their own trip at the same time, he'd most likely upset both himself and his children.

The moment finally arrives rather quietly, in the early light of a sunny morning; Odin finished loading the car the night before and Frigga is already bustling around the kitchen, readying the last of the sandwiches and snacks for the journey.

Loki hasn't slept at all. He and Thor ended up with two very tired and excitable boys joining them for the night and although they eventually tired themselves out and drifted off, Loki couldn't stand to. He spent the hours watching them, softly stroking their hair every now and then, committing every detail to memory. This was hampered somewhat by the occasional explosively loud snore from Thor, which made him jump every time. How he normally sleeps through _that_ , he has no idea.

Of course, the moment he closed his eyes to rest them for a moment was the very second Thor's alarm went off and....well... as soon as Sleipnir realised that he was, in fact awake and that it was indeed the first day of their trip, he was wide awake and bouncing his brother into consciousness too.

Bracing himself, Loki opens his eyes and musters his best smile for the morning ahead.

'Come on then, trouble!' Thor mumbles, blearily rising and scooping up the hyperactive boy. 'Let's get you two dressed.' Sleipnir shows his agreement by wriggling out of his grasp and running full-tilt down the hallway to the room he and Fen usually share.

'Thank you.' It's so quiet that Thor almost doesn't hear it as he's hoisting a giggling Fen to his hip. Loki's eyes are red-rimmed but sincere. Thor smiles in acknowledgement - it's going to be a tough morning for his beloved and he'll do what he can to ease him through it.

 

 

 

 

Breakfast is a whirlwind of a meal - Sleipnir only eats half a slice of toast before declaring he's finished and it's time to go. Loki manages to smile at his forthright demands and bargain with him until he agrees to another half slice and some eggs.

Saying it was the law that you have to have a proper meal before long trips was a little white lie he'd worry about correcting later. It was almost too much when Fen waved his small plastic spoon emphatically at Sleipnir and with a very serious face declared 'LAW.'

Loki could see Thor trying not to laugh out of the corner of his eye, but somehow managed to keep a straight face.

It is over quickly though - too quickly for Loki's taste - and he finds himself at a loss amidst a flurry of last-minute activity. He stands almost paralysed, watching the children fetching their favourite toys and Sleipnir helping Fen with his shoes.....a warm hand on his shoulder and soft kiss on his cheek bring him out of himself.

'It's going to be alright.' Thor says quietly, just to him. 'In the long run, you'll be spending so much more quality time with them. You're doing it for them.'

'I need you to promise me that you'll do whatever it takes.' Loki's voice is steady. They've had this discussion before, but he needs to hear it again. 'and...whatever happens, whatever I do or say when I'm coming down...' He feels Thor squeeze his shoulder '...never doubt that I love you.'

Thor kisses his cheek again and murmurs into his ear.

'I promise. Me too ok?' Loki nods.

'Sleipnir!!' Frigga's voice rings out 'What are you up to?! Aren't you going to say bye-bye?!'

She's at the door and they can see Sleipi's legs and bottom as he's half scrambled into the car already. He reverses and stands looking mortified.

'OH NO!!' He is a portrait of remorse. 'MOMMY I'M SORRY!!' He comes running back toward the house, arms wide, and Loki meets him halfway in a huge hug. 'I'm sorry mommy, i forgetted you're not coming...I'm sorry...' The poor little soul is on the verge of tears.

'Oh baby, hey - it's ok!' Loki kisses his cheek and brushes his hair back, 'You were just so excited about your adventure, you never really forgot me!' The little boy flings his arms about Loki's neck and holds on tight.

'I love you mommy. I wish you could come too.'

'I know baby...I know' Loki holds his boy close. 'Next time, I promise.'

Sleipnir breaks the hug and kisses Loki's cheek.

'Kay. Next time we all goes.'

Loki nods, smiling.

'I love you baby, you be good for Nanny and Grumps and look after Fenfen for me.' The little boy nods 'Promise.' he turns to trot back to the car, turns again halfway to run back and give Loki a final hug, then Thor - more as an afterthought, but Thor didn't mind that - and finally to the car again for real.

Frigga brings Fen over to have a little cuddle before strapping him into his carseat, and Loki nearly cries then, but Thor's hand on his back is his anchor and he manages to hold together a few moments longer. When Fen is lifted away again, he tries to take some of Loki's hair with him and that has everyone chuckling as they untangle his pudgy, surpisingly strong little fist. As Frigga carries him to the car, he begins to wave both his arms and starts babbling away happilly, eyes fixed on his mother. Just before Frigga ducks down to seat him, he scrunches his nose and mouth as if mimicking a kiss and gives a loud _'Bababay Mamaamaaa!!!'_ Loki has to cling to Thor for support at that. Even so he manages to grip tight, smiling and waving until the car and the waving boys turn the corner out of sight, before crumpling into Thor's embrace in tears.

 

 

 

Once back in the house, Loki starts to root around the sparse kitchen, muttering and fumbling with plates as he tries to organise some food for himself.

'I thought you weren't hungry?' Thor queries, attempting to help and being swatted away itrritably.

'I felt too sick to eat, there's a difference.' Loki sighs and leans heavily on the counter. 'Seeing them go...we've never been apart like this, you know? A night or two but...' he bites his lip and goes to the fridge, eyeing what little food is left in there.

'I know. Why don't I do you som-'

'It's fine, Thor!!' Loki's voice is almost shrill, on the verge of hysteria 'I can manage to make _scrambled – bloody -eggs!!!'_ He's trembling a little and Thor can sense he's on the verge of tears again. He opts to back off, allow him the space to take it out on the eggs - which, after all, need to be beaten; frankly something Thor could do without before a long drive - and starts to pack their things into their own car.

The clattering and swearing in the kitchen continues for a little while, but becomes rather quiet around Thor's third trip down from their room. Stopping and setting the last bags at the foot of the stair, he ventures back to the kitchen to find Loki, elbows on the breakfast bar, chin in his hands, staring balefully at a plate of rather nice looking scramble and toast.

'What's wrong? Looks like it turned out ok...' Thor asks, cautiously approaching.

Loki heaves a deep sigh.

'I don't want them any more.' He prods at them sullenly with a fork. 'Took me so long I'm fed up of them now.' he laments, looking up at Thor as if to ask whether he might be going insane

. 'Ah, I see. The age-old cooking conundrum.' Thor sits next to him, putting an arm about his waist and scutinising the eggs alongside him. 'Only one thing for it.'

'What?'

'We have to switch eggs. How about snake or crocodile for a change? Ostrich maybe? Platypus? Wait...do they lay eggs?' Loki can't help cracking a smile and lobbing a balled up dish-towel at Thor.

'Or we could eat on the road?!' He smirks, rising and disposing of the offending eggs.

'Or that, yes.' Thor chimes in 'We could do that.' He's grinning and Loki rolls his eyes, turning to rinse the dishes and take the trash out.

'Just finish loading the car, idiot!' T

hor's distraction tactic works and Loki even gets finished and into the passenger seat of his own accord after that. Secretly, Thor is rather pleased with himself – proud of his beloved too, of course, but he allows himself a small pat on the back in any case.

 

 

 

The journey itself is long and dull, the only minor excitement being an enormous storm front closing over their little blue sedan, turning day to night and forcing them to pull over for a while to picnic as they wait for the torrential rain to ease. It's so loud on the roof and windshield that they give up on conversation, mutely nibbling at their sandwiches and exchanging awed looks as the lightening flashes outside. They huddle together in the back seat, once they're done with the snack, Loki sitting askew with his long legs draped over Thor's lap and nestling into the crook of his arm. He even sleeps for a little while, as they sit there, Thor's soft caresses lulling him into rest.

When he awakes, the rain has stopped - but it is still dark and there is still a little rumbling. As he comes to, rubbing his eyes, he realises that they're on the move again and that his head is resting on a folded jacket, rather than Thor. He blinks blearily and shifts to see that Thor is, in fact up front and driving. He must have settled Loki in the back and left him to rest.

'What time is it?' Loki half yawns, stretching.

'Mmm 8.30 -ish...Hello sleepyhead.' Loki can see the edge of a smile from Thor and the telltale crinkling at the corner of his eyes in the rear view mirror.

'Mmph.' Loki mumbles into his makeshift pillow '....just a bit longer...' He wriggles a little and drifts off again within seconds.

Thor ponders how long Loki will be able to sleep peacefully before the withdrawal really kicks in. He's done all the reading and forum-surfing his brain can handle and he just hopes it will be enough to see them through the worst of it.

Watching Loki snuggle down again in the back, he knows they have a long hard task ahead of them, and as he drives he plays out again in his mind exactly what he what he ought to do in any given situation. All the reading and mental roleplaying in the world can only give you so much of an advantage. He knows that his biggest weakness will be staying firm and denying Loki for as long as it takes. He hated having to restrain him even for the short while after the incident at the cafe but he knows that there is a distinct possibility he will have to resort to it again - either for his own safety or, potentially, Loki's.

The scenery changes around him as the hours creep by, becoming less noticeable as the dark of true night descends; by the time Loki awakes, they are driving through woodland dense with pine, a clear and star-filled night visible the narrow strip of sky between the trees to either side.

'Fuck... my head' comes the plaintive moan from the back seat.

Glancing in the rear view, Thor can see Loki is alternately rubbing at his eyes and pressing his palms to his temples.

'You need some aspirin?' He starts to look for a place to pull over safely.

'Please. Anything.' Loki mumbles, slowly sitting up.

The road is quiet, Thor hasn't seen another car in almost an hour now, and he just opts for gently steering them to one side into a small passing place and sticking the hazards on. He retrieves water and aspirin from the overnight bag and sits in the back, giving them to Loki and rubbing his back.

'You're doing well baby.' Loki takes the tablets and a long drink before answering.

'This is nothing. You know that, right?' He squints at Thor, with a serious expression. 'It's going to be bad.'

Thor sighs and nods - honestly he is still holding out a vain hope that perhaps it won't hit him as hard as others somehow.

'I know.'

Loki searches his face in the low light from the dash for a long moment.

'I'm not sure you do, but ok.' He takes another long drink. 'How far is it now anyway?'

'Another couple of hours. We should be there by morning at this rate.'

'Mmph.' Loki is clinging to the bottle of water, eyes closed again in a frown of pain.

'You think you might be able to sleep again baby? Or you want to come up front for a while?' Thor asks, stroking his hair and tucking a stray strand back behind his ear. Loki sits quietly for a moment, just breathing, before he replies.

'I think I'm better lying down.' He looks up at his concerned fiancée apologetically 'Sorry.'

'Hey, no - it's OK baby' Thor coos and presses a light kiss to his temple. 'I'll be fine, you just get as comfy as you can OK? I'll wake you when we get there.' Loki looks a little apprehensive. 'Baby? What is it?'

'I...I just...' Loki worries at his lip 'This is for real. It's really happening - I never thought....I'm _scared_...'Thor sighs and draws him into his arms, much as they had settled during the storm.

'It _is_ for real, and it _is_ scary but I promise we'll get through it. Together. OK?' He feels Loki nod against his chest. 'I'm going to be right there with you the whole way. '

A very faint murmur of assent comes from where Loki's face is pressed against his shirt. From the pattern of his lover's breathing, Thor can tell he's close to sleep again and so he sits, softly stroking his arm and back until he's dozing soundly again, pulling up the plaid throw his mother always kept in the car for just such occasions, to cover them both. His mind begins to drift, listening to Loki's soft breathing, his eyes already heavy from the long drive...he needs to stay awake... and he will...he will...

 

 

_The sharp, sweet scent of fresh-cut grass fills his nostrils as he heaves a massive breath, drawing back his arm. He brings it hurtling forward, as hard as he can, releasing the fuzzy yellow ball to speed away over the park. It's a good one, he can tell even as he yells 'FETCH!!!' at the top of his lungs. Baldur is already leaping after it, tongue lolling and red fur rippling in the breeze as he bounds along. He's the best dog ever. Dad says he's getting old but he acts like a puppy, a big shaggy puppy. Odin had told him what breed he was once, a red...sitter? That would make sense, because he has red fur and he sits really well - he's a good boy. He jumps and claps with glee, seeing Baldur retrieve the ball and come galumphing back toward him, looking extremely excited. A small voice beside him and a tug on his sleeve draw his attention._

_'What are you doing?' The other boy is about 5, maybe 6 - not a big boy like Thor whose very nearly almost NINE which is very nearly almost TEN and that's practically grown up._

_'Escuse me? What are you doing?' the boy asks again, tugging insistently at Thor's arm. Baldur reaches them and drops the ball at Thor's feet, wagging his tail triumphantly. Thor realises that the smaller boy had sidled behind him a little, still holding his sleeve._

_'We're playing 'Fetch.' This is Baldur, he's friendly you don't need to be scared.'_

_The boy with the pale skin and strawberry blond curls creeps forward a bit._

_'Here, it's OK, look!' Thor encourages him, showing how Baldur likes to have his ears scratched. 'He's not scary!'_

_The little boy reaches out a nervous hand, and it does look tiny nearing Baldur's big shaggy head. Baldur turns to sniff the hand and the boy flinches and pulls back his hand with a startled squeak. Thor looks a bit puzzled but realises that he would probably be a bit scared too if he were still that small and didn't know this big dog. He puffs up his chest and says very firmly, 'SIT.' Baldur obeys, panting and wagging his tail. The little boy beside him gives a little 'oooooh!'_

_'LIE DOWN!' Thor commands, and to his credit, the dog does so, stretching out belly-up on the grass and still trying to wag his tail. A small giggle tells Thor that his plan is working._

_'Come on, you can pet him if you like!' He takes the boy's hand and leads him over to the patient hound. 'Like this, see?' He guides the boy's hand over the dog's soft belly fur and Baldur wriggles in approval. 'He likes you!' The boy smiles and strokes again._

_Looking around, Thor can't see any other grown ups - just his own Mom and Dad. He frowns._

_'Where is your Mommy and Daddy?'_

_The little boy looks up with clear green eyes, brimming with tears._

_'I....don't know...'_

_Thor decides very quickly what should happen and sits down, taking his hands._

_'Don't worry. I'll look after you. My name's Thor Bor Odinson, what's yours?'_

_The little boy smiles and wipes at his tears with the cuff of his pullover._

_'Loki....'_

_Baldur leaps up, bowling them both flat..._

 

 

With a start, Thor realises where he is...he must have drifted off...Yawning and looking down at Loki, still sleeping he muses on the dream. _I bet we would have been friends if we'd met back then_.... he thinks, stroking his lovers hair and settling him onto the back seat again. ... _we'd have been inseparable... if only_. He decides to leave that train of thought; it never happened and there's little good in dwelling on what trouble Loki may have been saved by a twist of fate. He needs to focus on the here and now. Still....it was a sweet thought....

 

 

 

A ringing noise and a hand on his shoulder rouse Loki from his slumber. It takes him a moment to realise that the ringing is in his ears and in fact, Thor is shaking him awake quite softly. He's speaking but Loki is not really taking it in...he's supposed to wake up is about all he has the energy to piece together. His head is still throbbing and, as he allows Thor to help him sit up slowly, he finds that the rest of his body seems to have decided that sounds like a good idea and has joined in. Everything hurts, the world is too bright...though something in the back of his mind tells him that it's barely even dawn, if they have in fact arrived. Thor asks something...he nods vaguely and allows himself to be half guided, half lifted from the car. His head swims at that and he has to reach out and steady himself, one hand on the car, the other grabbing Thor's shirt.

Right then, when Loki gropes unsteadily for support, that is when the true scale of things hits home to Thor. This is just the beginning, like Loki said only a few hours before, and it's only going to get worse. Loki is leaning heavily on him now and Thor hooks his arm under his legs and raises him into a carry. It bothers him when Loki doesn't protest, lying passively in his arms and gripping weakly at his clothes. He closes the car door with his foot and heads for the house.

Loki is aware of a crunching noise as he's carried, gravel perhaps under Thor's large boots...and green - a lot of green....There is a pause as Thor opens the door and then a sort of grayscale world envelopes him, it feels cool in here...then soft....

Laying his almost delirious lover on the large bed, Thor feels his heart ache. It's a beautiful place, but as per instructions, this room has been stripped back; only the bare essentials remain, in order to minimize risk. It looks rather sparse and cold, despite the large floor to ceiling windows that make up one wall. Perhaps with the sun fully up it will be warmer... There is a moan from Loki, and he sluggishly turns away from the window, trying to cover his eyes. Ah...maybe for the best just now then. Thor draws the blinds and pulls across the curtains - it's almost a complete black-out then. Checking on Loki, he finds that his breathing had become more relaxed again, although his skin feels a little cool and clammy.

 _This is it, then. This is make or break._ Thor muses, steeling himself. He bends to kiss Loki's slightly flushed cheek and, taking a deep breath, closes the door.


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The trials begin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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> 
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__

_'_ _Oh come on, it'll be fun!' Thor is grinning like a child who's had way too much sugar, as Loki raises a perfectly arched eyebrow. 'Pleeeaase!'_

_'I don't do 'dates'. You know that.' he maintains a cold and impassive stance as Thor huffs and comes closer, circling his big arms around Loki's hips and kissing, nibbling at the side of his neck as he pleads again._

_'It's not a date....you'll like it...' He mumbles the words half into Loki's hair, rocking him in his arms a little. Loki's head falls back with an exasperated groan._

_'Alright, fine - FINE...just...'_

_'Yes!! You won't regret this, I promise!'_

_'If anyone ever sees them..'_

_'They won't'_

_'I'll cut your dick off.'_

_'....they really won't.'_

_'Fine! Ugh...let's get this over with.' Loki tosses his cigarette butt rather harshly to the ground and emphatically grinds it underfoot. There are a thousand creepy, weird and variously disgusting requests he's had to tend to for clients in the past, but this is something else. The worst part is .... a tiny part of him loves this whimsical fuckery of Thor's. The guy is persistent; this is the eighth extended session he's booked Loki for and...well...at least he's cute and in good shape. Even if he's clearly a romantic idiot._ I mean who the fuck takes a hooker to a photo booth ....well ....apart from that mayor, that one time... _... He finds himself giving an involuntary shudder in remembrance of the slobbering old fool and swiftly swings his leg over Thor's waiting bike._

_'Well?' He jibes, giving Thor a half-hearted thump on the back. 'Today maybe? Before I change my mind?' Thor revs the engine and Loki holds on tight, glad his client can't see the small smile that has crept over his lips._

 

 _The store is full of cutesy icons of Japanese pop culture - the two of them must look so far out of place that Loki actually feels a little giggly. Thor takes his hand, dragging him toward the back of the crowded little place, forcing him to replace the Little Twin Stars bento set he'd idly been eyeing._ Good grief he's like a puppy smelling steak _...he allows himself a small smile._

_The owner has to show them how to operate the booth - it's like nothing they've ever seen before and all the instructions are in Japanese - helpfully informing them that the machine is the only one in the state and is in fact on loan before being shipped off to another eager storeholder in Ohio. They were just in time, he tells them. Lucky me...thinks Loki, rolling his eyes._

_Once inside, a green screen rolls down behind them and they have only a few seconds to pose; Thor is caught completely off-guard and isn't even looking at the camera when the first flash goes off. Possibly because Loki dropped to his knees and started opening his fly, grinning wickedly. Flustered, Thor hauls him back to his feet and traps him in a half embrace, half wrestling hold. Flash. Loki wriggles and turns in his arms, pushing off against Thor's chest but giggling and leaving his hips pressed close. Flash. There is a moment of intense heat, Thor draws him closer and...he does not resist. Flash. Their lips meet in a long, lingering and highly charged kiss... Flash..._

_They are still locked in their embrace when they realise there have been no more flashes for some little while. Loki breaks away, trying to starighten himself out a little but Thor noticed, he felt the connection. The realisation makes Loki's cheeks flush and his heart race; he tries to conceal it by bustling out of the cubicle quickly - only to come face to face with the owner who has yet more instructions._

_He's ushered into a side niche of the big machine, Thor behind him and they can see their pictures displayed on screens there, clear and bright, waiting for approval. They are told how to use the stylus to add text or decoration to the pictures, but Thor takes so very long on just one picture that Loki has three finished in the same time. The last one though, he does not alter at all. He can't bring himself to do anything but stare at it; at them - kissing, lost in the moment._

 

 

 ** _'_** _LET GO OF ME YOU FUCKING CUNT!! I FUCKING HATE YOU!!_ ** _I HATE YOU!!_** '' Loki's voice could have been taken straight from some terrible exorcism film, it's so full of bile and brimstone. Thor holds tight and prays he'll run out of steam soon - it's been at least an hour already this time. It has him ruefully longing for the quieter first few days cycle of sleeping and vomiting. He knows it's the drugs; knows it's the strain and effect of the massive withdrawal, but the words hurt nonetheless, far more than the black eye and split lip he's also acquired.

Despite the cursing and berating, Thor maintains his grip and hauls Loki back to the messy bed. The sheets are in dissaray from his writhing and struggling, but clean - for now at least. He has to try and block off the emotion he feels, put it aside to deal with later, as his whole focus needs to be on securing Loki again. He's getting a better handle on it now, after the first few times - using his body weight to pin Loki as he cinches his wrists first - and it goes a bit quicker....but every time kills him a little. There's always a part of him standing aside, watching himself wordlessly truss up the man he loves like a prisoner, gut twisting at his own actions.

 _I have to do it. For Loki...for the boys...for all of us.._. Thor repeats the words like a mantra in his mind, trying to remind himself why. As he finishes securing Lokis feet, he takes a light cover and drapes it over his seething lover to stave off any chill. Loki's response is to spit in his face. Swallowing hard and cuffing the saliva away, he tries to recall Loki's words to him before they began, but it's hard to hear over the screaming and cursing, hard to see any sign of love in the maddened, wild eyes and contorting face twisted with fury. 'No matter what...never doubt that I love you.' It's a faint echo but Thor clings to it for dear life, smoothes the damp hair out of Loki's face and kisses his forehead as Loki lies panting, near exhausted from his struggles.

'...fuck you...' Loki hisses through clenched teeth. Thor straightens up, rubbing at his neck where the muscles are bunched tight with stress. Loki is getting louder again, having caught his breath somewhat. 'Fuck you. Fuck YOU. FUCK YOU!!' Unable to take it anymore right now, Thor takes a deep breath and leaves the room, closing the door and leaning against it. He can hear Loki inside, still swearing and starting to thrash about again. He needs help - nothing is calming him down and if he doesn't manage to do it soon, Loki will surely hurt himself.

This one was on him, though. It was his own fault it got out of hand. He slumps back against the door, worrying at a hangnail as he ponders. He had thought they were making progress. Loki had seemed weak but more like himself this morning. He had pleaded with Thor to be allowed outside, just for a little while. He was so feeble and his entreaties so seemingly heartfelt that Thor had helped him through to sit on the decking overlooking the lake behind the house. No sooner than they were at the threshold though, Loki broke free, shoving Thor backward -almost sending him through the plate glass of the door - and set off running.

Of course, Thor caught him - but not without a struggle. He sighs to himself and gingerly touches the bruising around his eye as he remembers Loki's elbow connecting with his face. He should probably see to that at some point.

He rubs at his face and pulls his cellphone from his pocket, thumbing the keys and allowing himself to slide slowly down the door to sit on the ground. Bruce will know what to do...he scrolls through to the doctor's contact and hits 'call' emphatically. He said there would be times like this... Clamping the cell to his ear and biting at his lip, the thumping and yelling is only getting louder behind the door and when the busy tone rasps from the handset, he almost throws it down the hall in frustration. Instead he hangs up and counts ten before trying again. _Busy... 1...2...3...4...5............10. Again. ... **Busy**_ **.**

 _'FUCK!!!'_ Thor can't hold back a yell of his own, shaking the cellphone as if trying to throttle it. Ok ...ok...think.... He takes a few breaths, trying to calm himself; glad there is no-one else there to see him shaking at least, and scrolls on through his contacts trying to...Fandral... _maybe... They always got on, it's worth a shot._.. He hits 'call' and chews at a ragged nail. _Ringing...good....pick up...pick up...pick u-_

 _'Madam Spanky's House of Pain, how may I service you?'_ A familiar voice chimes. Someone laughs in the background - Volstagg he thinks.

'Very funny Fan- look I don't have time to dick about right now..'

_'Oh hey Thor. You ok? You sound like shit.'_

'Thanks. Really. Look things aren't going well...' A loud bout of cursing and screaming comes from behind the closed door.

 _'Holy shit, was that Lokes?'_ Fandral sounds genuinely stunned for once in his life.

'Yeah - like I said, not going well; the withdrawal is hitting him like a fucking train - I can't get through to him, it's been hours and...'

'You want me to try and talk to him?'

'Please. Anything. Just try?'

 _'What do you want me to say? I'm not good at this stuff..._ '

Thor moans in frustration.

'Please?! I don't know what else to do...I...I couldn't reach Bruce and I'm on my own here - you're brother came off the stuff didn't he?'

' _Well...yeah....but he..'_

'You were there, you've seen it -please. PLEASE Fan. I'm at my wits end, I don't think I can do this...'

_'Yeah, yeah of course - let me get into the office, hang on...'_

Thor can hear him walking, moving things about, closing a door...

'Thank you, oh fuck...thank you so much - you're a true friend, you know that?'

_'Sweet talking me now? Look, he'll be ok. Just try and calm down alright? You being stressed out is just going to work him up more.'_

'Yeah...yeah I know, I know. It's just hard when he's telling me to fuck off and how much he hates me...'

_'That's the withdrawal. It's the drugs leaving his system. Nothing else. He loves you, you know that.'_

'...yeah...it's...it's kinda good to hear someone else say that though, you know?'

' _Sure. Look - put him on the line and I'll see if I can talk him down a bit ok?'_

'Ok...I...Fan I had to tie him up...'

' _No-one's judging you Thor. Just hold the phone to his ear.'_

'Ok....Ok... I'm going back in.'

Thor rises and opens the door. Loki's head whips around to face him - he looks wilder than ever, his eyes bloodshot and veins standing out on his neck as he strains at the bonds. Swiftly Thor goes to him and lays a hand over his mouth, trying to get himself heard. 'Fandral wants to talk to you..- _ow!!_ ' He jerks his bitten fingers back and Loki laughs hysterically, but he manages to press the handset against Loki's ear. For a moment, Loki keeps laughing, but then...finally something shifts.

It's like magic. One minute he's practically frothing at the mouth and the next...he's just lying there, listening, eyes still unfocussed but less manic, even making vague little noises of acknowledgement to the unheard words from the other end of the line. Thor can barely believe what he's seeing. Gradually, Loki starts to glance sidelong at him every now and then, appearing more and more lucid, if still resentful. Within a few short minutes he is calm and even responds verbally to Fandral a few times - clipped answers of 'yes' and 'no' but answers nonetheless. Thor could almost jump for joy. Abruptly he finds himself being given orders from his bed-bound lover.

'I'm done now.' Loki informs him in a clipped tone, eyes still seething with anger. Thor simply nods and takes the phone back.

'Fan - you are some kind of wizard I swear to God...'

' _Oh come on, how long have you known me?'_

'Only forever...' Thor responds, still watching Loki in awe.

_'Well you should know I can talk my way out of pretty much anything.'_

'I'll never doubt it again. What did you _say?!_ '

' _Well..._ '

'What?'

 _'I may have promised to pay a quick visit..._ '

'....that's it?'

_'Yeah. Just...you know, show him he's not totally cut off and whatnot.'_

'Nothing else? That's...wow ok. So ...you're coming out here then?'

' _Looks like it. Unless you want him getting even more worked up.'_

'Nonoononono thank you. Sure - yeah, as soon as you can?'

_'I'll head up tomorrow.'_

'Thanks man.'

' _No problem bud.'_

Hanging up with a deep sigh of relief, Thor can feel some of the tension ebbing away and risks bending to place a kiss on Loki's temple. He doesn't move, but doesn't snarl or shout ar curse at him either. Right now that feels like progress in leaps and bounds. Going to the dresser, he pours a little water and tries offering it to Loki.

'Piss off.'

'I'll just put it on the side then...' Thor takes a sip himself, before setting it down - far enough that it can't be knocked over by any further thrashing - and sinks into his chair beside the large bed. It's served as both his watchpost and his own bed since they arrived; he can't bear to leave Loki alone for long, even if he's sleeping. It's probably contributing to the headaches and stiff neck he's developed but he doesn't care for that. This is where he needs to be and this is where he will stay.

Loki has turned his gaze to the ceiling now, looking almost contemplative, serene...almost. Thor shifts in his seat, seeking a more comfortable repose, and wonders what might be going through his beloved's mind. _Is he remembering better times? Or trying to think of inventive ways to kill me?....Would I even be able to tell the difference right now? Probably not.._. He closes his tired, stinging eyes for a brief moment, rests his head on his hand...

 

 

From the soft sounds of deeper breathing from beside him, Loki can guess that the big bastard has fallen asleep. _That selfish fuck. I'll show him, I'll fucking piss and shit the bed just to make him clean it. He'll have to untie me then._.. Another bout of nausea and searing pain interrupts his thoughts and he blinks rapidly, gulping breath and trying to stop the room from spinning. _Bastard....fucking bastard....I want to go back....I want Thanos....where the fuck is he?.._..His vision is still swimming and his thoughts are getting that odd fuzzy quality again. He screws his eyes tight shut and tries to focus on not throwing up.

_Someone is calling him, laughing....Sleipnir...he opens his eyes and squints in the bright sunlight. His little boy is smiling up at him, younger somehow, petting and kissing his swollen belly...this isn't right..._

_'You ok, babes?' A gruff voice beside him and an ice cream cone being proffered make him start._

_'Y-yes just...daydreaming I guess' he takes a long lap at the welcome treat, savouring its chill._

_'Good. Don't want you getting sunstroke or some shite...' Thanos hands another cone to Sleipnir who hums happily and takes a big bite, only to screw up his face as he's hit with brain-freeze._

_'Silly little sod. Lick it! Like mommy licks c-' Loki elbows him in the ribs before he gets any further, giggling a little._

_'You're terrible'_

_'Oh come on, babes - he's heard worse' Thanos ruffles the boys hair. 'and as for this one ...' he lays a massive hand on Loki's stomach 'well if he takes after me he'll be cursing before he can walk.'_

_Loki sighs and takes another lick but something isn't right...he can taste metal...the light flickers and changes and pain sends him reeling and gasping. His grasping hands find cold, smooth tile around him, plastic beneath...he knows this ....it's the shower at his flat...but why..._

_Another wave of pain burns through his belly and between his legs and he has his answer. He's been here before, this has all happened before. He remembers calling Thanos and getting no response; remembers crawling to the bathroom as the contractions came closer and closer together, hauling himself to squat in the tiny shower leaving a trail of blood in his wake; remembers...._ Sleipnir..oh god...

_'Don't die mommy! Please don't die!' His little voice is so small and afraid, coming from the corner where he's huddled clutching a towel._

_'It's ok Sleipi...I'm not dying...ah...' he tries to reassure the small boy, tries to mask his grimace of agony 'The baby is coming, that's all, I told you...' A scream tears from his throat as the most severe pain yet overcomes him and his head swims._

_'I see him, I see him!!!' Sleipnir's voice echoes in his reeling mind. The scene is blurring, fading...he hears the faint echo of Fen's first rasping squall in this world...it grows louder, stronger, becomes clearer..._

_'Fucks sake does it ever stop?' Thanos grunts irritably, handing Sleipnir a token for the arcade style game he's been wanting to play. 'It's NAME is Fenrir and HE is crying because he's too hot.' Loki tries his best to shade and fan his baby boy, who wriggles and kicks in his pushchair._

_'Kids are supposed to like Disney' Thanos grumbles, keeping a lax watch on the older boy._

_'I'm sure he will when he's older...' He leans over and kisses the big man's pitted cheek 'I know I am VERY thankful ...' he murmurs, giving Thanos' thigh a squeeze._

_'Hmph, yeah well -you can make it worth my while, eh?'_

_'Mmmh you KNOW I can...'_

_Someone is laughing...a cold bitter laugh...arguing...the colours blur and shift once more and he realises that he's watching himself, strung out and fucked up after some nasty little shit of a client; his makeup ruined and wandering over his face, clothes tattered and stained...and he's facing off with Thanos..._

_He watches the scene unfold as if it were some late night cop drama - utterly detached and knowing, just knowing what is about to happen as the players bluster on seemingly blind to the danger._

_He wants to jump in, reach out and shake his other self; he can see it all so plainly... but he's trapped, watching impotently as his past self takes a swing at Thanos, going wide and stumbling, falling to his knees...as Thanos' face turns from amused to furious...as the big boot swings up and connects to his jaw with a horrid crack...as his head whips around and he is thrown back, onto the floor by the force of it...as Thanos stands over his unmoving body and yanks a simple chain from around his neck, leaving a reddening welt...he feels like crying, screaming, but he can't find his voice. He knows that's when it all changed, knows that's when Thanos decided he wasn't worth the effort, but he never admitted it, didn't want to believe it...how long had he gone on after that, trying to regain the brute's favour?_

_In the depths of his murky mind, the image of Thanos striking him melds with the image of Thor, tackling him to the ground...hauling him about...keeping him captive..._ he's just another thick-skulled beast desperate to assert his dominance...they lie...they always lie...he never loved me...none of them did...liars and filthy pigs...

 

 

 

It's dawn before Thor wakes, cramped and stiff, to find Loki still sleeping. He seems deeply into the slumber, eyes moving rapidly beneath the lids as he dreams, so Thor deems it safe to loosen the restraints. He knows he'll be alert for hours now and he never intended to leave them on that long in the first place.

The next hours creep by at a tortuous pace. Thor had never been averse to his own company but since Loki had entered his life it was different. Every moment without him left an ache in his chest; even this pseudo-separation of consciousness is painful.

The times that Loki does wake, he regards Thor with intense suspicion and a cold gaze, as though he really were a prison guard or some vile inquisitor. That hurts too.

There are times he tries to persuade Loki to eat, but every attempt is met with dismissal or distrust - often both. He stops leaving the food beside the bed for Loki to pick at when he feels the whim after the third plate smashes to the floor; Loki having slowly and deliberately slid it off the cabinet, all the while looking Thor dead in the eyes, much as a disgruntled cat might do.

Thor is just relieved there are no more escape attempts or screaming fits for now. Loki still looks very sickly; far paler than he ever thought possible, with deeply sunken shadows about his eyes - still bloodshot from yesterday - and that hollow, glazed look of those battling fever.

It's in the middle of trying to decide whether it will be possible to check Loki's temperature without restraining him again that a sharp rap at the door comes, taking Thor by surprise. It's early evening - and he wouldn't have expected Fandral before morning ... Depositing the thermometer and going to investigate, he secures the door carefully - noticing that Loki has grown rather still, eyes wide and expectant. _Well maybe he really can do some good.._.he muses on his way to the door.

Swinging the door open, he claps Fandral amiably on the shoulder with as much of a smile as he can muster.

'That was quick - didn't know you missed me so much.' Thor jibes, stepping back to allow his old friend to enter.

'I set off about an hour after we spoke. Sounded like you needed the company.' The shorter blond man looks him over, frowning slightly 'Bloody hell, Thor - you look like YOU drove all night and half the day.'

'Thanks.'

'No no, I just mean..'

'No, I know. It's fine.'

'Sorry mate.'

'Coffee?'

'Please.' Following Thor through to the kitchen, he shrugs off his holdall and tosses it to one side. 'So....how is he today?'

Setting the mugs out, Thor hesitates before answering.

'...a little better ... I suppose...' the teaspoon clinks against the porcelain as he stirs, thinking. 'He hasn't called me a cunt today, so that's something I guess...'

Fandral snorts with barely concealed laughter before immediately looking remorseful.

'Sorry, sorry...not funny.'

Thor gives a half-smile and a roll of his eyes, setting down the drinks and coming to sit at the little breakfast bar, directly across from Fandral.

'You're a git.'

'...you've known me how long?' Fandral flashes his most charming smile over the lip of his coffee mug, taking a sip.

'Yeah, yeah - alright... ' Thor blows steam from his mug and slurps a little. 'God that's horrible.'

'Needing the caffeine, hmm?' Fandral gives him a sympathetic look. 'You could have a rest if you want - I'm still wired from the drive...well and the energy drinks..'Thor chuckles and shakes his head. '..point is I'm here, I'm not sleeping any time soon and you look like you could use it.'

Sighing, Thor shifts in his seat. He is undeniably tired, but the thought of something happening while he sleeps... Fandral is strong but nowhere close to Thor, and shorter than Loki by almost half a head...

'Maybe in a while...let's get you settled and see how he is...'

'Thor?'

'Yes?'

'Fuck off to bed. I can handle it.'

'But-'

'C'mon. You're a mess. Go.' He's a little stunned by Fandral's insistance and, for that matter, his sincerity. He's not seen him so serious since...since his mother was attacked. _I really have known him forever_...Fandral's hand gently gripping his arm brings him back to himself. 'You're practically asleep on your feet, Thor - c'mon, let's go...'

Perhaps it is the enormous relief of having his childhood friend beside him to lighten the load, or sheer exhaustion taking over - perhaps both - but Thor can't find his voice to protest anymore, and his feet are obeying of their own accord. He allows himself to be carefully steered to one of the large sofas and merely sighs when Fandral fluffs a cushion to act as a pillow for him.

'As a compromise you can nap here - that way you'll hear any yelling or throwing of stuff right away...'

'mmh..I...'

'There won't be any, because I'm awesome, but just for your peace of mind, ok?'

'mmmph... just ...for half an hour...'

'Sure, sure. I'll wake you in a bit.'

Blearily, Thor nods and sinks gratefully into the soft cushions, toeing his sneakers off and swinging his feet up to lie down properly for the first time in days. It feels wonderful. He's vaguely aware of his friend draping a light blanket over him and moving around quietly as his eyes grow impossibly heavy and sleep claims him.

 

_A soft spring breeze bearing the promise of warmth to come, a gentle hand on his arm, his mother's voice..._

_'It's time...' She smiles, tears of pride and joy in her eyes and, looking up, he can see friends and family all waiting, expectant...and beyond them, like a vision, Loki._

_He is dressed in a pristine and perectly tailored suit, black as night, and as he moves Thor glimpses flashes of a deep emerald green lining. His two sons walk and toddle respectively by his side, Fen holding his hand and Sleipnir carrying a small, carved wooden box, beaming with pride at his important role._

_They seem to process in time that is slowed, that flows thickly somehow; the pale light gilding the edges of every detail, turning dust motes and tiny insects into flecks of drifting gold._

_Finally, Loki reaches him, extends his hand to rest in Thor's own, proffered palms upward to receive him. Loki is smiling, truly smiling, serene and beautiful before him. He leans close to place a reverent kiss on Loki's pale cheek and hears himself whisper..._

_'We're going to be a real family...finally, the four of us...' before he can pull away to commence the wedding rites, his beloved's fingers brush his cheek softly, making him pause as he breathes, almost inaudibly..._

_'Five....'_

Night has closed in fully when Thor awakes, stretching and gradually shaking off the haze of a deep sleep. The living room is dark, taking on that oddly colourless state that seems almost pixelated, blurry. Hearing a low murmur of conversation, he rises, tossing the blanket behind him and pads across to the corridor leading to Loki's current accomodation. Sure enough, passing the stairs and rouding the corner, he can see light outlining the bedroom door at the far end of the little hallway. He wonders at the fact that he's definitely hearing two distinct voices - not just Fandral speaking and cajoling - Loki is not ranting or shouting...just....talking...

As he reaches the door, there is a small lull in the conversation and, pushing it open, he sees why.

Against all odds, there sits Loki; dishevelled but upright and unbound, taking a tentative bite of a sandwich. Fandral is happily tucking into the other half, seemingly to encourage him. For the first time in days...it seems like weeks to Thor...Loki is eating of his own volition.


	16. APOLOGY FOR THE DELAY

Hello dear readers.

I am sorry, I was sick for a few weeks. But now I am back and writing. :)


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki struggles further into his recovery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your kind thoughts and patience, I am well and writing again and I promise not to leave such a long gap again <3
> 
> (and please, please, please leave a review or comment. I have lots to learn and would like to hear what you think of the new chapter! Thank you!)

   

 

There is barely a sound in the still, clear night as Loki opens his eyes to peer into the shadowed room. Just a hint of a cool breeze is wafting over his overheated skin, welcome and soothing, making his flesh prick pleasantly in it's path. Thor must have opened the window a fraction, he concludes, rolling to face it lethargically. Yes, just a touch - he can make it out just barely in the gloom. Everything is so still. So peaceful. His mind feels for once as though it has stopped it's incessant whirring - or perhaps simply reached a point somewhere beyond that, in which chaos is all around but individual concepts are beyond reach - a strange and uneasy peace to find. He is unaware that he has closed his eyes again - lulled by the soft, rhythmic sound of his own breathing - until he starts, jolting himself from near slumber once more. His limbs feel heavy, his muscles weak, but the cool air is like mana in that moment and he breathes deeply of the next soft breeze to reach him.

As he is savouring the sweet, slightly crisp nature of it, something else filters into his awareness. At first he thinks he is half dreaming again, but he opens his eyes and props himself on his elbows, strains into the darkness to hear....

 _Yes... there it is._..Just on the edge of hearing, so soft as to be easily missed simply by breathing too heavily, a beautiful, lilting, somewhat melancholy melody.

Slowly, he sits up fully, blinking sleep away and assessing his inner readiness to move. His head is spinning much less and he barely feels nauseous now, so perhaps...

He hesitates and, strangely, the music seems to pause too. Cocking his head, Loki gradually eases his legs over the side of the bed, resting his bare feet on the cool wood floor, listening intently. Perhaps he had imagined it after all... For a few moments it seems so, as he sits searching for the faintest hint of the music and hearing only his heartbeat and his own blood rushing in his ears.

Just at the moment he is about to admit defeat, he hears it again; the sweet sound is the same but a touch louder - enough for him to know for certain that the music is not only extant in his mind. A classical guitar...and very hushed singing... Another pause. Loki's heart skips. It couldn't be...could it?... When the music begins once more, repeating the same refrain as the last time, Loki's suspicions are piqued.

Quietly, carefully, he rises from the bed and begins to move unsteadily toward the door. It too, is cool to the touch and he runs his fingers lightly over the smooth glossy panel before pressing his ear against it. He catches a mere snippet of song before it abruptly halts again - only this time he can hear a partially supressed curse as it does so. _A scratched disc perhaps?? God knows that can be infuriating._

His hand drifts down to the door-handle, and he tries it, expecting to be met with the resistance of the lock - he almost gasps audibly when he finds it turning unhindered and he cannot stop himself from pulling the door ajar.

Once more, the nylon strings sound out and fill the air with sweet and sad arpeggios. it is only when a hesitant, somewhat raspy voice quietly joins in a mournful melody that it hits Loki - this is not just a cd or old, scratched vinyl; this is Thor - _his_ Thor - making this beautiful music.

Softly, his breathing shallow as if the slightest disturbance could break the spell, wake him from this sweet dream, Loki pads out of his room and down the hallway, steadying himself against the wall.

 

_'Where your love is, put your heart;_

_Guard these moments well...'_

 

 

There are tears stinging his eyes by the time he peers around the corner to see Thor, hunched over an old guitar, with his back to Loki, playing on oblivious to his presence.

Loki leans against the wall there, watching and listening, enthralled. _I had no idea..._

 

_'Write down the words about how you cried_

_when you woke up weeping 'cause you thought that he'd died -_

_and you heard him breathing, through your pain,_

_and you held him close and cried all over again...'_

 

There is no more hesitancy; Thor is allowing the song to pour out, even growing a little louder - as if it's simply carrying him along in its path. Streaks of salt now line Loki's face as he stands in silent audience.

 

_'I would write it down on the wind, just for you - just for you;_

_And I would hold you in my arms, for the rest of my days...'_

 

As the final notes fade, Loki softly wraps shaking arms about his lovers' neck and places a heartfelt kiss on his rough cheek. When Thor turns in surprise, to kiss him back, Loki can see that he too has wept.

The dim light in the living room makes everything appear drained of colour and yet the blue of Thor's eyes still remains captivating somehow.

'That was beautiful.' Loki half whispers, before making his way carefully around to the front of the couch to join his fiance. Thor sets aside the guitar as he does so, opening his arms to recieve him.

'Thank you.' He smiles, though it is tinged with sadness. Loki sits, slowly maneuvering into his lover's warm, welcoming embrace, settling against Thor's side and drawing his legs up onto the cushions. The silence is somehow a comfortable one, neither feeling the need to say anything; only wanting to stay in that moment, breathing slowly synchronising in the still of the night.

'I had no idea you could play' Loki murmurs at length. Thick fingers comb gently through his tousled hair and he sighs.

'I haven't for a long time. Years really.' Thor's voice is soft and soothing, Loki had forgotten how pleasant it was to lie close and feel it rumble through him. It brings a soft smile to his lips and for long moments he lies there, resting his head and hand against Thor's broad chest, simply losing himself to the sound of his breath, his heartbeat and the radiant warmth of his body. After a little while, Thor speaks again.

'I'm sorry I woke you...I had meant to surprise you with a song...'

Loki pushes against Thor's chest, shuffling round to be able to look up at him.

'You...you took it up again for me?' His voice is filled with wonder and delight and when Thor gives a small nod in acknowledgement, he can't help but cup his big, bristly face in his hands and press a long, lingering kiss to his lips.

Pulling away slightly, he rests his forehead agaist Thor's and sighs, closing his eyes. He feels as though this moment is almost a sacred one, as though he is being granted absolution... a surge of emotion wells within him and suddenly he's trembling, heart racing as he begs forgiveness for things he can only half recall.

'I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...'

'What? Why? You have nothing to be sorry for....hey....hey now...' Thor is taking a hold of him by the shoulders and guiding him into a position where he can wrap his arms right around him. 'I've got you....it's ok....'

'All those things...I said terrible things, I know it....' Loki can feel hot tears sliding down his cheeks, feel his jaw clenching.

'Shhh....it's ok....it wasn't really you....'

'I'm sorry....I'm sorry....'

'Hey now, shhhh...' Soft kisses press into his hair and Thor begins to nuzzle at the crook of his neck, beard tugging at his hair. Loki loses his will to speak then, allows Thor to rock and soothe him, caress and murmur soft words of love into his ear until, still weeping silently in his embrace, he finds sleep once more.

 

 

 

_Floating...flying...no: falling... There is no light, no sound, not even wind or air rushing past; only black and featureless void all around and the endless feeling of falling. He tries to scream but no sound will come, nor can he draw breath; and yet he is not suffocating. He tries to turn, to change position in his seemingly endless descent but there is no way of knowing whether he succeeded, he cannot feel his limbs, cannot feel any motion other than the pull of gravity._

_He tries to bring his hand before his face but still he sees nothing; feels nothing – not even the ghost of a deeper shadow in the dark enveloping him. Does he even have an arm? A hand to see? A terrible fear grips him as he tries to bring his hand to his own face in order to feel something, anything._

_There is nothing._

_The fear intensifies as he tries to touch his own body, again and again feeling nothing, realising with growing horror that there are no fingers with which to touch; no flesh to find..._

_Again his instinct is to cry out; again there is nothing to be heard. He would weep, howl and thrash out if he could, the desire to do something – to fight this, in some physical way – is overwhelming, but he knows now that it is utterly futile._

_Is this death? This empty space? Nothing but his conciousness surviving here in this strange limbo forever more? The thought is a horrifying one. To be nothing, within more nothing, alone..._

_Slowly, a sound creeps into his awareness...or perhaps it is the memory of a sound... yes, that seems right. It does not feel like it comes to him through the mechanics of physical ears, but that it arises from within whatever is left of him now._

_He has stopped falling. He has no memory of when, but the feeling has left him._

_The sound – or rather the memory of sound – is rhythmic, slow and seemingly distant somehow. As he turns his full focus on it, it becomes gradually clearer; a single, abrupt thump - then silence rushes in to fill the space again for what seems like a long moment before the memory repeats._

_There is nothing else, he has nothing else to cling to and so he tries to will the memory to become clearer._

_Gradually, he begins to see – or at least see in his mind's eye – a faint and fuzzy point of light each time the thump repeats. He allows himself a small self-congratulation for this; it seems like progress of some form._

_The point of light appears small and indistinct to him. He concentrates on willing it to grow larger, clearer._

_The effort is enormous and he never remembers feeling this drained when he had a physical form; but it is working...slowly but surely, the point of soft amber light is growing with each repetition of the sound-memory._

_Drained but triumphant, he strains toward the light, the shapes within resolve and finally he can see..._ no...no! Not this! Please!!

_He tries to close his eyes but it is impossible, he cannot avoid the horror before him. His father's face, bloody and bruised, glares up at him, his mouth twisted into a snarl, thin lips frozen in place at the instant he died. THUMP. The axe blade comes down clumsily, heavily, wetly; tearing through flesh and biting into bone, over ...and over ... and over again._

 

 

 

Loki wakes screaming and flailing, catching an unsuspecting Thor square in the jaw with an errant elbow at full force, almost knocking the big man off the couch. To his credit, Thor reacts fast, righting himself and grappling with Loki, determined to lock him into a safe position despite the pain of the blow and the ringing in his ears.

Loki's words are muddled, his eyes wild and unseeing for a few beats before he goes almost completely limp, panting and gripping Thor's shirt tight with one hand, the sofa cushion with the other, steadying himself, grounding himself. He's pale as a spectre and his skin feels clammy when Thor lays a hand to his forehead.

'just a dream...just a dream...not real...it's over...just a dream...' he's repeating it over and again to himself in a shaky whisper, but it's clear from the haunted look in his eyes that he is far from leaving the nightmare behind him. Thor tightens his grip, trying to help center his fiance back in the here and now, rocks him gently, steadily reminding him of how much he is loved, how he is safe and wanted, though his own words are pouring thickly from rapidly swelling lips.

Very gradually, Loki's breathing begins to slow and deepen, the tremors lessen and Thor is able to release his grip somewhat, instead guiding Loki in his still weakened state to the cushions beside him. Long, thin legs draped over Thor's knees, Loki curls himself into the safety and warmth of Thor's side, allows himself this indulgence as he fights to block out the hideous images once again.

 _Put them aside...put them away...it's over; he's gone...he can't hurt you anymore...bury it deep...bury it with all the rest..._ His inner monologue repeats over and over and he knows he's done it before – so many, many times before – but this time, even as he envisions the terrible memory sinking beneath still, dark water; he has a sense of deep unease. The sense that the memory may lie dormant, with the rest...but that it could shake loose at any moment, bursting up through the quiet waters of his mind and dragging all the other horrors with it in a cataclysmic eruption.

 

 

 

'Are you ready?' Thor's eyes are bright and smiling, reassuring as they sit side by side once more in the large living room, a small fire flickering in the grate to stave off the slight chill.

Loki nods, giving a small, tight-lipped smile. He is still trembling slightly from the nightmare that left him shaken to his core, but something is holding him back from telling his lover about it. He fears that any sign of weakness may mean that this opportunity will vanish and he needs this, needs it right now more than anything else.

Thor strokes his back and turns to the laptop he has set on the coffee table before them, adjusting the webcam a little to place them both in frame and hits 'call.'

Loki worries at the skin around his fingertips as the irritating tone sounds in seemingly endless repetitions, the horrid echo of his dream still ringing within his head. Thor's hand is on his knee suddenly and he realises his leg has been jogging up and down nervously. With great effort, he stills it and pulls the sleeves of Thor's over-sized sweater further over his hands, just as the dialing tone is interrupted with a burst of chatter and a large green eye fills their screen.

Loki's heart skips and his smile then is suddenly bursting from him, lighting his face and stilling the tremors all at once.

'Fen get back! I can't seeeee!!!' Sleipnir's voice is unmistakable even before Fen grudgingly withdraws from attempting to look directly into their own webcam, whining a little.

'Fen! Sleipi!! Babies!! I missed you so much!!!' Loki's voice is a little high-pitched and emotional, but that does not seem to matter at all to his boys, who are now both in view, perched on a rather nice hotel bed and bouncing irrepressibly. The two of them are trying to talk at once, full of excitement and all Loki or Thor can make out for a full minute amongst the babble is 'Mommy,' 'Pirates,' and some enthusiastic sound effects that may or may not indicate some kind of water ride. Beaming and laughing, Loki watches and listens – or tries to – nodding encouragingly until Frigga appears in the background, gently reminding the boys that it's much easier to understand them when they slow down and speak one at a time. At that, Sleipi nods, pauses and takes a deep, purposeful breath, which little Fen attempts to mimic with limited success.

'Mommy. This is very important. We are pirates now. We got badges and we were unrolled and everything.' Sleipnir relays with the utmost seriousness. Fen nods emphatically beside him and holds up his bunny for inspection, revealing that it has acquired a very roguish eye-patch.

'Pie rats lub you.' Comes the announcement from behind the bunny.

'Shhhh Fen!!! Pirates are apposed to be tough!!!' Sleipnir scolds, but then runs to the camera and whispers 'but we love you lots and lots and lots just don't tell anyone, 'kay?'

'I think you mean 'enrolled' darling... oh, alright, your secret's safe with me! Pirates, well how very exciting!' Loki chuckles softly as Sleipnir blows a covert kiss to the camera and trots back to his brother's side. 'You both look so tanned! I wish I was there with you!' he can't entirely hide the genuine longing in his voice.

'Are you better yet? Can you come soon?' Sleipnir asks, kicking his heels off the side of the bed.

'I...ah...no not yet darling...' Loki's voice falters and Thor chips in, keeping his tone upbeat,

'But he's doing really well, boys so don't you worry – he'll be all better soon.' As he speaks, Thor gives Loki's thigh a reassuring squeeze.

'Y-yes...soon...now tell me all about your adventures!'

Sleipnir needs no further encouragement and Fen happily grins and giggles as his brother talks.

'There was this HUUUUGE boat – no SHIP – like a really real proper pirate ship, on water and everything! It was a billion times bigger than Uncle Thor's little boat and made of wood and had canons and ropes and sails and and and...'

'Cowsest!' Fen suddenly blurts, interrupting 'Seipy! COWs est!!!'

'Yeah and a crows nest where the lookout goes and there were pirates EVERYWHERE! Up on the ropes and up the mast and MOMMY I GOT TO STEER!!'

'AMEE!! AMMEE TOO!!!'

'and Fen too but I was in charge really 'cause he's so little...'

Fen huffs and pouts at that, hugging his bunny tight and muttering 'I pie rat,' before covertly sticking his tongue out at his older brother. Loki and Thor almost blow his cover by chuckling.

'What's funny? I'm SERIOUS!!! I was really in charge!!'

'Oh darling, I'm sure you made a perfect Captain!' Loki coos proudly, as Thor beams beside him. 'and what about Bunny? Is he a pirate too now?'

'Oh him? He's just in training.' Sleipnir reports with utmost sincerity. 'he's lower rank than Fen even. Cabin boy. Cabin ...bun...something like that.'

'CABBYBUM!!'

'Noooooo Feeeeeeen!! Bun – like BUNNY' This time there is no concealing the laughter from the boys and both Loki and Thor give in to it utterly, until their sides hurt and eyes water.

'Mommy?' A slight hesitancy in Sleipnir's voice brings Loki's focus sharply back. _Is something wrong? Is he ok?_

'Yes baby? What is it?'

'mmmm....'

'Go on darling, it's alright.' he shares a brief glance of concern with Thor, then nods encouragingly.

'Well... we get to go to see the princess parade tomorrow...and...'

'Yes?'

'...and...well...I really want to meet Belle and...'

'I'm sure you'll see her darling'

'...mmm...'

'What is it baby? You can tell me.'

'Well...' Sleipnir fiddles with his trousers and kicks his heels again. '...is it ok to be a pirate AND a princess do you think?' Loki blinks, surprised for a moment – a look reflected in Friggas face behind the boys.

'Oh baby, you can be anything you want to be ok?!' He feels Thor's arm tighten a little around his waist.

'That's right, and don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.' Thor's warm, rich voice is full of a fierce pride that touches Loki at his core. 'You are YOU, Sleipnir, and you are the only person who gets to decide anything about that.'

'I love you so much baby!'

Sleipnir seems more than satisfied with that and gives a simple shrug, letting go of the slight tension he'd held a moment before.

'Kay. Love you too Mommy' His smile turns into an enormous, eye watering yawn which he immediately tries to conceal.

'Oh Sleipi, you're exhausted, look at you!' Loki intones soothingly.

'Nooooo I'm wide awaa...awaa...awaaaaa...'he breaks into another yawn, utterly destroying his own argument.

'Mmmhm, I think it's just about bedtime for pirates.' Frigga echoes Loki's sentiment gently.

'That's right, you have another big day of adventure tomorrow, and you want to be up and ready to meet Belle don't you?!' This point seems to resonate with the boy, as his eyes widen a little and he nods.

'Uh-huh!' Beside him, little Fen is already looking heavy-lidded and nodding a little.

'Okay boys, time to say bye-bye for tonight.' Frigga comes over, ready to wrap things up for the evening.

'Byebye? Noooo' A small whine comes from Fen, clearly overtired now and starting to get fussy. The tone makes Loki's heart ache sharply and his throat tighten.

'It's alright FenFen, we'll talk again soon, I promise.' He is barely able to keep a slight tremor from entering his voice as he tried to soothe his youngest, to no avail.

'Noooo! Mooooommyyyyyy!' Fen is crying now, his little face growing red and his fists balled tightly on Bunny's ears. Frigga scoops him up, cradles and rocks him, murmuring over and over that 'mommy will come back soon.' Hearing and seeing his baby boy so upset is like a knife in the gut to Loki, but Sleipnir – dear, thoughtful Sleipnir – comes close to the camera and speaks in a conspiratorial whisper.

'Don't worry Mommy, he's just tired and had too much candy. I'll tell him a story. He likes stories.'

'That's a really good idea,' Thor rumbles, smiling fondly 'You'll have to tell it to us too next time.'

'I will!' Sleipi chirps, pleased with the thought. 'Ok I better go help Nanny Frigga. I love you Mommy! Love you Uncle Thor!' He kisses his hand and blows it to the camera, then his expression changes to one of intense concentration and...the call disconnects before they have a chance to return the sentiment.

The two of them sit, frozen for a moment, staring at the screen as the present reasserts itself around them. There are a few birds twittering outside, and the sound of wind in the trees hints at another storm on the way.

It is Thor who breaks the silence.

'He's never said that before...'

'Hmm?' Loki is still somewhat distracted, his mind still with his children far away.

'Sleipi. He said he loves me.' There is a quiet pride in his voice that draws Loki back to the moment they occupy together. Turning his gaze to his fiance, he finds a look of slight surprise on the big man's face. He smiles fondly and raises a delicate hand to his bristly cheek.

'You idiot. Of course he does, how could he not?' There is no malice in Loki's tone, only fondness which is echoed in his eyes. He presses a soft kiss to Thor's lips and curls against him once more, needing to feel his solid warmth, to be held close, safe in his embrace.

He feels Thor's fingers caress him, tracing little patterns over his side and back, a habit that now feels familiar and comforting to Loki. Nuzzling his face against his lovers chest he lets go a soft sigh, feeling more contented than he has in a long time. Despite everything, despite the nightmares and the withdrawal, despite the separation from his boys and the deep-seated panic that so often boils within him, he wants to take this moment just the way it is. _If I could preserve it forever..._ the thought drifts through his tired mind. _What a beautiful thing that would be._..He closes his eyes and breathes deeply, noting the nuances of scent on the evening air; Thors' distinctive but subtle musk...the crackling fire, low in the grate now...cotton...a hint of dried flowers from somewhere...

A kiss pressed to the top of his head draws his focus back to the physical. He is suddenly more aware of those patterns Thor gently outlines over his baggy sweater; when his calloused finger brushes over a patch of bare flesh, where the top has ridden up, a pleasant shiver follows. He feels strange, surprised even – it's been so long since he felt he could even think about … but here he is, pressed close, heart racing now just from Thor's touch. It's been so long it feels almost new to him, this sense of rising need, the yearning...

Tentative, still unsure even of himself, Loki raises his head slowly and brushes his lips over the crook of Thor's neck, breath hot and moist with anticipation. He kisses again, more confident that this is what he wants, what he needs – and is rewarded with feeling Thor's breath hitch and his heart speed up under Loki's fingers.

Slowly, he kisses his way up the muscular neck, to nip at his lover's ear. He can see now that Thor's eyes are almost closed, savouring the sensation, his lips slightly parted as his breathing comes faster.

There are no words. They need none. As Thor turns and cups Loki's face to kiss him tenderly, deeply, the tension in the air is palpable between them. The intensity each of them feels in this glorious moment is overwhelming, everything seems new, hyper-sensitive...electric. Loki feels as though they are performing some rite of passage, or a perfect movie scene; all slow motion and flickering light – there is a sense of significance to every kiss, every touch, that he has never felt before. Everything feels so good, so right...

Strong hands lay him back onto the cushions and strip him of his rumpled sleepwear, leaving his arousal in no question. He knows he must look haggard, too thin, bruised even – but Thor gazes down at him as if he were a work of art. Ironic, Loki thinks, since he's the one with the muscles that look like someone carved them out of stone...watching Thor strip has always been enjoyable, but here, in the warm light of the fire, it's truly a sight to relish. The soft glow adds a golden caste to his already tanned skin, and as he towers above Loki, body hard and honed with hours of backbreaking work, Loki finds himself musing that he truly does justice to his namesake.

Long, unkempt golden locks fall about Thors face as he leans down, pressing reverent kisses to Lokis pale skin. The heat of his lips and breath are almost too much, and Loki seizes his lover by the hair, drawing him up and into a long and breathless kiss, their flesh colliding in a maelstrom of sensation; Thor's skin so hot it almost burns when pressed to Loki's cooler body.

Wordlessly, Loki fumbles between them, trying to guide his lover as the desperate need within him grows to a deafening roar...

A sharp cry from Loki has Thor pulling back, panicked - that was not a sound of pleasure in the slightest. His fiance has his eyes tight shut and is cradling his head as if to fend off a blow.

'Loki!'

He immediately removes his own weight from atop him and crouches beside him on the floor, taking his thin wrist, stroking his hair as Lokis long, pale legs draw up against his body.

'Loki what is it?? Can you hear me?!' Unsure what else to do for the moment, Thor grabs a blanket and drapes it over him to stave off a chill. 'Loki? Baby??'

Lokis breathing is sharp and shallow for almost a full minute before he shows signs of returning to normal. His muscles start to release from the stone-like tension and his entire body begins to shiver.

'Thor?' Loki's voice is wavering, uncertain, from behind long fingers still cupped about his face.

'I'm here baby, I'm right here...'

'M-my head...'

'It's going to be ok, baby – I got you...' Thor murmurs soothingly, inwardly cursing himself for taking things too far, too fast. 'Let's get you to bed ok? Get you some water and rest...'

'I don't want to rest...' Loki echoes the tone of his youngest son in a heart-wrenching plea 'I've been in bed for so long...'

'I know baby, I know but just a little longer ok? Just a little more and it'll all be behind you...'

Despite the reassurances, Loki is still teary right up until he falls into a deep slumber, clutching Thor's hand as if it were a life-line.


	18. Chapter Eighteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki's recovery is a continuing struggle.

__

 

_'FUCK OFF, THOR – I'M NOT A FUCKING CHILD!!!'_

There is a stunned silence, broken only by the dripping of milk onto the tile floor, from the wall against which Loki's cereal bowl had been hurled. He's shaking with barely contained rage, refusing to meet Thor's gaze as he sits, unsure of his next move.

Taking a deep breath, Thor moves to begin picking up the shattered pieces of crockery, deliberating over how to respond. Lately it all amounts to the same thing in the end; tears or yelling, or both. As he collects the fragments in the washing up bowl, brow furrowed and biting at his lip, he wonders what he's been doing wrong.

'What no lecture? No argument? You're just going to tidy up after me like a good little skivvy?' The mocking tone does nothing for Thor's own temper, but he manages to keep it in check even so.

'I just don't want the place smelling of puke from sour milk.' A snort from the table tells him all he needs to know about what Loki makes of his reply. Standing, with a sigh, he dumps the debris in the trash and grabs a cloth. 'Do you want another bowl or were you finished anyway?' He doesn't look over to Loki this time, just crouches down and sets about sopping up the mess.

'Does it matter?' There it is again – that edge of hopelessness, bitterness that Thor had thought – _hoped_ \- he'd heard the last of only a week ago. The words are muted, muffled, too – he can tell without looking up that Loki is gnawing at the skin around his nails again.

'You're going to draw blood if you carry on like that.' A soft snort of derision cuts off that argument.

The uneasy silence stretches out as Thor rinses out the cloth. Loki hasn't moved from the table though, so perhaps...he slowly pulls out the chair opposite and sits.

'Loki - '

'What?' Green eyes flash up at him for a split second before flicking away again.

'Something's clearly upsetting you -'

'No shit, Sherlock.'

'Can't we talk about it?'

'How about no?'

'Loki -'

'FINE – you want to know? Fine. Why am I upset...let's see...could it be because I'm being held hostage by a man who claims to love me?'

'Loki you know that's not-'

'Maybe because I'm being kept away from my own fucking kids? Hmm?'

'Baby please -'

'Don't you fucking call me that you piece of shit! You have no right! NO RIGHT!' He knows he's losing control, knows he's out of line but he can't stop himself. He can't even think straight right now. 'You tied me up, you took me away from my babies and everything I knew and I fucking HATE YOU!!!' The blow connects square across Thor's cheek with such violent force behind it that Loki's nails leave red welts in their wake, just below his eye.

Stunned, Thor takes a moment to react – but by that time Loki is off and running, toward the back door. Finding it locked, he lets out a scream of frustration and hurls his shoulder against the glass, twice...three times before Thor can reach him. He's reduced to a sobbing mess after the third attempt and only weakly tries to fend off Thor's attentions before submitting and crumpling to the ground.

Holding his distraught lover, Thor can't make sense of what is going on – he'd been doing so well...and now... Pulling himself together, he makes the decision that no matter how cutting the words, no matter how hurt he is feeling, his first priority – as it always has been – is Loki.

Gathering the weeping, trembling shadow of a man in his arms, he rises and walks purposefully to the bedroom.

 

 

 

It's raining heavily when Thor makes the call, the noise of the downpour almost thunderous against the plate glass of the back door. It's about one am. but Fandral is awake and as full of consolation and vigour as ever. Even just knowing he's coming puts Thor a little more at ease. This time, he muses, it might be more for his own benefit than Loki's. A visit will be mutually beneficial in any case – at least he hopes so as he stares out across the dark lake, willing time to move faster. He never thought there would come a day when he actually looked forward to Loki being asleep, saw it as respite. The guilt of the thought gnaws at his stomach and he fleetingly thinks of calling Fandral back, asking him to bring tobacco...but no. He swore he wouldn't take it up again; and what kind of an example would that be for the man he's trying to help break away from addiction?

Sighing and closing his eyes, he tries to clear his mind, tries to quiet the worries and intrusive thoughts that buzz incessantly in his head like so many swarming flies. _Focus...think of the big picture..._

In his minds eye, he concentrates on forming an image of Loki, the boys and himself, happy and at ease. He begins to add more detail, willing the image to life; it is summer; they are picnicking here, on a blanket by the lakeside; Fen and Sleipi are in just shorts and smeared with sunblock, running about barefoot and finding treasures for Loki... _yes...that's not too much to hope for, surely..._

A loud clatter jolts him from half-slumber and he sits bolt upright, blinking in the gloom. _What...oh..the phone._.it must have slipped from his hand as he drifted off. _Oh god..Loki...what time is it??_ He panics, realising he has let down his guard – Loki may have made a break for it again...

He rushes to Loki's recovery room in a cold sweat, only to find him still sleeping, utterly oblivious to Thor or his lapsed attention. Breathing a deep sigh of relief, Thor closes and locks the door behind him and assumes his customary position beside Loki's bed.

 

 

 

 

'Well well, Lokes, what have you been up to?' Fandrals' manner is unconcerned and bright as always, as he strides into the recovery room and throws back the curtains. A disgruntled moan emanates from the lump under the duvet. 'Been running your old man ragged again, eh?'

Loki's dishevelled head appears slowly blinking in the unwelcome light.

'Oh it's you.' He flops back against the pillow, muffling his voice 'It's about fucking time.'

'I know, I know – just can't bear to be without my shining wit, can you Lokes?!' Fandral throws a smile and wink to Thor, who is hovering in the doorway.

'Mmph.'

'See? Magic. Pure magic, that's me.' Thor watches quietly as Fandral wanders over to the bed and pokes the grouchy lump. 'Come on, shake a leg – I'm doing bacon and eggs and whatnot.'

There is another groan and a pause.

'Fine. If it'll shut you up.'

Fandral gives Thor a look of great pride and mouths the word _'magic'_ over an elaborate hand gesture, as though he were conjuring at a childrens' party. Thor is too worn down to give anything but a weak smile in return and heads for the kitchen to get started.

He can't help feeling his stomach twist with a pang of jealousy. _How can he get Loki to respond, just like that? Not here even five minutes and he's convinced him to_ … he tries to reason with himself. _Now come on. It's probably just because it's someone different. He said himself that he feels trapped here, like I'm his jailer or something... I guess he's bound to feel that way right now..._

No matter the logic though, it still hurts deeply to know that his lover sees him as an oppressor in any way. To be trying so hard and left feeling so useless and even hated...it's a nightmare.

'What are you planning to cook in that? An entire chicken?' The amused voice brings Thor back to the task before him and he blinks. He's laid out a massive soup pan on the stove. Sighing, he takes it and replaces it with a small pan for the eggs and leans heavily on the counter.

'Hey, I was just messing, bud. Come on, chin up.' Fandral starts to busy himself fetching the eggs and bacon from the fridge.

'I just don't know how much longer I can do it, Fan.' It's barely a whisper – he's thinking aloud and the last thing he wants is for Loki to overhear him, especially in his current paranoid state.

'Come on, Thor – you got this...'

'I don't know that I do, that's the problem. I mean some days I think we're getting somewhere and then...he's back to sweating and puking and cursing me to hell...'

'You gotta just push through it, stay positive you know?' The shorter man plops six eggs into the pan of water and turns on the hob. 'See how well he responded to positive shit back there?'

'Mmh.'

'Just keep at it mate.' With a slap on the back, he turns back to Loki's room, leaving Thor to watch water boil and brood on his lack of success.

 

 

 

 

Breakfast – well, brunch by the time everything's ready – goes remarkably smoothly, somewhat to Thor's chagrin. Loki manages an egg and some toast and even a bite of bacon before pushing the rest aside. Fandral chats away, filling the air with stories from back at the shop, little pointless nothings to keep the silence at bay.

It's beginning to grate on Thor, even though he's thankful for the company and the fact he can get Loki responding better. It just feels like it should be something he can do for his fiance himself.

'I want to go outside.' Loki's tone is determined and defiant.

'Well that sounds like a plan, looks like a good place for walks round here...'

'No.' Thor's objection is sharp and automatic, he doesn't even turn away from placing the dishes in the sink. There is a slight noise of surprise and exasperation from Fandral behind him, and a hissed 'Fucking psycho.' from Loki.

Turning, drying his hands as he does so, Thor attempts to explain for Fandral's benefit. He speaks softer, trying to soothe Loki's agitation.

'Loki, every single time you've talked me into it, you've made a run for it.'

Fandral seems to find this amusing and poorly conceals a chuckle.

'I'm serious – it's not funny! We're miles from anywhere here, there's thick forest all around – you could get lost, hurt, anything could happen to you!' Thor's concern runs deep and it shows in both his deeply lined brow and the tell-tale rise in the pitch of his voice.

Loki merely rolls his eyes and slumps in his chair, arms folded across his chest like a petulant teen.

'Whatever _mom_. It's not like I had to protect myself on the street for years – oh _wait_ I _did_.' The sarcasm is almost palpable, but at least he's talking.

Fandral shuffles and leans forward, toward Thor, forearms resting on the table.

'Look I can understand you being worried, mate, but getting out might really do him good – I mean imagine being in his shoes' he glances down '...slippers. Cooped up in here for weeks on end, looking out at this picture postcard scenery and not getting to enjoy it? Hmm?'

He has a point. Maybe it would do them both good if he loosened the reigns just a little. Maybe it would show Loki that he's not really a prisoner, that he's still loved and trusted even after all the escape attempts...

Thor shifts his weight from one foot to another, picking at a loose thread on the hand-towel as he mulls it over.

'I mean I can come along too – we could all go; you know a bit of a ramble, like when we were kids, Thor.' Fandral makes it sound so easy, so harmless and appealing.

'He won't do it.' Loki sounds utterly resigned. 'Not unless I'm on a leash.' He kicks idly at the table leg, eyes still distant and stormy.

Fandral looks from Loki to Thor, somewhat aghast – as if silently asking Thor if that were really the case – if it was really something he'd do to his lover. The tension sits heavy in the room between the three, Thor feels like this horrid moment is stretching out forever, that somewhere he is being judged and condemned as a terrible person and that it all comes down to this one, defining decision.

Loki speaks almost at the same time as Thor does, breaking the silence abruptly.

'I _told_ you he won't-'

'Get your coats.'

Loki freezes, mid sentence and gapes wide-eyed in disbelief.

'Atta boy! Good man!' Fandral has no such qualms and launches into positive action, rising from the table and slapping Thor on the shoulder before turning back to the still speechless Loki. 'Come on, Lokes – you heard the man, let's go!' He almost dashes past Loki, to retrieve jackets from the hallway, all smiles and winks and energy.

Loki finds his voice, as Fandral begins to hum to himself in the distance. He looks as though he doesn't entirely trust Thor, as if he thinks there must be some ulterior motive, but nevertheless he holds his gaze as he very softly murmurs, 'Thank you.'

 

 

 

The air outside is crisp and cool and a slight frost has formed on the leaf litter around the lake edge, making their footfalls crackle and crunch with every step. The low afternoon sun catches on the tiny ice crystals and makes the world seem to sparkle ever so slightly around them.

Loki's cheeks flush pink almost as soon as they set foot outside, his breath misting as it hits the chill air, and he tucks his hands under his arms to stave off the chill. He had not been expecting it to be so cold. Thor can't help smiling to himself as he watches Loki look about him, taking in the full grandeur of the scene, a tiny hint of wonder kindling in his disillusioned eyes.

Fandral is striding ahead, taking the lead, filling the still air with idle chatter about nothing in particular, pausing occasionally to prod at a pile of leaves or examine a stone – some of which he pockets, others he tosses aside.

Thor knows exactly what he's doing – they did it together as boys – seeking out the ideal stones to skip across the water's millpond surface. Not too large, rounded, smooth and flat...a swift flick of the wrist and away they would skim, seeming to defy physics as they bounced across the water two, three, sometimes four times, before being swallowed with a satisfying _'glop'._

His attention is quickly returned to Loki, though, wandering along almost in a dream in Fandrals' wake. He looks as though he is deep in thought, losing himself in the intricate patterns of the rime on the leaves. He is showing no signs of flight, for the moment at least and Thor is immensely thankful for that. The last thing he wants is for this show of trust to end in another bout of impromptu wrestling. He follows a little way back from his lover, aware that he needs to feel in control and in charge of his wanderings right now – badgering him would only raise the risk of him running again. It's hard to stay that little bit more distant, but he keeps reminding himself that Loki is still weak, that he can still easily outpace him now even if he does try to flee. Above all, watching the slender figure reach out and trace the frost on a great boulder, he knows in his heart that he would do anything for Loki.

A little way ahead, Fandral has stopped, and is eyeing a spot on the bank, testing the firmness with his foot. It catches Loki's attention and he watches momentarily. Thor knows what's coming. He recognises the stance his old friend has assumed, one foot planted firmly ahead of the other, body turned to the side, eyes scanning the surface of the lake...any second now... he watches with growing nostalgia as Fandral draws back his arm and then whips it forward fast, sending a stone speeding out over the water. For all Loki's feigned stoicism, Thor notes with triumph that his emerald eyes widen as the stone skips twice...three times...yes, four!

It seems that Loki's curiosity wins out because it's less than a heartbeat before he's taking log strides over to Fandral with barely concealed interest. _He can't really have gone his entire life without seeing someone skip stones can he?_ Thor thinks briefly – but then, the horrid truth of Loki's life up until this moment surfaces in his mind and he shudders involuntarily. _Of course he can_. _He didn't have the luxury of a childhood, of friends, of playing..._ With a sigh, he watches Fandral begin to explain how the little trick works and the shape of the stones; his beloved Loki clearly utterly fascinated yet trying to hide it. The look of wonder on his face, though, when Fandral offers him a stone; presumably suggesting that he try it for himself – they are a little too far off to hear their words distinctly – is an absolute balm to his weary soul.

Still, as he watches, he can't help but feel that same pang of jealousy as before. _It should be me. I should be the one to bring a flicker of happiness into his life, not Fandral._ Taking a deep, cleansing breath of crisp autumn air, he closes his eyes and tries to still the roiling in his gut. _It's nothing – it's just like separated parents really. One can end up having to be stern, be the responsible one – the other becomes associated only with the good times, seen only when something fun is going on..._

It doesn't help that when he opens his eyes again, Fandral is positioned behind Loki, very close – with one hand on his shoulder and the other guiding the throwing hand back and forth in a smooth horizontal arc, to all intents and purposes demonstrating the technique... but it's enough to make Thor clench his jaw and move swiftly to join them.

In a few long strides he's within earshot and that does nothing for his uneasiness, either. Their faces are only a breath apart and he catches the tail end of what could be instructional but right here, right now sounds like downright flirting.

'...see? Very important.' Fandral drawls in an all too familiar tone. 'It's all in the wrist...' To make matters worse, Loki giggles. Actually _giggles._

'Hope you're not up to your old tricks, Fan.' Thor blurts abruptly, trying to mask it as humour. 'He's spoken for you know.' His old friend almost jumps when he speaks, but quickly recovers, a boyish grin replacing... was that momentary panic?

'Hey! I was just showing Lokes the flick thing – you know, to get the spin right...' He quickly hands Thor a stone and steps back, turning to Loki who looks rather unimpressed. 'Now this guy,' he effuses, indicating Thor, 'I saw this guy get six skips one time! He's the man!' He raises his eyebrows seemingly in emphasis.

'Six? Bullshit.' Loki scoffs.

'I shit you not, Lokes! Go on Thor, show him!'

Thor weighs the stone in his hand, still feeling frustrated and annoyed. With a lightning fast flick, he sends the stone hurtling faster than Loki would ever have expected and all the pent up aggression is instantly translated into five rapid skips and a hefty ' _plop._ '

Loki is momentarily stunned but masks it well, composing his face into the practiced neutral expression Thor so often sees lately.

'Five. Not bad, I suppose.'

'You should try it.'

'I'm not a child, Thor!' Loki almost spits the words. _There we are again. Right back to that._ Thor's jaw tightens in frustration.

'It's getting cold, we should go inside.' He bites his tongue and leaves it at that, turns on his heel and heads back toward the house.

'Good idea!' Fandral finds his voice again, clearly trying to ease the tension once more. 'Hot chocolate, that's what we all need.'

Thor can almost sense Loki brighten at that, despite being behind him. He doesn't let it show how deeply it wounds him.

 

 

 

 

Despite the warmth of the log fire in the hearth and the hot chocolate banishing the chill from their hands, the atmosphere inside is still... _off,_ somehow.

Fandral attempts to tell a few amusing stories from his and Thor's shared teenage years, but Loki seems twitchy and Thor simply can't muster any enthusiasm. There is just something in the way his old friend is behaving, glancing at Loki at every given opportunity...

'I think you should head home, Fan.' The words are out of his mouth before he even registers thinking them, and cut Fandral off mid-stream.

'Oh, I...yes it's ….getting late...' He looks fidgety, uncomfortable. Perhaps it's Thor's own over-tired mind growing paranoid, but his gut tells him otherwise.

'Go?! Now?? But he only just got here!!' The slightly desperate edge in Loki's voice and the way Fandral casts a split-second glance at him is more than enough to cement Thor's decision. 'Fandral is supposed to be in charge of the shop while we're out here.' His tone remains calm, reasonable, but there is just a hint of threat to it.

'Yeah, he's right Lokes I should..'

'I'm sure he can come visit again soon.' Thor makes it clear that he will not be argued with. A strange look crosses Loki's face for the briefest of moments – anger, barely contained for the most part – but something else too...desperation? Fear even? In a flicker it's gone though, and the mask descends once more.

'Fine. Soon, though.' He looks markedly at Fandral when he says this, doing nothing to ease Thor's paranoia.

'Yeah sure thing! Soon as I can. You won't even notice I've been gone, I swear.' Fandral sounds the same as ever – upbeat, positive, so damn likable.

Sighing, Thor ushers him toward the door, going so far as to retrieve his coat, all the while aware of Loki's stony gaze on him.

'Well it's been great seeing the two of you again – you best keep warm though, eh? The chill's starting to really creep in now...' Fandral waffles unnecessarily as Thor helps him into his coat. Suddenly Loki is beside them, crouching to pick up a slightly crumpled piece of paper and hand it to Fandral.

'You dropped this.' His face is carefully blank, still – probably still giving me the cold shoulder, Thor inwardly moans. Fandral takes it looking blank initially but with dawning recognition.

'Oh just a receipt from the way up – thanks though Lokes.' He trills, pocketing the scrap and turning to embrace Thor heartily. 'You take care of this one, bud – I'll keep your other assets in check.' Thor only barely returns the hug and gives a half smile to Fandrals' broad, beaming grin.

'You better – I'm your boss too, don't forget.' Thor is only partially joking. Fandral seems oblivious though, simply chuckling and slapping the bigger man's arm. He moves to embrace Loki, too but – and this actually catches Thor off-guard – Loki avoids the hug, stepping back and seamlessly manoeuvring the motion into a friendly pat on both arms, face still showing little sign of emotion. _Perhaps I really am being paranoid_ , Thor muses.

Nevertheless, he secretly heaves a sigh of relief when Fandrals' tail-lights vanish from view amongst the trees.

Loki is already padding back to the sofa as Thor closes the door and locks it with a soft _'click_.' He sits, nursing his now Luke-warm chocolate, his feet tucked up under him like a child. When Thor joins him, he doesn't flinch or move away, but doesn't respond warmly, either.

They sit for a long moment, only the sound of the crackling logs and the intermittent sound of Loki redundantly blowing over his mug to fill the sudden quiet.

'It's been a long day...' Thor attempts to strike up some semblance of communication.

'Mm.' Loki doesn't even look at him.

'Did you like getting outside?'

'For the entire ten minutes? Yes it was delightful.' The bitterness in his tone is the only clue to his true feelings, his face remaining implacable.

After a few more terse minutes, and discarding half his mug of chocolate, Loki stands and declares the he is going to bed.

Thor can do nothing but quietly comply, following him through and locking the door behind him, ready to begin his lonely vigil once more. If Loki had bothered to so much as glance at him, he would have seen how very close to breaking Thor was, how hopelessly like a scolded puppy he appeared as he slunk, weary and dejected to his chair, to wait another long night through.

 

 

 

Waiting for Thor to fall asleep feels like torture to Loki, huddled under the covers, eyes closed, ears straining for the tell-tale change in his breathing. _Come on, you big bastard, come on..._

His heart is pounding as he waits, feigning slumber, careful not to allow his inner nerves rise to show in his posture, his breath patterns. He has had to do this so many times before it is almost second nature to him. A useful skill at times.

A long sigh from Thor moves into a shallower, rhythmic pattern, interspersed with the occasional hint of a snore. _Finally.._.

Careful not to make a sound, Loki opens his eyes, slips from the bed with only a whisper – as if he had merely turned over in his sleep – and soundlessly secretes himself in the en-suite.

Breathing deep, to steady his shaking hands, he takes a moment to calm himself. He can't afford to put one foot wrong now.

Somewhere, in the back of his mind, a part of him is weeping, cursing at him for this – but it is easily drowned out by indignation and need.

Moving with great care, he sets one foot on the cold porcelain of the toilet, raises himself to place the other on the sink and...with a little effort he manages to shimmy up and perch on the small, high windowsill. _Not a sound. Not bad._ He congratulates himself as he eases the window open, with the faintest of clicks. It's narrow and long, only opens a hands-width, but it's enough for what he needs.

'About time.' Comes a a half-mocking whisper from somewhere below in the dark. 'It's fucking freezing out here.'

 

_Thor dreams of gangsters and molls, a strange concoction of his own world and some kind of warped Bugsy-Malone reality. Everyone is touting cigars and wearing suits; there's a feud over who is pedalling drugs where and - for some reason - over it all, Loki is singing a slow and sultry number, wreathed in pungent smoke, his long fingers caressing the piano keys in perfect synchronicity. The dream ends abruptly when a pin-striped Thanos appears with a cold grin and a Tommy-gun, slamming the lid of the piano hard on Loki's fingers, snapping them like twigs._

_'Miss me, Princess?' He spits from the side of his crooked mouth...and opens fire._

 

Thor finds himself startled awake, fallen to the floor in a cold sweat, his heart racing and his clothes clinging to his damp and shaking body. His first instinct is to check on Loki, make sure he's still there, still ok. He clutches at the bed-covers as his hauls himself upright, head still swimming a little from the nightmare – or perhaps the sudden topple from his chair. Before he's even fully on his feet, however, the covers are tugged right out of his grip, a mumbled complaint reassuring him that Loki is indeed, safe.

 

 

 

The next couple of days are oddly quiet. Loki does not shout, does not rant; even eats a little of every meal Thor prepares for him. Neither of them mention Fandral, and that is just fine with Thor.

Things actually seem to be settling again, but Thor is still wary, minding what he says and how he reacts. He only slips once, intending to boost Loki's confidence in his own recovery. He makes the mistake of pointing out that his beloved is maintaining a good weight, gaining a little even; after seeing Loki changing on the second day. The phrase _'filling out nicely'_ was not, apparently, the best choice of words. That earned him a bout of swearing and a shoe thrown in his general direction; and later, he found Loki sobbing in the bathroom.

'I'm sorry, I really meant it as a compliment...'

'Shut up!'

'It means you're recovering, baby.'

'Just...leave me alone.'

Joining his teary lover on the tile floor, Thor wraps himself around Loki, enveloping him between his legs and arms. Loki does not protest again.

After long hours of apology and comfort, Thor manages to calm him down and get him to bed. Loki lies quiet, eyes still red and glistening, watching Thor's every movement as he goes through his nightly routine of securing the house, then the room itself. As he's turning the key in the lock, Loki speaks, softly.

'Thor?' Turning in surprise, Thor quickly returns to his bedside.

'I'm here baby. What is it?'

'I just...' Taking Loki's hands, he can feel them still trembling. 'What if I can't be fixed?' The tears are welling again and there is a glint of fear in his eyes. Thor grips his hands a little tighter.

'Don't even think that.' He smooths inky strands of hair back from his lover's face, a loving caress he's repeated so many times before that the action in itself has a slight soothing effect. 'You're going to be fine. We're both going to be fine. Better than fine.' Thor's small smile is earnest. It twists Loki's guts into a knot. _But I won't show it. I can't_. Instead, he pulls Thor's hands to his face and presses his lips to the large, rough, honest fingers. He says nothing else. There is nothing to say.

He holds Thor's hands close as the night unfurls around them.

 

 

 

Waking groggy, from a deep and dreamless sleep for once, Thor yawns hugely and rubs at his eyes with the heel of his hand. Stretching, he rises to check on his lover; only to find an empty bed.

With rising panic, he feels the sheets – they are cold. He rushes to the bathroom, flinging the door wide and causing it to rebound hard, catching him on the elbow. He barely registers the shooting pain up his arm, his heart racing, feeling numb dread overtake him.

Back to the bedroom and there it is. The sight he feared most. The door is slightly ajar, the keys still in the lock. Loki is gone.

He knows it already in his gut, but nevertheless he scours the house from top to bottom, desperately searching for something, anything, any trace... there is nothing to find.

He dons his jacket and plunges out into a cold drizzle, searches for hours on foot as far as he can in the surrounding woods, yelling Loki's name into the wilderness over and over, until he's hoarse and sobbing and shaking.

He _has_ to keep looking.

Loping back to the house, he squelches inside only long enough to retrieve his car keys and phone. Numb fingers fumble with the keys and he does not know who to call, where to turn. Shoving the cell angrily into his pocket as if it were responsible, he strides to the car, determined to find his lover no matter what.

Down the long track, he is constantly on alert, watching for the slightest movement among the trees; all he accomplishes is startling a small group of deer into bounding across his path. The rear tyres skid sideways as he brakes hard. Collecting himself he drives on.

The rain is coming heavier now, it's hard to see even with the wind-shield wipers going full tilt. He reaches the end of the track, confronted with black-top in two directions. _Left or right...left or right..._

He swerves out onto the asphalt, wheels spinning on the slick mud behind, sending up a spray of dirt and pebbles. _Right. The way we came...maybe he remembers that..._

The dark is closing in now, and the windows keep fogging up. Mile after mile passes with no sign of Loki. Thor's gut is an impenetrable knot, he's numb all over, he cannot stop, cannot rest...

A garish light at the side of the road in the distance tells him just how far from the house he has come already. A ramshackle gas station and motel he used to call 'Captain Jakes' after the old man with a limp and worn dungarees who ran the place when he was a boy. He had decided that the limp was from a wooden leg and therefore Old Jake must secretly have been a smuggler from the high seas in hiding. It is almost exactly thirty miles from the lake house.

Heart sinking, stomach twisting, Thor pulls over into the stuttering neon light of the car lot, to catch his breath, to re-assess, to think...

Right in front of him, like a ghost ship rearing out of a nightmare sea, is a familiar car.

Fandrals' car.

Trembling, his chest tight, he steps out into the downpour, walks as if in a trance to the red convertible. He finds himself reaching out cold fingers to touch the cold metal, his mind reeling, desperately hoping for it to be an illusion. It is not.

Something in him twists and hardens. His gaze moves slowly, inexorably to the only light that is on in the small row of rooms for hire.

His mind is a terrible kind of quiet now, like the eye of a storm. He feels unreal, like he's sleepwalking as his feet take him to the battered door, paint peeling and dirty. He feels numb as he reaches for the handle. It's not even locked. The door swings open freely on well-worn hinges.

The smell of alcohol hits him and makes his stomach roil, but the sight that is revealed makes him wretch. He has to brace himself against the door frame.

Fandral, standing unsteadily, with his back to the door, pants pooled around his ankles, laughing inanely; and Loki – _his Loki_ – on his knees before him, eyes closed, face split in a manic grin and covered in...

Pure rage takes over. Fandral barely registers Thor is there until he's barrelling into his one-time friend, knocking the wind from him and driving him to the filthy floor. Thor can hear Loki laughing hysterically, Fandral whimpering as he drives his massive fist into that smug face again and again.

Loki's laughs turn to screams, Fandral begs through swelling lips, but Thor is deaf to his pleas. Loki falls on him, clawing at his back and shoulders, hauling at his belt, screaming at him to stop. Hearing Loki actually _defend_ Fandral breaks something deep within Thor. All the anger, all the pain and frustration overtakes him and he rounds on his lover, backhanding him across the face with such force that it sends Loki stumbling against the wall, lip bloody and eyes wide as the back of his head rebounds off the cinder-block wall and he slips, unconscious, to the filthy, threadbare carpet.

Shocked at his own actions, Thor freezes in place for a second, staring at the bedraggled figure propped limply against the wall. Seeing Loki like that, helpless and in disarray, the shock gives way to a surge of anger greater even than the first. Loki is not to blame in this.

Turning suddenly with a guttural growl, he seizes Fandral roughly and hauls him to his feet by the hair, drags him toward the moth-eaten bed, making the shorter man trip over his own pants, a pathetic sight.

'Please, Thor! Please! He _wanted it!_ It wasn't-'

Another blow silences the betrayer, sends him spinning and falling heavily onto the ancient and filthy mattress. His once handsome face is bloody, one eye swelling shut, nose shattered and gushing red over his mouth and chin.

Thor stands over him, rage still spilling over and into his balled fists. He's aware of his own voice as if from far away, punctuating blows to Fandrals' ribs and belly.

'You were my friend!' _Thud._

'My best fucking friend!' _Thud._

'You knew how much I loved him!' _Thud._

'You fucking bastard!' _Thud._

'I'll fucking _KILL_ you!' _Crack._

Fandral screams long and agonisingly.

The shock of the gristly snap and the sudden give of Fandral's ribcage is enough to stay Thor's hand momentarily. Long enough for cold reality to begin to trickle through the red haze of rage.

Looking down at the battered and bloody face before him, Thor feels...nothing. No relief, no catharsis; no rage anymore even, just cold and numb and empty.

Angry purple bruises are already rising on Fandrals' torso. He's whimpering and sobbing and begging.

'Please Thor...oh god...I think you broke my rib...'

In a daze, Thor focuses, takes in the scene. Empty liquor bottles, used condoms, a small plastic pouch of unmistakable blue crystals... _how could I have been so stupid._.. his heart feels as though it will give out any second.

Leaving Fandral prone and mewling, he goes to the small, cracked sink, splashes cold water on his face, trying to re-orientate his thoughts. In the grubby mirror he can see Loki, still slumped against the wall where he landed. He hadn't meant to hurt him. Just when he feels like he might weep for it all, Fanrdral's shaky voice begins to whine once more.

'You know..it was _his_ idea....Thor...buddy...I was just doing what he asked – he wanted out, I was saving you form yourself really..'

The mirror shatters under Thor's fist.

Fandral wheedles, realising his error and trying to back-pedal desperately as Thor turns back to him on the bed, a shard of glass in one bloody hand and bloody murder in his eyes.

'Th-thor, please – it didn't mean anything, it was just a fu-'

Barely containing himself, Thor seizes Fandral by the throat and squeezes, hard. His old friends' eyes bulge and his face reddens, he claws at Thor's hand, but the grip is like a vice. He levels the jagged shard at the struggling mans' eye.

'This was all _you; your_ fault' he hisses, spittle flying into Fandrals' panicked face 'You _knew_ he was hooked, you _fucking knew_ and you used that for what? A few good fucks? Is that all our friendship was ever worth to you, you fucking prick?!' Fandral's eyes are growing bloodshot, he's mouthing 'please' over and over again, legs kicking weakly against the bed. 'I should cut your fucking balls off right now...' He pointedly lowers the dirty glass to prick against Fandral's still exposed cock. The smaller man grows very still, blinking tears from his straining eyes. 'If you _EVER_ come near me or him again, _I will fucking **end** you._ Understand?' A struggle to nod. Clenching his jaw in distaste, Thor releases him with a final shove.

He says nothing else. Leaves him there, wheezing and gasping, half naked and clutching at his throat. As he tosses aside the makeshift weapon and wipes the worst of the blood from his hand on his shirt. Fandral is as good as dead to him.

Turning his attention to Loki, he feels his heart wrench. He's gone. He must have come-to during this last struggle with Fandral. He surely can't have gotten far, though, not in the shape he's in. In the doorway, Thor pauses briefly.

'And Fandral?' Thor doesn't throw him so much as a backward glance. 'You're fired.'

Spitting as he leaves the accursed room, Thor strides out into the sodden night. The freezing wind has turned the rain to sleet; it stings his face and hands but he pays it no heed. His focus is entirely on the stumbling figure ahead of him, just reaching the red convertible.

Loki is clearly still struggling to fight the effects of the blow to his head and the drugs, unsteady on his bare feet as he tries in desperation to smash the driver's side window with a rock. He's incoherently yelling, at Thor, at the car, into the night as his improvised hammer rebounds again and again from the safety glass.

By the time Thor reaches him, he is frantic, eyes wild.

 

 

_In Loki's mind, the world is a neon nightmare. He's trapped in a bad horror film and he's going to be the next to die. He can barely feel his hands, barely focus on the car in front of him as he hefts the rock with as much force as he can muster. He feels as though his heart is going to burst at any second, the terror rising through him, unstoppable. He was so close, so close to escape and now it's fight or die as he sees the murderous shape lurch toward him, steam rising from it's hot, rank form sleet boiling off it in the swirling storm._

_It's too late, too late now but he won't let it take him without a fight; won't let it drag him back to his captive hell, to rut and breed him into oblivion...it's coming....he's coming...too late...too late!_

_In the stuttering light of the failing neon signs, he catches glimpses of it's face...a warped parody of someone he loved – he blinks – his father – no, his lover? Thanos? As the fear takes hold, the dreadful face morphs and changes, one to another, through faces of those who have beat him, raped him, locked him away...to Loki, the monster in the night is closing in on him and fast._

 

 

'You stay away from me!!' He shrieks, swinging the rock at Thor, this time. 'I won't go back! You can't make me!' He hurls the rock in desperation and turns, attempting to flee. The sight of his thin frame stumbling off across the pitted asphalt, drenched to the bone, is quite a pitiful one.

Thor barely needs to dodge and is soon striding after him, mind and body numb in the freezing dark. Loki is managing a reasonable speed, considering his condition, but his bare feet are hindering his progress; the car lot is strewn with pebbles, junk and broken glass. Thor feels as though he is watching some low-budget B-movie; removed from the action playing out in front of him somehow – as though he is observing, rather than participating. It would be disconcerting if he were not so numb inside. He sees Loki's feet slip and falter, sees him fall hard on his knees - no doubt grazing his hands as he flings them out to break his fall – hears him cursing and screaming into the night, but it all still feels surreal. He wonders if Loki is even aware of where he is, what is really happening. He wonders if he does himself, or if it's all some twisted nightmare.

In seconds, though, Thor is grappling with his lover on the ground, trying to seize flailing arms and ignore the bitter, vitriolic words screamed at him through shivering lips.

Loki fights and kicks and bites and scratches wildly. Thor can find nothing to say, not this time. All the comfort, all the patience he had has been used up and washed away now; swept down into the drains with the mud-tainted storm water.

Numb and running on empty, the deep ache in his heart the only thing left to feel, he uses the last of his strength to bind Loki's arms tight behind him with his own belt and heave him still kicking and screaming into the back of his car. He doesn't even know why anymore. Sitting behind the wheel, he is painfully aware that all his certainty has left him. He will drive back to the house on the lake...and then what?

In his mind, a memory surfaces. Loki's own words to him, the first time he had mentioned trying to help.

_'This isn't a fairytale. You're not some knight in fucking armour, I'm not suited to rescue. This is the real world, cold as a fucking tombstone - and I have always been an epitaph.'_

Not a soul bears witness when - with that thought - the light in Thor's eyes grows dim.


	19. So sorry for the long break...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please excuse the long break.

I have to figure out my life and recover from illness. This story is still in the making and will be finished, I swear.


	20. The future of EPITAPH:::

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An explanation.

This story isn't over.  
It is far from it. My life turned pretty much upside down and inside out over the last year, I am sorry it kept me from writing.  
I have a whole bunch of chapters already planned, one if written half. It will go on. I swear. Don't feel like I left this story unfinished, I didn't.  
  
**Not at all.**  
  
Just reality caused a huge delay. I am sorry for that and promise to go on with this in 2016, maybe already beginning of feb.  
  
I am so proud that you still like my story, that you come back to see if it updated.  
Thank you for that, you make me strong enough to go on and keep writing, or in my case going back to writing.  
  
I hope I still have your trust.  
Thank you,  
**2Odinsons**.

P.S. Thank you so much, for Alex and his amazing cosplay of Epitaph!Loki. You can see it here:  
<https://www.facebook.com/Cotton-Candy-Loki-231323013658185/?fref=ts>


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